{"file": "audio/vault/228_news_20260626.mp3", "duration_sec": 203.1, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.5, "text": "From the only newsroom that cleans toilets between segments,"}, {"start": 3.5, "end": 5.54, "text": "this is Red Line Morning News."}, {"start": 5.54, "end": 7.9, "text": "The world explained, then roasted."}, {"start": 7.9, "end": 14.91, "text": "Here's your anchor, Jesse."}, {"start": 14.91, "end": 16.91, "text": "Good morning, you informed degenerates."}, {"start": 16.91, "end": 18.87, "text": "It's Friday, June 26."}, {"start": 18.87, "end": 21.67, "text": "Real news, real jokes, and we know the difference."}, {"start": 21.67, "end": 24.35, "text": "Here's what the hell is going on."}, {"start": 24.35, "end": 26.81, "text": "Around the world, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 26.81, "end": 29.25, "text": "Earthquake is devastating blow to Venezuela"}, {"start": 29.25, "end": 30.91, "text": "at time of uncertainty."}, {"start": 30.91, "end": 37.12, "text": "We reported, we respected, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 37.12, "end": 39.52, "text": "Here in the States, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 39.52, "end": 43.26, "text": "Information for travelers returning from Ebola affected areas."}, {"start": 43.26, "end": 49.4, "text": "We reported, we respected, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 49.4, "end": 51.98, "text": "Out in California, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 51.98, "end": 56.62, "text": "Maps, 5.6 magnitude earthquake shakes northern California."}, {"start": 56.62, "end": 62.67, "text": "We reported, we respected, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 62.67, "end": 65.77, "text": "And right here in Sacramento, straight up, no punchline."}, {"start": 65.77, "end": 68.65, "text": "Sacramento Police Investigating Stabbing."}, {"start": 68.65, "end": 74.7, "text": "We reported, we respected, we don't joke on that."}, {"start": 74.7, "end": 76.04, "text": "That's the heavy stuff."}, {"start": 76.04, "end": 78.5, "text": "Now let's get to where the world gets ridiculous,"}, {"start": 78.5, "end": 85.3, "text": "because it always does."}, {"start": 85.3, "end": 91.12, "text": "Around the world, Mickey, you're up."}, {"start": 91.12, "end": 92.6, "text": "I am not making this up."}, {"start": 92.6, "end": 96.4, "text": "Senior Ukrainian intelligence official jailed for life"}, {"start": 96.4, "end": 98.34, "text": "for spying for Russia."}, {"start": 98.34, "end": 102.04, "text": "I read that twice and got dumber both times."}, {"start": 102.04, "end": 103.28, "text": "Yeah."}, {"start": 103.28, "end": 104.48, "text": "Ha, ha, ha."}, {"start": 104.48, "end": 106.79, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 106.79, "end": 112.86, "text": "Here in the States, Queenstank, you're up."}, {"start": 112.86, "end": 115.46, "text": "Get this US-Abturvy cap."}, {"start": 115.46, "end": 117.74, "text": "United States falls to Tuakay."}, {"start": 117.74, "end": 121.38, "text": "Advances to round of 32 as group D winner."}, {"start": 121.38, "end": 124.68, "text": "I'd explain it, but my brain filed for the same disability"}, {"start": 124.68, "end": 126.18, "text": "my knees did."}, {"start": 126.18, "end": 127.08, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 127.08, "end": 132.11, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 132.11, "end": 138.44, "text": "Out in California, big mama, you're up."}, {"start": 138.44, "end": 139.64, "text": "I am not making this up."}, {"start": 139.64, "end": 142.2, "text": "California will vote on a billionaire tax."}, {"start": 142.2, "end": 143.8, "text": "Billionaires aren't happy."}, {"start": 143.8, "end": 146.6, "text": "Somewhere a billionaire read that and bought a bunker."}, {"start": 146.6, "end": 148.44, "text": "I read it and bought a haunted stove."}, {"start": 148.44, "end": 149.44, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 149.44, "end": 153.69, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 153.97, "end": 160.61, "text": "And right here in Sacramento, Ruby, you're up."}, {"start": 160.61, "end": 164.17, "text": "OK, real headline, Sacramento area events celebrating"}, {"start": 164.17, "end": 165.65, "text": "the 4th of July."}, {"start": 165.65, "end": 167.93, "text": "And that's why I roast myself for a living."}, {"start": 167.93, "end": 175.55, "text": "At least I always book the gig."}, {"start": 175.55, "end": 177.79, "text": "And in local news, a Sacramento man"}, {"start": 177.79, "end": 181.07, "text": "bid $800 on a haunted stove and is still waiting"}, {"start": 181.07, "end": 189.34, "text": "to hear back, developing."}, {"start": 189.34, "end": 190.78, "text": "That's Red Line Morning News."}, {"start": 190.78, "end": 193.62, "text": "You're informed, you're entertained, and we never punched out."}, {"start": 193.62, "end": 195.18, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 195.18, "end": 196.42, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 196.42, "end": 197.42, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nFrom the only newsroom that cleans toilets between segments, this is Red Line Morning News. The world explained, then roasted. Here's your anchor, Jesse. Good morning, you informed degenerates. It's Friday, June 26. Real news, real jokes, and we know the difference. Here's what the hell is going on. Around the world, straight up, no punchline. Earthquake is devastating blow to Venezuela at time of uncertainty. We reported, we respected, we don't joke on that. Here in the States, straight up, no punchline. Information for travelers returning from Ebola affected areas. We reported, we respected, we don't joke on that. Out in California, straight up, no punchline. Maps, 5.6 magnitude earthquake shakes northern California. We reported, we respected, we don't joke on that. And right here in Sacramento, straight up, no punchline. Sacramento Police Investigating Stabbing. We reported, we respected, we don't joke on that. That's the heavy stuff. Now let's get to where the world gets ridiculous, because it always does. Around the world, Mickey, you're up. I am not making this up. Senior Ukrainian intelligence official jailed for life for spying for Russia. I read that twice and got dumber both times. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. Oh. Here in the States, Queenstank, you're up. Get this US-Abturvy cap. United States falls to Tuakay. Advances to round of 32 as group D winner. I'd explain it, but my brain filed for the same disability my knees did. Oh. Oh. Out in California, big mama, you're up. I am not making this up. California will vote on a billionaire tax. Billionaires aren't happy. Somewhere a billionaire read that and bought a bunker. I read it and bought a haunted stove. Oh. Oh. And right here in Sacramento, Ruby, you're up. OK, real headline, Sacramento area events celebrating the 4th of July. And that's why I roast myself for a living. At least I always book the gig. And in local news, a Sacramento man bid $800 on a haunted stove and is still waiting to hear back, developing. That's Red Line Morning News. You're informed, you're entertained, and we never punched out. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}