{"file": "audio/vault/199_auto_20260626_3.mp3", "duration_sec": 225.1, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.14, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 34.64, "text": "Welcome to the Red Line tonight, the Daily Grind roast."}, {"start": 34.64, "end": 35.84, "text": "I roast me first."}, {"start": 35.84, "end": 40.04, "text": "Your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who will text you back."}, {"start": 40.04, "end": 41.04, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 41.04, "end": 50.11, "text": "You quit a state job with a pension to follow your passion."}, {"start": 50.11, "end": 52.11, "text": "Turns out your passion was leaving."}, {"start": 52.11, "end": 60.99, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 60.99, "end": 63.39, "text": "Your every man of error, Mickey!"}, {"start": 63.39, "end": 68.93, "text": "You stand in the kitchen at two,"}, {"start": 68.93, "end": 72.33, "text": "and making eye contact with the fridge like you're in love."}, {"start": 72.33, "end": 80.04, "text": "I, Jesse, your love language is leftovers,"}, {"start": 80.04, "end": 82.64, "text": "and your retirement plan is a punchline."}, {"start": 82.64, "end": 84.24, "text": "Forget about it."}, {"start": 87.24, "end": 91.94, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here."}, {"start": 91.94, "end": 94.94, "text": "The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew."}, {"start": 94.94, "end": 99.01, "text": "Trip!"}, {"start": 99.01, "end": 103.61, "text": "You apologized to a self-checkout machine this morning, out loud to a kiosk."}, {"start": 103.61, "end": 115.1, "text": "You bought a plant to feel responsible for something living."}, {"start": 115.1, "end": 121.57, "text": "Same place you started, but with proof."}, {"start": 122.17, "end": 129.83, "text": "You clean toilets all day in your own life's a biohazard."}, {"start": 129.83, "end": 131.83, "text": "Physician mopped by self."}, {"start": 136.83, "end": 139.63, "text": "Glamour on the outside, switch plate on the inside."}, {"start": 139.63, "end": 145.46, "text": "The diamond that cuts back, Ruby!"}, {"start": 145.46, "end": 150.06, "text": "You roast yourself for a living because it's the only gig that always books you."}, {"start": 150.06, "end": 159.94, "text": "I'm just the announcer, but your credit score called and just said LOL."}, {"start": 160.94, "end": 166.21, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters,"}, {"start": 166.21, "end": 167.41, "text": "pain in paychecks out."}, {"start": 167.41, "end": 171.41, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds, this is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 171.41, "end": 178.98, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 178.98, "end": 186.98, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 186.98, "end": 190.98, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 190.98, "end": 196.98, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 196.98, "end": 198.98, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 198.98, "end": 201.38, "text": "Going through something, so is he."}, {"start": 201.38, "end": 202.38, "text": "Always."}, {"start": 202.38, "end": 204.78, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 204.78, "end": 209.78, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 209.78, "end": 213.78, "text": "The Red Line Comedy Club, open all night because somewhere out there,"}, {"start": 213.78, "end": 216.38, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 216.38, "end": 218.78, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 218.78, "end": 219.78, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the Red Line tonight, the Daily Grind roast. I roast me first. Your smart home has more devices listening to you than people who will text you back. Bring it. You quit a state job with a pension to follow your passion. Turns out your passion was leaving. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. Your every man of error, Mickey! You stand in the kitchen at two, and making eye contact with the fridge like you're in love. I, Jesse, your love language is leftovers, and your retirement plan is a punchline. Forget about it. He optimized his entire life and ended up here. The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew. Trip! You apologized to a self-checkout machine this morning, out loud to a kiosk. You bought a plant to feel responsible for something living. Same place you started, but with proof. You clean toilets all day in your own life's a biohazard. Physician mopped by self. Glamour on the outside, switch plate on the inside. The diamond that cuts back, Ruby! You roast yourself for a living because it's the only gig that always books you. I'm just the announcer, but your credit score called and just said LOL. That's the show you beautiful disasters, pain in paychecks out. Laugh before the dark winds, this is Red Line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he. Always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The Red Line Comedy Club, open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}