{"file": "audio/vault/256_court_ct_stove.mp3", "duration_sec": 142.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.5, "text": "All rise, Judge Jesse presiding,"}, {"start": 2.5, "end": 4.48, "text": "the defendant, a haunted stove,"}, {"start": 4.48, "end": 7.72, "text": "charged with emotional fraud and accepting an $800 bid,"}, {"start": 7.72, "end": 14.77, "text": "then ghosting, the appliance has retained counsel."}, {"start": 14.77, "end": 16.01, "text": "On behalf of the stove,"}, {"start": 16.01, "end": 19.53, "text": "my client makes no sound, no heat, and no apologies."}, {"start": 19.53, "end": 21.69, "text": "He is technically just a stove."}, {"start": 21.69, "end": 23.49, "text": "You bid on him, that's on you."}, {"start": 29.74, "end": 33.26, "text": "Urana, this appliance took a man's $800"}, {"start": 33.26, "end": 35.96, "text": "and gave back cold silence."}, {"start": 35.96, "end": 37.42, "text": "That's not a stove."}, {"start": 37.42, "end": 40.82, "text": "That's every ex he ever had with burnus."}, {"start": 40.82, "end": 43.3, "text": "Throw the book at the toaster's cousin."}, {"start": 43.3, "end": 50.62, "text": "Ha ha ha."}, {"start": 50.62, "end": 52.9, "text": "I'll defend it, Judge, honestly."}, {"start": 52.9, "end": 55.54, "text": "It's the most stable relationship he's had."}, {"start": 55.54, "end": 57.26, "text": "It never left it just."}, {"start": 57.26, "end": 58.66, "text": "Never showed up either."}, {"start": 58.66, "end": 60.14, "text": "Sounds about right."}, {"start": 60.14, "end": 66.25, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 66.25, "end": 68.25, "text": "Stove, you took my money and gave me nothing,"}, {"start": 68.25, "end": 70.21, "text": "which to be fair is the most honest thing"}, {"start": 70.21, "end": 71.97, "text": "that's happened to me in years."}, {"start": 71.97, "end": 74.37, "text": "Guilty, but I respect the hustle."}, {"start": 74.37, "end": 75.77, "text": "Sentence, you're going in the show,"}, {"start": 75.77, "end": 77.93, "text": "you're famous now and you still don't work."}, {"start": 77.93, "end": 81.21, "text": "Welcome to the family, last laughs mine."}, {"start": 81.21, "end": 86.96, "text": "Ha ha ha."}, {"start": 86.96, "end": 89.4, "text": "Hold up before we wrap open mic lightning."}, {"start": 89.4, "end": 95.63, "text": "Bench roast me go go geo."}, {"start": 95.63, "end": 98.55, "text": "Jesse's retirement plan is a punchline"}, {"start": 98.55, "end": 105.4, "text": "and a prayer he's not allowed to say."}, {"start": 105.4, "end": 112.69, "text": "Jesse celebrates one like on a post like it's a grandchild."}, {"start": 112.69, "end": 117.21, "text": "Jesse's fridge has three condiments and a personal vendetta."}, {"start": 117.21, "end": 119.97, "text": "Yeah."}, {"start": 119.97, "end": 120.93, "text": "Ha, get out of here."}, {"start": 120.93, "end": 122.57, "text": "You beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 122.57, "end": 125.09, "text": "I walked into every one of those."}, {"start": 130.64, "end": 131.68, "text": "Case closed."}, {"start": 131.68, "end": 133.08, "text": "The Stove regrets nothing."}, {"start": 133.08, "end": 134.68, "text": "Red line court adjourned."}, {"start": 134.68, "end": 135.72, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nAll rise, Judge Jesse presiding, the defendant, a haunted stove, charged with emotional fraud and accepting an $800 bid, then ghosting, the appliance has retained counsel. On behalf of the stove, my client makes no sound, no heat, and no apologies. He is technically just a stove. You bid on him, that's on you. Urana, this appliance took a man's $800 and gave back cold silence. That's not a stove. That's every ex he ever had with burnus. Throw the book at the toaster's cousin. Ha ha ha. I'll defend it, Judge, honestly. It's the most stable relationship he's had. It never left it just. Never showed up either. Sounds about right. Oh. Stove, you took my money and gave me nothing, which to be fair is the most honest thing that's happened to me in years. Guilty, but I respect the hustle. Sentence, you're going in the show, you're famous now and you still don't work. Welcome to the family, last laughs mine. Ha ha ha. Hold up before we wrap open mic lightning. Bench roast me go go geo. Jesse's retirement plan is a punchline and a prayer he's not allowed to say. Jesse celebrates one like on a post like it's a grandchild. Jesse's fridge has three condiments and a personal vendetta. Yeah. Ha, get out of here. You beautiful degenerates. I walked into every one of those. Case closed. The Stove regrets nothing. Red line court adjourned. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}