{"file": "audio/vault/203_auto_20260626_7.mp3", "duration_sec": 240.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.04, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.04, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.24, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.24, "end": 34.67, "text": "Welcome to the Red Line tonight, the Daily Grind roast."}, {"start": 34.67, "end": 35.67, "text": "I roast me first."}, {"start": 35.67, "end": 38.47, "text": "You bought a plant to feel responsible for something living."}, {"start": 38.47, "end": 39.47, "text": "It died."}, {"start": 39.47, "end": 41.47, "text": "Same place you started but with proof."}, {"start": 41.47, "end": 47.85, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 47.85, "end": 51.25, "text": "She showed up late, loud, and somehow funnier than all of you."}, {"start": 51.25, "end": 53.55, "text": "The party that never RSVPs."}, {"start": 53.55, "end": 57.76, "text": "Yes."}, {"start": 57.76, "end": 62.26, "text": "You roast yourself for a living because it's the only gig that always books you."}, {"start": 62.26, "end": 70.36, "text": "From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time."}, {"start": 70.36, "end": 73.26, "text": "The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor."}, {"start": 73.26, "end": 77.47, "text": "Vinnie."}, {"start": 77.47, "end": 79.37, "text": "You asked an AI for therapy."}, {"start": 79.47, "end": 82.57, "text": "That thing's the only relationship where you can't get dumped."}, {"start": 82.57, "end": 89.88, "text": "Only hit your monthly limit."}, {"start": 89.88, "end": 91.68, "text": "Hey, Jesse."}, {"start": 91.68, "end": 94.88, "text": "You proposed nine times with ring pops."}, {"start": 94.88, "end": 96.88, "text": "The candy store knows your order."}, {"start": 96.88, "end": 98.88, "text": "The jewel of things you died."}, {"start": 98.88, "end": 100.38, "text": "Forget it, Bullditt."}, {"start": 100.38, "end": 108.77, "text": "He brings the doom, the gloom, and a voice from the bottom of a well."}, {"start": 108.77, "end": 109.97, "text": "Please welcome."}, {"start": 109.97, "end": 114.32, "text": "Graves."}, {"start": 114.32, "end": 117.02, "text": "Your dating profile says founder energy."}, {"start": 117.02, "end": 126.93, "text": "That's just unemployment with Wi-Fi."}, {"start": 126.93, "end": 131.93, "text": "Your smart home has more devices listening to you"}, {"start": 131.93, "end": 133.93, "text": "than people who will text you back."}, {"start": 133.93, "end": 136.93, "text": "Wow."}, {"start": 136.93, "end": 139.43, "text": "Wow."}, {"start": 139.43, "end": 142.23, "text": "You named the dogs better than you named any relationship."}, {"start": 142.23, "end": 149.98, "text": "At least the dogs come when cold."}, {"start": 149.98, "end": 152.48, "text": "Loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county."}, {"start": 152.48, "end": 153.18, "text": "She loves you."}, {"start": 153.18, "end": 158.48, "text": "She'll bury you big mama."}, {"start": 158.48, "end": 161.38, "text": "You apologized to a self checkout machine this morning."}, {"start": 161.38, "end": 167.72, "text": "Out loud to a kiosk."}, {"start": 167.72, "end": 171.02, "text": "I'm just the announcer, but you quit a state job with a pension"}, {"start": 171.02, "end": 172.52, "text": "to follow your passion."}, {"start": 172.52, "end": 179.18, "text": "Turns out your passion was leaving."}, {"start": 179.18, "end": 181.18, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters."}, {"start": 181.18, "end": 182.68, "text": "Pain in paychecks out."}, {"start": 182.68, "end": 184.08, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 184.08, "end": 185.18, "text": "This is red line."}, {"start": 185.18, "end": 192.27, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 192.27, "end": 194.67, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 194.67, "end": 198.87, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour"}, {"start": 198.87, "end": 202.87, "text": "of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 202.87, "end": 205.87, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 205.87, "end": 208.47, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 208.47, "end": 211.97, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 211.97, "end": 213.07, "text": "Can't sleep."}, {"start": 213.07, "end": 213.97, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 213.97, "end": 215.37, "text": "Going through something."}, {"start": 215.37, "end": 216.37, "text": "So is he."}, {"start": 216.37, "end": 217.47, "text": "Always."}, {"start": 217.47, "end": 219.77, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 219.77, "end": 223.37, "text": "Go to bombed.ab and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 223.37, "end": 226.27, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club."}, {"start": 226.27, "end": 228.87, "text": "Open all night because somewhere out there,"}, {"start": 228.87, "end": 231.37, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 231.37, "end": 232.37, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 232.37, "end": 233.87, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 233.87, "end": 235.37, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the Red Line tonight, the Daily Grind roast. I roast me first. You bought a plant to feel responsible for something living. It died. Same place you started but with proof. Bring it. She showed up late, loud, and somehow funnier than all of you. The party that never RSVPs. Yes. You roast yourself for a living because it's the only gig that always books you. From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time. The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor. Vinnie. You asked an AI for therapy. That thing's the only relationship where you can't get dumped. Only hit your monthly limit. Hey, Jesse. You proposed nine times with ring pops. The candy store knows your order. The jewel of things you died. Forget it, Bullditt. He brings the doom, the gloom, and a voice from the bottom of a well. Please welcome. Graves. Your dating profile says founder energy. That's just unemployment with Wi-Fi. Your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who will text you back. Wow. Wow. You named the dogs better than you named any relationship. At least the dogs come when cold. Loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county. She loves you. She'll bury you big mama. You apologized to a self checkout machine this morning. Out loud to a kiosk. I'm just the announcer, but you quit a state job with a pension to follow your passion. Turns out your passion was leaving. That's the show you beautiful disasters. Pain in paychecks out. Laugh before the dark winds. This is red line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep. We're up. Going through something. So is he. Always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.ab and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club. Open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}