{"file": "audio/vault/262_news_20260626_evening.mp3", "duration_sec": 263.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.3, "text": "From the only newsroom that cleans toilets between segments,"}, {"start": 3.3, "end": 6.18, "text": "this is Red Line News, evening edition."}, {"start": 6.18, "end": 8.68, "text": "The world explained, then roasted."}, {"start": 8.68, "end": 15.7, "text": "Here's your anchor, Jesse."}, {"start": 15.7, "end": 17.6, "text": "Good evening, you informed degenerates."}, {"start": 17.6, "end": 19.44, "text": "It's Friday, June 26."}, {"start": 19.44, "end": 21.14, "text": "Here's what the hell happened today."}, {"start": 21.14, "end": 24.78, "text": "Real news, real jokes, and we know the difference."}, {"start": 24.78, "end": 27.28, "text": "Around the world, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 27.28, "end": 29.98, "text": "Venezuela earthquakes kill 920 people"}, {"start": 29.98, "end": 32.14, "text": "as families desperate for news."}, {"start": 32.14, "end": 34.98, "text": "We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 38.53, "end": 40.77, "text": "Here in the States, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 40.77, "end": 44.65, "text": "Earthquake tests growing ties between US and Venezuela."}, {"start": 44.65, "end": 50.74, "text": "We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 50.74, "end": 53.38, "text": "Out in California, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 53.38, "end": 55.9, "text": "Deadly Venezuela earthquakes raise concern"}, {"start": 55.9, "end": 57.86, "text": "in tremor-prone, California."}, {"start": 57.86, "end": 64.2, "text": "We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 64.2, "end": 67.24, "text": "And right here in Sacramento, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 67.24, "end": 71.04, "text": "Man dies at hospital after Sacramento's stabbing police say."}, {"start": 71.04, "end": 77.35, "text": "We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 77.35, "end": 78.71, "text": "That's the heavy stuff."}, {"start": 78.71, "end": 81.15, "text": "Now let's get to where the world gets ridiculous"}, {"start": 81.15, "end": 87.98, "text": "because it always does."}, {"start": 87.98, "end": 93.75, "text": "Around the world's Mickey, you're up."}, {"start": 93.75, "end": 95.11, "text": "Hold my drink."}, {"start": 95.11, "end": 97.83, "text": "Europe's deadly heat wave breaks German record"}, {"start": 97.83, "end": 99.71, "text": "and haunts public events."}, {"start": 99.71, "end": 102.87, "text": "And that's the second craziest thing I read today."}, {"start": 102.87, "end": 112.87, "text": "The first was Jesse's dating profile."}, {"start": 112.87, "end": 118.8, "text": "Here in the States, Ruby, you're up."}, {"start": 118.8, "end": 119.84, "text": "Hold my drink."}, {"start": 119.84, "end": 123.08, "text": "Free lecture series marking 250th anniversary"}, {"start": 123.08, "end": 124.84, "text": "of the United States."}, {"start": 124.84, "end": 126.96, "text": "And they say we're the unserious ones"}, {"start": 126.96, "end": 129.92, "text": "for running a newsroom that cleans toilets."}, {"start": 129.92, "end": 140.96, "text": "Out in California, Benny, you're up."}, {"start": 140.96, "end": 141.76, "text": "Breaking."}, {"start": 141.76, "end": 142.52, "text": "And I quote,"}, {"start": 142.52, "end": 143.48, "text": "Gov."}, {"start": 143.48, "end": 146.76, "text": "Signs executive order to accelerate new technologies"}, {"start": 146.76, "end": 149.6, "text": "and services for California's local transit"}, {"start": 149.6, "end": 152.84, "text": "and passenger rail networks throughout the state."}, {"start": 152.84, "end": 154.4, "text": "You can't write this."}, {"start": 154.4, "end": 156.44, "text": "And trust me, I've tried."}, {"start": 156.44, "end": 158.04, "text": "I'm 50 and broke."}, {"start": 158.04, "end": 160.68, "text": "Ha ha ha ha ha."}, {"start": 160.68, "end": 162.88, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 162.88, "end": 169.47, "text": "And right here in Sacramento, pixel, you're up."}, {"start": 169.47, "end": 174.07, "text": "I am not making this up how to watch 2026X Games Sacramento"}, {"start": 174.07, "end": 175.51, "text": "on ESPN."}, {"start": 175.51, "end": 177.15, "text": "And that's still a better decision"}, {"start": 177.15, "end": 185.49, "text": "than nine ring pop proposals."}, {"start": 185.49, "end": 192.57, "text": "Rapid fire, more from the wires, less mercy."}, {"start": 192.57, "end": 194.13, "text": "Front page today."}, {"start": 194.13, "end": 196.81, "text": "Israel and Lebanon sign framework agreement"}, {"start": 196.81, "end": 198.89, "text": "after US broker talks."