{"file": "audio/vault/190_three_dogs_boss.mp3", "duration_sec": 248.5, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.14, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 34.98, "text": "In a world where one man answers to three bosses who don't pay him"}, {"start": 34.98, "end": 36.58, "text": "and lick themselves in meetings,"}, {"start": 36.58, "end": 39.58, "text": "Red Line presents The Dogs Run My Life."}, {"start": 39.58, "end": 46.5, "text": "Welcome, I roast me first."}, {"start": 46.5, "end": 48.7, "text": "I have three dogs and zero authority."}, {"start": 48.7, "end": 49.7, "text": "I don't own them."}, {"start": 49.7, "end": 52.3, "text": "I'm their unpaid intern with opposable thumbs."}, {"start": 52.3, "end": 54.7, "text": "They don't come when call, but my credit card does."}, {"start": 54.7, "end": 55.7, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 55.7, "end": 63.47, "text": "I just see those dogs got a better schedule,"}, {"start": 63.47, "end": 67.47, "text": "better meals, and a more consistent love life than you."}, {"start": 67.47, "end": 69.47, "text": "You're not a dog owner."}, {"start": 69.47, "end": 73.47, "text": "You're a hostage with a leash and a sleep schedule they approved."}, {"start": 74.47, "end": 83.74, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 83.74, "end": 90.9, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank."}, {"start": 90.9, "end": 93.9, "text": "Baby, you talk to those dogs in full sentences"}, {"start": 93.9, "end": 95.9, "text": "and wait for answers."}, {"start": 95.9, "end": 97.9, "text": "That's not companionship."}, {"start": 97.9, "end": 99.9, "text": "That's a one-man play with a three-dog audience"}, {"start": 99.9, "end": 102.9, "text": "that's only there for the SNACKs."}, {"start": 110.07, "end": 111.07, "text": "Southern Charm swamp venom."}, {"start": 111.07, "end": 113.07, "text": "She'll bless your heart and then stop it."}, {"start": 113.07, "end": 114.07, "text": "Sugar."}, {"start": 114.07, "end": 117.98, "text": "Bless your heart."}, {"start": 117.98, "end": 119.98, "text": "You put one in a college fund."}, {"start": 119.98, "end": 121.98, "text": "Sugar, that dog is gonna outturn you"}, {"start": 121.98, "end": 123.98, "text": "and still screen your calls."}, {"start": 123.98, "end": 132.53, "text": "Real talk, Jesse."}, {"start": 132.53, "end": 135.53, "text": "Three dependents, no tax break, no gratitude."}, {"start": 135.53, "end": 138.53, "text": "You're a single father whose kids will never move out"}, {"start": 138.53, "end": 141.53, "text": "and always judge your dating life."}, {"start": 148.34, "end": 150.34, "text": "Older than your house, filthier than your group chat."}, {"start": 150.34, "end": 152.34, "text": "Grandpa's got no breaks."}, {"start": 152.34, "end": 157.25, "text": "Pops!"}, {"start": 157.25, "end": 160.25, "text": "Kid, in my day a dog slept outside."}, {"start": 160.25, "end": 164.25, "text": "Yours sleep on the side of the bed where a wife used to be a possibility."}, {"start": 164.25, "end": 166.25, "text": "They didn't replace your ex."}, {"start": 166.25, "end": 167.25, "text": "They evicted her."}, {"start": 167.25, "end": 175.51, "text": "I got one."}, {"start": 175.51, "end": 178.51, "text": "Jesse's three dogs have heard you're the only ones who get me"}, {"start": 178.51, "end": 180.51, "text": "more than any human alive."}, {"start": 189.23, "end": 192.23, "text": "That's the show, three bosses, no paycheck, total devotion"}, {"start": 192.23, "end": 195.83, "text": "and laugh before the dark wins."}, {"start": 195.83, "end": 198.83, "text": "This is Red Line. Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 198.83, "end": 208.51, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 208.51, "end": 214.51, "text": "The red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day"}, {"start": 214.51, "end": 216.51, "text": "of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 216.51, "end": 221.51, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours,"}, {"start": 221.51, "end": 222.51, "text": "seven days a week."}, {"start": 222.51, "end": 225.51, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 225.51, "end": 227.51, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 227.51, "end": 231.51, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 231.51, "end": 233.51, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 233.51, "end": 237.51, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 237.51, "end": 241.51, "text": "Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night"}, {"start": 241.51, "end": 245.51, "text": "because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 245.51, "end": 248.51, "text": "Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. In a world where one man answers to three bosses who don't pay him and lick themselves in meetings, Red Line presents The Dogs Run My Life. Welcome, I roast me first. I have three dogs and zero authority. I don't own them. I'm their unpaid intern with opposable thumbs. They don't come when call, but my credit card does. Bring it. I just see those dogs got a better schedule, better meals, and a more consistent love life than you. You're not a dog owner. You're a hostage with a leash and a sleep schedule they approved. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank. Baby, you talk to those dogs in full sentences and wait for answers. That's not companionship. That's a one-man play with a three-dog audience that's only there for the SNACKs. Southern Charm swamp venom. She'll bless your heart and then stop it. Sugar. Bless your heart. You put one in a college fund. Sugar, that dog is gonna outturn you and still screen your calls. Real talk, Jesse. Three dependents, no tax break, no gratitude. You're a single father whose kids will never move out and always judge your dating life. Older than your house, filthier than your group chat. Grandpa's got no breaks. Pops! Kid, in my day a dog slept outside. Yours sleep on the side of the bed where a wife used to be a possibility. They didn't replace your ex. They evicted her. I got one. Jesse's three dogs have heard you're the only ones who get me more than any human alive. That's the show, three bosses, no paycheck, total devotion and laugh before the dark wins. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. The red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}