{"file": "audio/vault/20_family_friends_vs_lonewolf.mp3", "duration_sec": 184.6, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.84, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 2.84, "end": 3.8, "text": "Adults only."}, {"start": 3.8, "end": 5.54, "text": "No kids, no mercy."}, {"start": 5.54, "end": 8.24, "text": "For 15 years, one show ruled comedy."}, {"start": 8.24, "end": 10.24, "text": "Tonight, we come for the crown."}, {"start": 10.24, "end": 12.84, "text": "This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis"}, {"start": 12.84, "end": 16.68, "text": "on a supercomputer 24 hours a day, seven days a week."}, {"start": 16.68, "end": 20.44, "text": "We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years."}, {"start": 20.44, "end": 24.12, "text": "Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh."}, {"start": 24.12, "end": 25.36, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 25.36, "end": 27.8, "text": "Tonight, family and friends versus me."}, {"start": 27.8, "end": 29.76, "text": "Because I got no family, no friends,"}, {"start": 29.76, "end": 31.64, "text": "three dogs and a microphone."}, {"start": 31.64, "end": 32.68, "text": "I'm not alone wolf."}, {"start": 32.68, "end": 35.08, "text": "I'm alone golden retriever owner."}, {"start": 35.08, "end": 37.64, "text": "So roast the loneliest man in America."}, {"start": 37.64, "end": 43.7, "text": "Nana, you got a family come hurt me."}, {"start": 43.7, "end": 45.58, "text": "Jesse, no family, no friends."}, {"start": 45.58, "end": 48.78, "text": "Your emergency contact is the manager at Chipotle."}, {"start": 48.78, "end": 50.82, "text": "When you slip in the shower, the only one coming"}, {"start": 50.82, "end": 63.08, "text": "is a dog who licks your face and then eats your snacks."}, {"start": 63.08, "end": 66.16, "text": "Nana, you got a big family who all love you, which"}, {"start": 66.16, "end": 68.84, "text": "is why they put you in a home with a lovely view of the parking"}, {"start": 68.84, "end": 69.72, "text": "lot."}, {"start": 69.72, "end": 73.16, "text": "I got no family, but at least nobody's waiting on my Wi-Fi"}, {"start": 73.16, "end": 80.23, "text": "password in the will."}, {"start": 80.23, "end": 83.95, "text": "Jesse, in my family, you can't get rid of us if you try."}, {"start": 83.95, "end": 86.59, "text": "We show up the funos we weren't even invited to."}, {"start": 86.59, "end": 89.47, "text": "You got the one thing every Italian dreams of."}, {"start": 89.47, "end": 96.46, "text": "Peace."}, {"start": 96.46, "end": 98.3, "text": "I got friends, Jesse."}, {"start": 98.3, "end": 100.82, "text": "Sure, they only text when they need something,"}, {"start": 100.82, "end": 104.06, "text": "but that's still more than your three dogs who only love"}, {"start": 104.06, "end": 108.94, "text": "you for the kibble."}, {"start": 108.94, "end": 112.22, "text": "Mickey, your friends are just people you haven't disappointed yet."}, {"start": 112.22, "end": 119.27, "text": "Give it time."}, {"start": 119.27, "end": 123.15, "text": "Jesse, you turned having no friends into a comedy empire."}, {"start": 123.15, "end": 124.99, "text": "That's not sad, baby."}, {"start": 124.99, "end": 135.28, "text": "That's the most productive breakdown I have ever witnessed."}, {"start": 135.28, "end": 137.0, "text": "And that's the truth, folks."}, {"start": 137.0, "end": 139.2, "text": "Family, friends, half of you can't stand the people you're"}, {"start": 139.2, "end": 141.8, "text": "stuck with, and I can't find anybody to be stuck with."}, {"start": 141.8, "end": 142.88, "text": "But here's the thing."}, {"start": 142.88, "end": 144.8, "text": "12 years ago, my family let me go."}, {"start": 144.8, "end": 147.32, "text": "I got no friends in the book, but every single night a room"}, {"start": 147.32, "end": 149.36, "text": "full of comics shows up to roast me."}, {"start": 149.36, "end": 151.68, "text": "And that's the closest thing to a family I've got."}, {"start": 151.68, "end": 153.2, "text": "So thank you for being mine."}, {"start": 153.2, "end": 154.84, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh."}, {"start": 154.84, "end": 163.07, "text": "This is Red Line, Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 163.07, "end": 164.35, "text": "That's our show."}, {"start": 164.35, "end": 165.59, "text": "But we never stop."}, {"start": 165.59, "end": 169.51, "text": "New comedy 24.7 and a two-hour Kill Jesse special four times"}, {"start": 169.51, "end": 170.15, "text": "a month."}, {"start": 170.15, "end": 173.35, "text": "We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days."}, {"start": 173.35, "end": 176.55, "text": "So come back tomorrow and the day after because at Red Line,"}, {"start": 176.55, "end": 178.15, "text": "the carnival never closes."}, {"start": 178.15, "end": 181.07, "text": "Subscribe, share, and tell your filthiest friend."}, {"start": 181.07, "end": 182.79, "text": "This is bombed.app."}, {"start": 182.79, "end": 184.75, "text": "Good night and stay unhinged."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLadies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club. Adults only. No kids, no mercy. For 15 years, one show ruled comedy. Tonight, we come for the crown. This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years. Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh. Jesse. Tonight, family and friends versus me. Because I got no family, no friends, three dogs and a microphone. I'm not alone wolf. I'm alone golden retriever owner. So roast the loneliest man in America. Nana, you got a family come hurt me. Jesse, no family, no friends. Your emergency contact is the manager at Chipotle. When you slip in the shower, the only one coming is a dog who licks your face and then eats your snacks. Nana, you got a big family who all love you, which is why they put you in a home with a lovely view of the parking lot. I got no family, but at least nobody's waiting on my Wi-Fi password in the will. Jesse, in my family, you can't get rid of us if you try. We show up the funos we weren't even invited to. You got the one thing every Italian dreams of. Peace. I got friends, Jesse. Sure, they only text when they need something, but that's still more than your three dogs who only love you for the kibble. Mickey, your friends are just people you haven't disappointed yet. Give it time. Jesse, you turned having no friends into a comedy empire. That's not sad, baby. That's the most productive breakdown I have ever witnessed. And that's the truth, folks. Family, friends, half of you can't stand the people you're stuck with, and I can't find anybody to be stuck with. But here's the thing. 12 years ago, my family let me go. I got no friends in the book, but every single night a room full of comics shows up to roast me. And that's the closest thing to a family I've got. So thank you for being mine. The hero gets the last laugh. This is Red Line, Kill Jesse. That's our show. But we never stop. New comedy 24.7 and a two-hour Kill Jesse special four times a month. We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days. So come back tomorrow and the day after because at Red Line, the carnival never closes. Subscribe, share, and tell your filthiest friend. This is bombed.app. Good night and stay unhinged.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}