{"file": "audio/vault/213_auto_20260626_1.mp3", "duration_sec": 221.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.04, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.04, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.24, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.24, "end": 33.04, "text": "Welcome to the Red Line."}, {"start": 33.04, "end": 35.04, "text": "Tonight, bad habits we all have."}, {"start": 35.04, "end": 36.14, "text": "I roast me first."}, {"start": 36.24, "end": 40.34, "text": "You drove 90 minutes to bid on a house where the stove filed for disability."}, {"start": 40.34, "end": 41.34, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 41.34, "end": 51.72, "text": "Your phone battery and your will to live hit 2% at the same time every night."}, {"start": 54.72, "end": 61.56, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 61.56, "end": 63.06, "text": "Your every man of error?"}, {"start": 63.06, "end": 64.06, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 64.06, "end": 71.3, "text": "You went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow-up."}, {"start": 71.3, "end": 73.8, "text": "That's not a pivot. That's a flush."}, {"start": 79.0, "end": 83.6, "text": "I Jesse, your love language is leftovers and your retirement plan is a punchline."}, {"start": 83.6, "end": 84.8, "text": "Forget about it."}, {"start": 84.8, "end": 94.46, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 94.46, "end": 96.46, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit."}, {"start": 96.46, "end": 97.46, "text": "Queen Stank!"}, {"start": 97.46, "end": 104.7, "text": "You quit a state job with a pension to follow your passion."}, {"start": 104.7, "end": 106.7, "text": "Turns out your passion was leaving."}, {"start": 114.18, "end": 117.58, "text": "You pulled a muscle picking up a quarter, negative return on a coin."}, {"start": 118.58, "end": 127.58, "text": "You're a 50-year-old man whose only dependence have tails."}, {"start": 132.58, "end": 134.08, "text": "Southern Charm, Swamp Venom."}, {"start": 134.08, "end": 135.58, "text": "She'll bless your heart and then stop it."}, {"start": 135.58, "end": 136.58, "text": "Sugar!"}, {"start": 136.58, "end": 144.46, "text": "You've got 47 AI tools and still ask the microwave what time it is."}, {"start": 149.83, "end": 153.83, "text": "I'm just the announcer but you apologize to a self-checkout machine this morning."}, {"start": 153.83, "end": 160.44, "text": "Out loud to a kiosk."}, {"start": 160.44, "end": 162.44, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters."}, {"start": 162.44, "end": 163.44, "text": "Pain in paychecks out."}, {"start": 163.44, "end": 165.44, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 165.44, "end": 167.44, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 167.44, "end": 175.97, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 175.97, "end": 183.97, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 183.97, "end": 186.97, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 186.97, "end": 189.97, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 189.97, "end": 192.97, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 192.97, "end": 194.97, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 194.97, "end": 197.97, "text": "Going through something, so is he."}, {"start": 197.97, "end": 198.97, "text": "Always."}, {"start": 198.97, "end": 200.97, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 200.97, "end": 204.97, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 204.97, "end": 207.97, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 207.97, "end": 208.97, "text": "Open all night."}, {"start": 208.97, "end": 212.97, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 212.97, "end": 213.97, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 213.97, "end": 214.97, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 214.97, "end": 215.97, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the Red Line. Tonight, bad habits we all have. I roast me first. You drove 90 minutes to bid on a house where the stove filed for disability. Bring it. Your phone battery and your will to live hit 2% at the same time every night. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. Your every man of error? Mickey! You went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow-up. That's not a pivot. That's a flush. I Jesse, your love language is leftovers and your retirement plan is a punchline. Forget about it. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit. Queen Stank! You quit a state job with a pension to follow your passion. Turns out your passion was leaving. You pulled a muscle picking up a quarter, negative return on a coin. You're a 50-year-old man whose only dependence have tails. Southern Charm, Swamp Venom. She'll bless your heart and then stop it. Sugar! You've got 47 AI tools and still ask the microwave what time it is. I'm just the announcer but you apologize to a self-checkout machine this morning. Out loud to a kiosk. That's the show you beautiful disasters. Pain in paychecks out. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he. Always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club. Open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}