{"file": "audio/vault/188_man_upstairs_hold.mp3", "duration_sec": 258.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.14, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 36.75, "text": "In a world where one man treats his own life like a customer service call he can't get off,"}, {"start": 36.75, "end": 40.95, "text": "Red Line presents On Hold with the Man Upstairs."}, {"start": 40.95, "end": 48.01, "text": "Welcome you faithful degenerates."}, {"start": 48.01, "end": 49.01, "text": "I roast me first."}, {"start": 49.01, "end": 51.21, "text": "I pray like I'm on hold with the front office."}, {"start": 51.21, "end": 53.41, "text": "Yes, hi loyal customer, 50 years."}, {"start": 53.41, "end": 55.81, "text": "I'd like to speak to a supervisor about my account."}, {"start": 55.81, "end": 57.01, "text": "Still on hold."}, {"start": 57.01, "end": 60.61, "text": "The whole music is my dad's voice saying they're all the same."}, {"start": 60.61, "end": 61.61, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 61.61, "end": 71.14, "text": "I just see you been on hold with the universe for 50 years"}, {"start": 71.14, "end": 74.54, "text": "and never once got transferred to a human."}, {"start": 74.74, "end": 79.54, "text": "At this point, even the big guy upstairs is screening your calls."}, {"start": 88.09, "end": 90.09, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 90.09, "end": 96.79, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank."}, {"start": 96.79, "end": 99.79, "text": "Baby, you keep asking the heavens for a sign."}, {"start": 99.79, "end": 104.99, "text": "Honey, three dogs, no wife and a Tesla that won't drive you, that is the sign."}, {"start": 104.99, "end": 108.79, "text": "The universe TXTDU, you left it on Reed."}, {"start": 115.63, "end": 118.83, "text": "He brings the doom, the gloom and a voice from the bottom of the well."}, {"start": 118.83, "end": 124.41, "text": "Please welcome Graves."}, {"start": 124.41, "end": 128.61, "text": "Jesse, you asked for a guardian angel and got a check engine light."}, {"start": 128.61, "end": 130.61, "text": "The Man Upstairs didn't abandon you."}, {"start": 130.61, "end": 133.81, "text": "He put you on a really long hold to build character."}, {"start": 133.81, "end": 136.81, "text": "It's working slowly."}, {"start": 136.81, "end": 145.23, "text": "Real talk."}, {"start": 145.23, "end": 148.03, "text": "You've been requesting a manager from life since the 90s"}, {"start": 148.03, "end": 150.23, "text": "and every time the answer's the same recording,"}, {"start": 150.23, "end": 152.03, "text": "your call is important to us."}, {"start": 152.03, "end": 154.23, "text": "It's not, but it's funny."}, {"start": 154.23, "end": 162.98, "text": "Baby, you don't need a supervisor."}, {"start": 162.98, "end": 165.98, "text": "You need to stop calling the complaint line and start LIVIN."}, {"start": 165.98, "end": 167.98, "text": "But where's the comedy and peace?"}, {"start": 167.98, "end": 169.98, "text": "Stay broke, stay funny."}, {"start": 177.24, "end": 178.24, "text": "I got one."}, {"start": 178.24, "end": 180.84, "text": "Jesse's prayer and his wife I have the same problem."}, {"start": 180.84, "end": 181.84, "text": "Great connection."}, {"start": 181.84, "end": 183.84, "text": "Nobody answers."}, {"start": 191.56, "end": 194.56, "text": "That's the show 50 years on hold, still loyal, still waiting"}, {"start": 194.56, "end": 196.56, "text": "for a call back from the front office."}, {"start": 196.56, "end": 198.56, "text": "Till then I'll make the waiting room laugh."}, {"start": 198.56, "end": 200.36, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 200.36, "end": 201.56, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 201.56, "end": 202.56, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 202.56, "end": 213.24, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 213.24, "end": 217.24, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour"}, {"start": 217.24, "end": 221.24, "text": "of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 221.24, "end": 224.24, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 224.24, "end": 226.84, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 226.84, "end": 230.24, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 230.24, "end": 231.24, "text": "Can't sleep."}, {"start": 231.24, "end": 232.24, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 232.24, "end": 235.24, "text": "Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 235.24, "end": 238.24, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 238.24, "end": 241.24, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 241.24, "end": 245.24, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night."}, {"start": 245.24, "end": 249.24, "text": "Because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 249.24, "end": 250.24, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 250.24, "end": 252.24, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 252.24, "end": 253.24, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. In a world where one man treats his own life like a customer service call he can't get off, Red Line presents On Hold with the Man Upstairs. Welcome you faithful degenerates. I roast me first. I pray like I'm on hold with the front office. Yes, hi loyal customer, 50 years. I'd like to speak to a supervisor about my account. Still on hold. The whole music is my dad's voice saying they're all the same. Bring it. I just see you been on hold with the universe for 50 years and never once got transferred to a human. At this point, even the big guy upstairs is screening your calls. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank. Baby, you keep asking the heavens for a sign. Honey, three dogs, no wife and a Tesla that won't drive you, that is the sign. The universe TXTDU, you left it on Reed. He brings the doom, the gloom and a voice from the bottom of the well. Please welcome Graves. Jesse, you asked for a guardian angel and got a check engine light. The Man Upstairs didn't abandon you. He put you on a really long hold to build character. It's working slowly. Real talk. You've been requesting a manager from life since the 90s and every time the answer's the same recording, your call is important to us. It's not, but it's funny. Baby, you don't need a supervisor. You need to stop calling the complaint line and start LIVIN. But where's the comedy and peace? Stay broke, stay funny. I got one. Jesse's prayer and his wife I have the same problem. Great connection. Nobody answers. That's the show 50 years on hold, still loyal, still waiting for a call back from the front office. Till then I'll make the waiting room laugh. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep. We're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night. Because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}