{"file": "audio/vault/223_auto_20260626_2.mp3", "duration_sec": 217.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.04, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.04, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 28.24, "text": "We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.24, "end": 34.87, "text": "Welcome to the Red Line, tonight Bad Habits, we all have."}, {"start": 34.97, "end": 37.67, "text": "I roast me first. You proposed with Ring Pops,"}, {"start": 37.67, "end": 40.67, "text": "the candy store knows your order, the jeweler thinks you died."}, {"start": 40.67, "end": 41.67, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 41.67, "end": 50.48, "text": "She showed up late, loud, and somehow funnier than all of you."}, {"start": 50.48, "end": 53.98, "text": "The party that never RSVPs, Jess."}, {"start": 53.98, "end": 61.9, "text": "You have 14,000 unread emails and a five alarm panic about a text from March."}, {"start": 69.26, "end": 71.86, "text": "Older than your house, filthier than your group chat."}, {"start": 71.86, "end": 73.66, "text": "Grandpa's got no breaks."}, {"start": 73.66, "end": 74.66, "text": "Pops!"}, {"start": 78.07, "end": 79.97, "text": "You roast yourself for a living"}, {"start": 79.97, "end": 83.17, "text": "because it's the only gig that always books you."}, {"start": 83.17, "end": 92.7, "text": "You apologize to self-checkout machines out loud to a kiosk."}, {"start": 98.1, "end": 99.5, "text": "Southern Charm, Swamp Venom."}, {"start": 99.5, "end": 101.3, "text": "She'll bless your heart and then stop it."}, {"start": 101.3, "end": 102.3, "text": "Sugar."}, {"start": 102.3, "end": 108.14, "text": "You set five alarms, hate all five,"}, {"start": 108.14, "end": 112.84, "text": "and negotiate with the first one like it betrayed you."}, {"start": 115.84, "end": 117.84, "text": "Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits,"}, {"start": 117.84, "end": 120.04, "text": "the chaos gremlin himself, pixel."}, {"start": 120.04, "end": 125.72, "text": "You set five alarms, hate all five,"}, {"start": 125.72, "end": 127.92, "text": "negotiate with the first like it betrayed you."}, {"start": 136.02, "end": 138.42, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here."}, {"start": 138.42, "end": 141.42, "text": "The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew."}, {"start": 141.42, "end": 142.42, "text": "Trip."}, {"start": 142.42, "end": 148.72, "text": "You went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow up."}, {"start": 148.72, "end": 150.72, "text": "That's not a pivot, that's a flush."}, {"start": 151.72, "end": 158.43, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters."}, {"start": 158.43, "end": 159.83, "text": "Pain in paychecks out."}, {"start": 159.83, "end": 163.43, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds, this is red line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 169.66, "end": 172.06, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 172.06, "end": 177.86, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day"}, {"start": 177.86, "end": 180.26, "text": "of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 180.26, "end": 185.86, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 185.86, "end": 189.46, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 189.46, "end": 191.46, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 191.46, "end": 194.86, "text": "Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 194.86, "end": 197.26, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 197.26, "end": 202.26, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 202.26, "end": 208.86, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 208.86, "end": 209.86, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 209.86, "end": 211.36, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 211.36, "end": 211.86, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the Red Line, tonight Bad Habits, we all have. I roast me first. You proposed with Ring Pops, the candy store knows your order, the jeweler thinks you died. Bring it. She showed up late, loud, and somehow funnier than all of you. The party that never RSVPs, Jess. You have 14,000 unread emails and a five alarm panic about a text from March. Older than your house, filthier than your group chat. Grandpa's got no breaks. Pops! You roast yourself for a living because it's the only gig that always books you. You apologize to self-checkout machines out loud to a kiosk. Southern Charm, Swamp Venom. She'll bless your heart and then stop it. Sugar. You set five alarms, hate all five, and negotiate with the first one like it betrayed you. Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits, the chaos gremlin himself, pixel. You set five alarms, hate all five, negotiate with the first like it betrayed you. He optimized his entire life and ended up here. The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew. Trip. You went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow up. That's not a pivot, that's a flush. That's the show you beautiful disasters. Pain in paychecks out. Laugh before the dark winds, this is red line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}