{"file": "audio/vault/229_news_20260626_midday.mp3", "duration_sec": 210.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.34, "text": "From the only newsroom that cleans toilets between segments,"}, {"start": 3.34, "end": 6.14, "text": "this is Red Line News, Midday Edition."}, {"start": 6.14, "end": 8.48, "text": "The world explained, then roasted."}, {"start": 8.48, "end": 15.5, "text": "Here's your anchor, Jesse."}, {"start": 15.5, "end": 17.74, "text": "Good afternoon, you informed degenerates."}, {"start": 17.74, "end": 19.5, "text": "It's Friday, June 26."}, {"start": 19.5, "end": 21.2, "text": "Here's your lunch break briefing."}, {"start": 21.2, "end": 24.9, "text": "Real news, real jokes, and we know the difference."}, {"start": 24.9, "end": 27.34, "text": "Around the world, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 27.34, "end": 31.42, "text": "Earthquake is devastating blow to Venezuela at time of uncertainty."}, {"start": 31.42, "end": 37.69, "text": "We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 37.69, "end": 40.05, "text": "Here in the States, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 40.05, "end": 43.77, "text": "Information for travelers returning from Ebola affected areas."}, {"start": 43.77, "end": 49.9, "text": "We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 49.9, "end": 52.5, "text": "Out in California, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 52.5, "end": 57.14, "text": "Maps, 5.6 magnitude earthquake shakes northern California."}, {"start": 57.14, "end": 63.2, "text": "We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 63.2, "end": 66.32, "text": "And right here in Sacramento, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 66.32, "end": 69.16, "text": "Sacramento police investigating stabbing."}, {"start": 69.16, "end": 75.27, "text": "We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 75.27, "end": 76.63, "text": "That's the heavy stuff."}, {"start": 76.63, "end": 85.93, "text": "Now let's get to where the world gets ridiculous because it always does."}, {"start": 85.93, "end": 91.96, "text": "Around the world, Queenstank, you're up."}, {"start": 91.96, "end": 93.28, "text": "Front page today."}, {"start": 93.28, "end": 98.44, "text": "Senior Ukrainian intelligence official jailed for life, for spying for Russia."}, {"start": 98.44, "end": 101.44, "text": "And that's the second craziest thing I read today."}, {"start": 101.44, "end": 111.34, "text": "The first was Jesse's dating profile."}, {"start": 111.34, "end": 116.73, "text": "Here in the States, Benny, you're up."}, {"start": 116.73, "end": 118.01, "text": "Hold my drink."}, {"start": 118.01, "end": 119.97, "text": "USF Tour recap."}, {"start": 119.97, "end": 124.49, "text": "United States falls to Turkey, a advances to round of 32"}, {"start": 124.49, "end": 126.61, "text": "as group D winner."}, {"start": 126.61, "end": 130.37, "text": "And somehow that's still more stable than Jesse's love life."}, {"start": 130.37, "end": 142.5, "text": "Out in California, in May, US, you're up."}, {"start": 142.5, "end": 145.78, "text": "They actually printed this, your November ballot."}, {"start": 145.78, "end": 149.26, "text": "See the 14 measures California voters will decide."}, {"start": 149.26, "end": 151.66, "text": "And that's why I roast myself for a living."}, {"start": 151.66, "end": 158.48, "text": "At least I always book the gig."}, {"start": 158.48, "end": 164.98, "text": "And right here in Sacramento, Mickey, you're up."}, {"start": 164.98, "end": 170.22, "text": "Breaking and I quote, Sacramentary events celebrating the 4th of July."}, {"start": 170.22, "end": 182.38, "text": "The world is held together by tape, vibes and people not reading the news."}, {"start": 182.38, "end": 187.7, "text": "And in local news, a Sacramento man bid $800 on a haunted stove and is still waiting to"}, {"start": 187.7, "end": 196.1, "text": "hear back, developing."}, {"start": 196.1, "end": 198.06, "text": "That's Red Line News midday edition."}, {"start": 198.06, "end": 201.1, "text": "You're informed, you're entertained and we never punch down."}, {"start": 201.1, "end": 204.34, "text": "Before the dark winds, this is Red Line, kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nFrom the only newsroom that cleans toilets between segments, this is Red Line News, Midday Edition. The world explained, then roasted. Here's your anchor, Jesse. Good afternoon, you informed degenerates. It's Friday, June 26. Here's your lunch break briefing. Real news, real jokes, and we know the difference. Around the world, straight up, no punchline. Earthquake is devastating blow to Venezuela at time of uncertainty. We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that. Here in the States, straight up, no punchline. Information for travelers returning from Ebola affected areas. We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that. Out in California, straight up, no punchline. Maps, 5.6 magnitude earthquake shakes northern California. We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that. And right here in Sacramento, straight up, no punchline. Sacramento police investigating stabbing. We report it, we respect it, we don't joke on that. That's the heavy stuff. Now let's get to where the world gets ridiculous because it always does. Around the world, Queenstank, you're up. Front page today. Senior Ukrainian intelligence official jailed for life, for spying for Russia. And that's the second craziest thing I read today. The first was Jesse's dating profile. Here in the States, Benny, you're up. Hold my drink. USF Tour recap. United States falls to Turkey, a advances to round of 32 as group D winner. And somehow that's still more stable than Jesse's love life. Out in California, in May, US, you're up. They actually printed this, your November ballot. See the 14 measures California voters will decide. And that's why I roast myself for a living. At least I always book the gig. And right here in Sacramento, Mickey, you're up. Breaking and I quote, Sacramentary events celebrating the 4th of July. The world is held together by tape, vibes and people not reading the news. And in local news, a Sacramento man bid $800 on a haunted stove and is still waiting to hear back, developing. That's Red Line News midday edition. You're informed, you're entertained and we never punch down. Before the dark winds, this is Red Line, kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}