{"file": "audio/vault/247_news_20260626_evening.mp3", "duration_sec": 203.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.6, "text": "From the only newsroom that cleans toilets between segments,"}, {"start": 3.6, "end": 6.56, "text": "this is Red Line News, evening edition."}, {"start": 6.56, "end": 8.88, "text": "The world explained, then roasted."}, {"start": 8.88, "end": 15.82, "text": "Here's your anchor, Jesse."}, {"start": 15.82, "end": 17.74, "text": "Good evening, you informed degenerates."}, {"start": 17.74, "end": 19.58, "text": "It's Friday, June 26."}, {"start": 19.58, "end": 21.26, "text": "Here's what the hell happened today."}, {"start": 21.26, "end": 24.94, "text": "Real news, real jokes, and we know the difference."}, {"start": 24.94, "end": 27.34, "text": "Around the world, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 27.34, "end": 30.7, "text": "Mother dies saving daughter in Venezuela, earthquakes."}, {"start": 30.7, "end": 36.77, "text": "We reported, we respected, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 36.77, "end": 39.09, "text": "Here in the states, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 39.09, "end": 42.61, "text": "Deaths in US immigration custody must be investigated."}, {"start": 42.61, "end": 46.45, "text": "UN writes, chief, we reported, we respected, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 50.21, "end": 52.69, "text": "Out in California, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 52.69, "end": 56.85, "text": "Terrifying, doublet, earthquakes add to California's seismic dangers."}, {"start": 56.85, "end": 58.85, "text": "Venezuela shows the risks."}, {"start": 58.85, "end": 61.25, "text": "We reported, we respected, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 64.88, "end": 68.08, "text": "And right here in Sacramento, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 68.08, "end": 71.2, "text": "Fatal stabbing under investigation in Sacramento."}, {"start": 71.2, "end": 73.76, "text": "We reported, we respected, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 77.47, "end": 78.75, "text": "That's the heavy stuff."}, {"start": 78.75, "end": 81.23, "text": "Now let's get to where the world gets ridiculous,"}, {"start": 81.23, "end": 82.35, "text": "because it always does."}, {"start": 88.08, "end": 89.68, "text": "Around the world, pixel Europe."}, {"start": 93.78, "end": 95.22, "text": "I am not making this up."}, {"start": 95.22, "end": 100.1, "text": "Dr. Congo takes Rwanda to international court over decades of conflict."}, {"start": 100.1, "end": 103.94, "text": "And people ask me why I talk to my three dogs in full sentences."}, {"start": 111.82, "end": 113.74, "text": "Here in the states, big mama, you're up."}, {"start": 118.0, "end": 119.28, "text": "I'm not making this up."}, {"start": 119.28, "end": 123.04, "text": "Hunter V. United States, the most important criminal case of the term."}, {"start": 123.6, "end": 126.08, "text": "You can't write this, and trust me, I've tried."}, {"start": 126.08, "end": 127.2, "text": "I'm 50 and broke."}, {"start": 133.23, "end": 135.15, "text": "Out in California, Professor, you're up."}, {"start": 139.25, "end": 140.13, "text": "Hold my drink."}, {"start": 140.13, "end": 144.93, "text": "California celebrates nearly 3.5 billion universal school meals served."}, {"start": 144.93, "end": 148.69, "text": "I'd explain it, but my brain filed for the same disability my knees did."}, {"start": 155.36, "end": 158.32, "text": "And right here in Sacramento, M-A-R-C-U-S, you're up."}, {"start": 162.35, "end": 163.71, "text": "I'm not making this up."}, {"start": 163.71, "end": 167.55, "text": "Projecting the King's starting line up in rotation after NBA draft."}, {"start": 167.55, "end": 169.71, "text": "I read that twice and got dumber both times."}, {"start": 175.33, "end": 179.81, "text": "And in local news, a Sacramento man bid $800 on a haunted stove"}, {"start": 179.81, "end": 181.41, "text": "and is still waiting to hear back."}, {"start": 181.97, "end": 182.61, "text": "Developing."}, {"start": 189.34, "end": 191.34, "text": "That's Red Line News, evening edition."}, {"start": 191.34, "end": 194.22, "text": "You're informed, you're entertained, and we never punch down."}, {"start": 194.22, "end": 195.82, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 195.82, "end": 198.3, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nFrom the only newsroom that cleans toilets between segments, this is Red Line News, evening edition. The world explained, then roasted. Here's your anchor, Jesse. Good evening, you informed degenerates. It's Friday, June 26. Here's what the hell happened today. Real news, real jokes, and we know the difference. Around the world, straight up, no punchline. Mother dies saving daughter in Venezuela, earthquakes. We reported, we respected, we don't joke on that. Here in the states, straight up, no punchline. Deaths in US immigration custody must be investigated. UN writes, chief, we reported, we respected, we don't joke on that. Out in California, straight up, no punchline. Terrifying, doublet, earthquakes add to California's seismic dangers. Venezuela shows the risks. We reported, we respected, we don't joke on that. And right here in Sacramento, straight up, no punchline. Fatal stabbing under investigation in Sacramento. We reported, we respected, we don't joke on that. That's the heavy stuff. Now let's get to where the world gets ridiculous, because it always does. Around the world, pixel Europe. I am not making this up. Dr. Congo takes Rwanda to international court over decades of conflict. And people ask me why I talk to my three dogs in full sentences. Here in the states, big mama, you're up. I'm not making this up. Hunter V. United States, the most important criminal case of the term. You can't write this, and trust me, I've tried. I'm 50 and broke. Out in California, Professor, you're up. Hold my drink. California celebrates nearly 3.5 billion universal school meals served. I'd explain it, but my brain filed for the same disability my knees did. And right here in Sacramento, M-A-R-C-U-S, you're up. I'm not making this up. Projecting the King's starting line up in rotation after NBA draft. I read that twice and got dumber both times. And in local news, a Sacramento man bid $800 on a haunted stove and is still waiting to hear back. Developing. That's Red Line News, evening edition. You're informed, you're entertained, and we never punch down. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line, kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}