{"file": "audio/vault/193_marriage_advice_nine.mp3", "duration_sec": 254.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.04, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.04, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.24, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.24, "end": 36.05, "text": "In a world where the least qualified man alive hands out marriage advice,"}, {"start": 36.15, "end": 39.65, "text": "Red Line presents Take Notes from the Guy in the Chair."}, {"start": 39.65, "end": 46.8, "text": "Welcome, you hopeless romantics."}, {"start": 46.8, "end": 48.0, "text": "I roast me first."}, {"start": 48.0, "end": 50.0, "text": "Nine engagements, zero weddings."}, {"start": 50.0, "end": 52.6, "text": "So naturally, I'm here to give you marriage advice."}, {"start": 52.6, "end": 57.4, "text": "That's like talking swimming lessons from a guy who's only ever DRO WNED."}, {"start": 57.4, "end": 58.4, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 58.4, "end": 65.71, "text": "Hey Jesse!"}, {"start": 65.71, "end": 69.71, "text": "You're giving love advice like the Titanic doing a boat tour."}, {"start": 69.71, "end": 70.71, "text": "Step one."}, {"start": 70.71, "end": 72.11, "text": "See the iceberg."}, {"start": 72.11, "end": 73.11, "text": "Step two."}, {"start": 73.11, "end": 75.51, "text": "Propose to it with a ring pop."}, {"start": 75.51, "end": 86.5, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 86.5, "end": 88.5, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit."}, {"start": 88.5, "end": 89.5, "text": "Queen's Tank."}, {"start": 89.5, "end": 95.64, "text": "Baby, your big tip is communicate."}, {"start": 95.64, "end": 99.64, "text": "From a man who quit Uber by delighting the app at a red light,"}, {"start": 99.64, "end": 100.64, "text": "you don't communicate."}, {"start": 100.64, "end": 101.64, "text": "You evaporate."}, {"start": 101.64, "end": 113.87, "text": "Honey, nine fiances means nine women looked at forever with you"}, {"start": 113.87, "end": 115.87, "text": "and chose the unknown."}, {"start": 115.87, "end": 120.87, "text": "Your advice should just be a warning label and an apology."}, {"start": 120.87, "end": 122.87, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 122.87, "end": 129.1, "text": "Older than your house, healthier than your group chat."}, {"start": 129.1, "end": 131.1, "text": "Grandpa's got no breaks."}, {"start": 131.1, "end": 132.1, "text": "Pops!"}, {"start": 132.1, "end": 139.01, "text": "Kid, in my day you married once and suffered like a man."}, {"start": 139.01, "end": 142.01, "text": "You suffered nine times and called it research."}, {"start": 142.01, "end": 143.01, "text": "You're not a romantic."}, {"start": 143.01, "end": 146.01, "text": "You're a scientist with a terrible lab."}, {"start": 146.01, "end": 153.23, "text": "Real talk."}, {"start": 153.23, "end": 156.23, "text": "Your tip never go to bed angry is rich from a man who goes out"}, {"start": 156.23, "end": 159.23, "text": "to bed alone with three dogs in a heating pad."}, {"start": 159.23, "end": 161.23, "text": "The dogs aren't angry."}, {"start": 161.23, "end": 163.23, "text": "They're just disappointed."}, {"start": 163.23, "end": 171.36, "text": "I got one."}, {"start": 171.36, "end": 173.36, "text": "Jesse's been engaged nine times."}, {"start": 173.36, "end": 174.36, "text": "He's not a groom."}, {"start": 174.36, "end": 175.36, "text": "He's a season pass."}, {"start": 175.36, "end": 177.36, "text": "The venue keeps refunding."}, {"start": 177.36, "end": 186.72, "text": "That's the show."}, {"start": 186.72, "end": 188.72, "text": "Nine tries, zero rings, that stuck."}, {"start": 188.72, "end": 191.72, "text": "And I'm still the expert because nobody knows how it falls apart"}, {"start": 191.72, "end": 193.72, "text": "better than the guy who did it nine times."}, {"start": 193.72, "end": 195.72, "text": "Laugh before the dark wins."}, {"start": 195.72, "end": 196.72, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 196.72, "end": 197.72, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 197.72, "end": 207.4, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 207.4, "end": 212.4, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour"}, {"start": 212.4, "end": 216.4, "text": "of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 216.4, "end": 220.4, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours,"}, {"start": 220.4, "end": 222.4, "text": "seven days a week."}, {"start": 222.4, "end": 225.4, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 225.4, "end": 227.4, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 227.4, "end": 230.4, "text": "Going through something so is he, always."}, {"start": 230.4, "end": 233.4, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 233.4, "end": 236.4, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 236.4, "end": 240.4, "text": "Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night"}, {"start": 240.4, "end": 244.4, "text": "because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 244.4, "end": 246.4, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 246.4, "end": 248.4, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. In a world where the least qualified man alive hands out marriage advice, Red Line presents Take Notes from the Guy in the Chair. Welcome, you hopeless romantics. I roast me first. Nine engagements, zero weddings. So naturally, I'm here to give you marriage advice. That's like talking swimming lessons from a guy who's only ever DRO WNED. Bring it. Hey Jesse! You're giving love advice like the Titanic doing a boat tour. Step one. See the iceberg. Step two. Propose to it with a ring pop. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit. Queen's Tank. Baby, your big tip is communicate. From a man who quit Uber by delighting the app at a red light, you don't communicate. You evaporate. Honey, nine fiances means nine women looked at forever with you and chose the unknown. Your advice should just be a warning label and an apology. Oh! Older than your house, healthier than your group chat. Grandpa's got no breaks. Pops! Kid, in my day you married once and suffered like a man. You suffered nine times and called it research. You're not a romantic. You're a scientist with a terrible lab. Real talk. Your tip never go to bed angry is rich from a man who goes out to bed alone with three dogs in a heating pad. The dogs aren't angry. They're just disappointed. I got one. Jesse's been engaged nine times. He's not a groom. He's a season pass. The venue keeps refunding. That's the show. Nine tries, zero rings, that stuck. And I'm still the expert because nobody knows how it falls apart better than the guy who did it nine times. Laugh before the dark wins. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}