}, {"start": 198.93, "end": 200.85, "text": "And that's still a better decision"}, {"start": 200.85, "end": 209.6, "text": "than nine ring pop proposals."}, {"start": 209.6, "end": 210.2, "text": "Breaking."}, {"start": 210.2, "end": 211.04, "text": "And I quote,"}, {"start": 211.04, "end": 213.64, "text": "Extrump advisor John Bolton pleads guilty"}, {"start": 213.64, "end": 216.04, "text": "to mishandling classified documents."}, {"start": 216.04, "end": 218.24, "text": "History will look back on this and go,"}, {"start": 218.24, "end": 225.97, "text": "yeah, that tracks."}, {"start": 225.97, "end": 227.05, "text": "Hold my drink."}, {"start": 227.05, "end": 229.77, "text": "Four men held over child marriage in Sierra Leone"}, {"start": 229.77, "end": 232.05, "text": "appear in landmark court case."}, {"start": 232.05, "end": 233.85, "text": "And somehow that's still more stable"}, {"start": 233.85, "end": 236.05, "text": "than Jesse's love life."}, {"start": 236.05, "end": 238.41, "text": "Ha ha ha ha."}, {"start": 238.41, "end": 240.41, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 240.41, "end": 244.17, "text": "And in local news, a Sacramento man bid $800"}, {"start": 244.17, "end": 247.25, "text": "on a haunted stove and is still waiting to hear back"}, {"start": 247.25, "end": 254.6, "text": "developing."}, {"start": 254.6, "end": 256.6, "text": "That's red line news evening edition."}, {"start": 256.6, "end": 257.36, "text": "You're informed."}, {"start": 257.36, "end": 259.52, "text": "You're entertained and we never punch down."}, {"start": 259.52, "end": 261.12, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 261.12, "end": 262.36, "text": "This is red line."}, {"start": 262.36, "end": 263.16, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nFrom the only newsroom that cleans toilets between segments, this is Red Line News, evening edition. The world explained, then roasted. Here's your anchor, Jesse. Good evening, you informed degenerates. It's Friday, June 26. Here's what the hell happened today. Real news, real jokes, and we know the difference. Around the world, straight up, no punchline. Venezuela earthquakes kill 920 people as families desperate for news. We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that. Here in the States, straight up, no punchline. Earthquake tests growing ties between US and Venezuela. We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that. Out in California, straight up, no punchline. Deadly Venezuela earthquakes raise concern in tremor-prone, California. We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that. And right here in Sacramento, straight up, no punchline. Man dies at hospital after Sacramento's stabbing police say. We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that. That's the heavy stuff. Now let's get to where the world gets ridiculous because it always does. Around the world's Mickey, you're up. Hold my drink. Europe's deadly heat wave breaks German record and haunts public events. And that's the second craziest thing I read today. The first was Jesse's dating profile. Here in the States, Ruby, you're up. Hold my drink. Free lecture series marking 250th anniversary of the United States. And they say we're the unserious ones for running a newsroom that cleans toilets. Out in California, Benny, you're up. Breaking. And I quote, Gov. Signs executive order to accelerate new technologies and services for California's local transit and passenger rail networks throughout the state. You can't write this. And trust me, I've tried. I'm 50 and broke. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh. And right here in Sacramento, pixel, you're up. I am not making this up how to watch 2026X Games Sacramento on ESPN. And that's still a better decision than nine ring pop proposals. Rapid fire, more from the wires, less mercy. Front page today. Israel and Lebanon sign framework agreement after US broker talks. And that's still a better decision than nine ring pop proposals. Breaking. And I quote, Extrump advisor John Bolton pleads guilty to mishandling classified documents. History will look back on this and go, yeah, that tracks. Hold my drink. Four men held over child marriage in Sierra Leone appear in landmark court case. And somehow that's still more stable than Jesse's love life. Ha ha ha ha. Oh. And in local news, a Sacramento man bid $800 on a haunted stove and is still waiting to hear back developing. That's red line news evening edition. You're informed. You're entertained and we never punch down. Laugh before the dark winds. This is red line. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}