{"file": "audio/vault/194_doomscroll_2am.mp3", "duration_sec": 272.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.84, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.84, "end": 19.04, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software,"}, {"start": 19.04, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 31.32, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 31.32, "end": 35.02, "text": "In a world where the longest relationship a man ever had,"}, {"start": 35.02, "end": 37.82, "text": "glows in the dark and dies at 2%."}, {"start": 37.82, "end": 41.62, "text": "Red Line presents Doomscrolling at 2 a.m."}, {"start": 41.62, "end": 48.8, "text": "Welcome you sleepless degenerates."}, {"start": 48.8, "end": 50.0, "text": "I roast me first."}, {"start": 50.0, "end": 52.4, "text": "My phone is my most committed relationship."}, {"start": 52.4, "end": 55.7, "text": "50 years old and I tuck myself in every night with a screen"}, {"start": 55.7, "end": 58.6, "text": "and a slow descent into other people's vacations."}, {"start": 58.6, "end": 59.6, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 64.56, "end": 72.3, "text": "Raised by Wi-Fi and Rage Quits, the chaos Gremlin himself, Pixel."}, {"start": 72.3, "end": 76.3, "text": "Bro, your screen time report is a cry for help with a bar graph."}, {"start": 76.3, "end": 82.1, "text": "You spent nine hours researching and the research was a man deep frying a turkey and a kiddie pool."}, {"start": 82.1, "end": 92.57, "text": "King behavior, zero kingdom."}, {"start": 92.57, "end": 94.77, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 94.77, "end": 101.41, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank."}, {"start": 101.41, "end": 104.51, "text": "Baby, you Doomscroll at 2 a.m. to feel something."}, {"start": 104.51, "end": 119.78, "text": "And all you feel is your thumb cramping and your ex's wedding photos loading."}, {"start": 119.78, "end": 120.78, "text": "I, Jesse."}, {"start": 120.78, "end": 124.78, "text": "You watch other people live for three hours, then wonder why you're tired."}, {"start": 124.78, "end": 125.98, "text": "You're not scrolling."}, {"start": 125.98, "end": 132.78, "text": "You're attending everyone's life but your own unpaid, uninvited at 2 in the morning."}, {"start": 141.01, "end": 144.51, "text": "He brings the doom, the gloom, and a voice from the bottom of a well."}, {"start": 144.51, "end": 149.92, "text": "Please welcome Graves."}, {"start": 149.92, "end": 152.12, "text": "Jesse, the blue light keeps you awake."}, {"start": 152.12, "end": 156.42, "text": "The content keeps you empty and the algorithm knows you better than your mother."}, {"start": 156.42, "end": 158.52, "text": "It's the only thing that's never left."}, {"start": 158.52, "end": 159.12, "text": "Bleak."}, {"start": 159.12, "end": 160.12, "text": "Accurate."}, {"start": 163.18, "end": 171.9, "text": "You're just checking one thing at midnight."}, {"start": 172.4, "end": 174.9, "text": "And surfaced at 4."}, {"start": 174.9, "end": 178.9, "text": "M. having liked a photo from 2019."}, {"start": 179.9, "end": 182.4, "text": "You didn't check one thing."}, {"start": 182.4, "end": 184.9, "text": "You time traveled into a cringe."}, {"start": 192.67, "end": 193.67, "text": "I got one."}, {"start": 193.67, "end": 199.67, "text": "Jesse's phone battery and his will to live hit 2% at the exact same time every single night."}, {"start": 208.06, "end": 213.06, "text": "That's the show, Me The Dark, a glowing rectangle and 4,000 strangers live in better than me."}, {"start": 213.06, "end": 215.56, "text": "Somehow I turned that into a comedy show."}, {"start": 215.56, "end": 218.06, "text": "Put the phone down people right after this."}, {"start": 218.06, "end": 219.56, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 219.56, "end": 221.06, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 221.06, "end": 229.78, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 229.78, "end": 232.28, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 232.28, "end": 240.28, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 240.28, "end": 246.28, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, 7 days a week."}, {"start": 246.28, "end": 249.78, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 249.78, "end": 250.78, "text": "Can't sleep."}, {"start": 250.78, "end": 251.78, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 251.78, "end": 253.28, "text": "Going through something."}, {"start": 253.28, "end": 254.28, "text": "So is he."}, {"start": 254.28, "end": 255.28, "text": "Always."}, {"start": 255.28, "end": 257.28, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 257.28, "end": 261.28, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 261.28, "end": 262.28, "text": "Before the dark winds."}, {"start": 262.28, "end": 264.28, "text": "The Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 264.28, "end": 265.28, "text": "Open all night."}, {"start": 265.28, "end": 266.78, "text": "Because somewhere out there."}, {"start": 266.78, "end": 269.28, "text": "It is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 269.28, "end": 270.28, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 270.28, "end": 271.78, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 271.78, "end": 272.28, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. In a world where the longest relationship a man ever had, glows in the dark and dies at 2%. Red Line presents Doomscrolling at 2 a.m. Welcome you sleepless degenerates. I roast me first. My phone is my most committed relationship. 50 years old and I tuck myself in every night with a screen and a slow descent into other people's vacations. Bring it. Raised by Wi-Fi and Rage Quits, the chaos Gremlin himself, Pixel. Bro, your screen time report is a cry for help with a bar graph. You spent nine hours researching and the research was a man deep frying a turkey and a kiddie pool. King behavior, zero kingdom. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank. Baby, you Doomscroll at 2 a.m. to feel something. And all you feel is your thumb cramping and your ex's wedding photos loading. I, Jesse. You watch other people live for three hours, then wonder why you're tired. You're not scrolling. You're attending everyone's life but your own unpaid, uninvited at 2 in the morning. He brings the doom, the gloom, and a voice from the bottom of a well. Please welcome Graves. Jesse, the blue light keeps you awake. The content keeps you empty and the algorithm knows you better than your mother. It's the only thing that's never left. Bleak. Accurate. You're just checking one thing at midnight. And surfaced at 4. M. having liked a photo from 2019. You didn't check one thing. You time traveled into a cringe. I got one. Jesse's phone battery and his will to live hit 2% at the exact same time every single night. That's the show, Me The Dark, a glowing rectangle and 4,000 strangers live in better than me. Somehow I turned that into a comedy show. Put the phone down people right after this. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, 7 days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep. We're up. Going through something. So is he. Always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds. The Red Line comedy club. Open all night. Because somewhere out there. It is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}