{"file": "audio/vault/245_eulogy_eu_pension.mp3", "duration_sec": 99.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.2, "text": "We are gathered here today in black to mourn the dearly departed."}, {"start": 3.4, "end": 8.1, "text": "Jesse's state pension taken from us too soon by Jesse who quit on purpose."}, {"start": 8.1, "end": 8.9, "text": "Let us roast."}, {"start": 13.15, "end": 15.55, "text": "The pension was a good pension loyal boring."}, {"start": 15.55, "end": 21.15, "text": "It would have carried him to 80 in beige comfort and he looked at dead in the eye and said I'd rather tell jokes to robots."}, {"start": 21.45, "end": 23.15, "text": "Bold, stupid, beautiful."}, {"start": 29.65, "end": 31.05, "text": "Hey, the pension didn't die."}, {"start": 31.35, "end": 32.25, "text": "It was murdered."}, {"start": 32.85, "end": 37.35, "text": "Jesse walked into that HR office like a man leaving a marriage for a dream he can't afford."}, {"start": 37.85, "end": 39.85, "text": "The pension never even got a good buy card."}, {"start": 47.5, "end": 49.3, "text": "Rest easy sweet pension."}, {"start": 50.1, "end": 51.9, "text": "You would have paid for a condo."}, {"start": 52.7, "end": 56.9, "text": "Instead, you bought a microphone and three dogs worth of vet bills."}, {"start": 57.2, "end": 59.9, "text": "We hardly knew you because he left you."}, {"start": 66.1, "end": 68.6, "text": "Friends, I killed my pension and I do it again."}, {"start": 68.9, "end": 70.0, "text": "Yeah, it was security."}, {"start": 70.2, "end": 72.6, "text": "It was also a slow, beige death with dental."}, {"start": 72.8, "end": 76.4, "text": "I traded a guaranteed boring 80 for a chance at a hilarious 50."}, {"start": 76.8, "end": 78.6, "text": "The pension's gone, but I'm awake."}, {"start": 79.0, "end": 81.1, "text": "Last laughs mine even at a funeral."}, {"start": 87.57, "end": 92.07, "text": "Ashes to ashes direct deposit to dust red line eulogy kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nWe are gathered here today in black to mourn the dearly departed. Jesse's state pension taken from us too soon by Jesse who quit on purpose. Let us roast. The pension was a good pension loyal boring. It would have carried him to 80 in beige comfort and he looked at dead in the eye and said I'd rather tell jokes to robots. Bold, stupid, beautiful. Hey, the pension didn't die. It was murdered. Jesse walked into that HR office like a man leaving a marriage for a dream he can't afford. The pension never even got a good buy card. Rest easy sweet pension. You would have paid for a condo. Instead, you bought a microphone and three dogs worth of vet bills. We hardly knew you because he left you. Friends, I killed my pension and I do it again. Yeah, it was security. It was also a slow, beige death with dental. I traded a guaranteed boring 80 for a chance at a hilarious 50. The pension's gone, but I'm awake. Last laughs mine even at a funeral. Ashes to ashes direct deposit to dust red line eulogy kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}