{"file": "audio/vault/242_auto_20260626_1.mp3", "duration_sec": 221.6, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 28.14, "text": "We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 34.87, "text": "Welcome to the Red Line, tonight bad habits we all have."}, {"start": 34.87, "end": 38.27, "text": "I roast me first. You went on a diet and a budget the same week,"}, {"start": 38.27, "end": 46.45, "text": "so now you're broke and hungry. Bring it."}, {"start": 46.45, "end": 49.05, "text": "Your dating profile says founder energy,"}, {"start": 49.05, "end": 51.45, "text": "that's just unemployment with Wi-Fi."}, {"start": 57.33, "end": 61.13, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 61.13, "end": 62.73, "text": "You're every man of error?"}, {"start": 62.73, "end": 63.73, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 63.73, "end": 70.06, "text": "You proposed nine times with ring pops."}, {"start": 70.06, "end": 72.26, "text": "The candy store knows your order."}, {"start": 72.26, "end": 79.03, "text": "The jeweler thinks you died."}, {"start": 79.03, "end": 81.83, "text": "I, Jesse, you're so broke, your hand."}, {"start": 81.83, "end": 85.83, "text": "Left you for someone with better Wi-Fi. Forget about it."}, {"start": 92.96, "end": 94.96, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 94.96, "end": 98.36, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank."}, {"start": 98.36, "end": 104.53, "text": "You're the lock and the locksmith who can't get in."}, {"start": 111.78, "end": 115.18, "text": "You went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow-up."}, {"start": 115.18, "end": 117.58, "text": "That's not a pivot, that's a flush."}, {"start": 123.22, "end": 127.82, "text": "Your love language is leftovers and your retirement plan is a punchline."}, {"start": 132.58, "end": 134.18, "text": "Southern charm, swamp venom."}, {"start": 134.18, "end": 136.78, "text": "She'll bless your heart and then stop it. Sugar!"}, {"start": 136.78, "end": 142.5, "text": "You drove 90 minutes to bid on a house,"}, {"start": 142.5, "end": 144.9, "text": "where the stove filed for disability."}, {"start": 149.82, "end": 153.42, "text": "I'm just the announcer, but you're not celibate, you're budgeting."}, {"start": 153.42, "end": 156.42, "text": "The only late night action you get is a late fee."}, {"start": 156.42, "end": 162.79, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters."}, {"start": 162.79, "end": 164.19, "text": "Pain in paychecks out."}, {"start": 164.19, "end": 165.59, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 165.59, "end": 167.59, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 173.86, "end": 176.26, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 176.26, "end": 182.26, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 182.26, "end": 187.46, "text": "A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 187.46, "end": 190.06, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 190.06, "end": 193.46, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 193.46, "end": 195.46, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 195.46, "end": 197.86, "text": "Going through something, so is he."}, {"start": 197.86, "end": 201.26, "text": "Always, so come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 201.26, "end": 204.86, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 204.86, "end": 207.86, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 207.86, "end": 212.86, "text": "Open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 212.86, "end": 215.26, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 215.26, "end": 216.26, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the Red Line, tonight bad habits we all have. I roast me first. You went on a diet and a budget the same week, so now you're broke and hungry. Bring it. Your dating profile says founder energy, that's just unemployment with Wi-Fi. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. You're every man of error? Mickey! You proposed nine times with ring pops. The candy store knows your order. The jeweler thinks you died. I, Jesse, you're so broke, your hand. Left you for someone with better Wi-Fi. Forget about it. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank. You're the lock and the locksmith who can't get in. You went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow-up. That's not a pivot, that's a flush. Your love language is leftovers and your retirement plan is a punchline. Southern charm, swamp venom. She'll bless your heart and then stop it. Sugar! You drove 90 minutes to bid on a house, where the stove filed for disability. I'm just the announcer, but you're not celibate, you're budgeting. The only late night action you get is a late fee. That's the show you beautiful disasters. Pain in paychecks out. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he. Always, so come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club. Open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}