{"file": "audio/vault/180_auto_20260626_8.mp3", "duration_sec": 235.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 18.94, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software,"}, {"start": 18.94, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 28.14, "text": "We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 34.84, "text": "Welcome to the Red Line tonight, the Daily Grind roast."}, {"start": 34.84, "end": 38.24, "text": "I roast me first. You set five alarms, hate all five,"}, {"start": 38.24, "end": 41.04, "text": "and negotiate with the first one like it betrayed you."}, {"start": 41.04, "end": 47.68, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 47.68, "end": 50.48, "text": "You named the dogs better than you named any relationship."}, {"start": 50.48, "end": 53.08, "text": "At least the dogs come when cold."}, {"start": 58.15, "end": 60.95, "text": "Glamour on the outside, switch plate on the inside,"}, {"start": 60.95, "end": 67.02, "text": "the diamond that cuts back, Ruby."}, {"start": 67.02, "end": 70.42, "text": "You're so broke your hand left you for someone with better Wi-Fi."}, {"start": 70.42, "end": 81.11, "text": "I just, you know, you went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets"}, {"start": 81.11, "end": 82.91, "text": "and called it a glow-up."}, {"start": 82.91, "end": 87.11, "text": "That's not a pivot. That's a flush. Forget about it."}, {"start": 90.11, "end": 96.22, "text": "Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits,"}, {"start": 96.22, "end": 98.82, "text": "the chaos Gremlin himself, Pixel."}, {"start": 98.82, "end": 107.24, "text": "You have 14,000 unread emails and a five alarm panic about a text from March."}, {"start": 107.24, "end": 114.08, "text": "All protein, one personality."}, {"start": 114.08, "end": 117.08, "text": "The Jim Bro who skipped leg day in therapy, skip."}, {"start": 117.08, "end": 123.55, "text": "You clean toilets all day and your own life's a biohazard."}, {"start": 123.55, "end": 125.35, "text": "Physician mopped by self."}, {"start": 125.35, "end": 135.42, "text": "Add decisions. You made a test regret."}, {"start": 135.42, "end": 145.98, "text": "She showed up late, loud, and somehow funnier than all of you."}, {"start": 145.98, "end": 152.5, "text": "The party that never RSVPs, Jess."}, {"start": 152.5, "end": 155.3, "text": "You bought a plant to feel responsible for something living."}, {"start": 155.3, "end": 163.68, "text": "It died. Same place you started but with proof."}, {"start": 163.68, "end": 167.48, "text": "I'm just the announcer, but you text you up at 2 a.m. to a number"}, {"start": 167.48, "end": 170.48, "text": "that's been disconnected since the Super Bowl."}, {"start": 170.48, "end": 176.21, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters."}, {"start": 176.21, "end": 177.81, "text": "Pain in paychecks out."}, {"start": 177.81, "end": 187.27, "text": "Laff before the dark winds, this is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 187.27, "end": 189.67, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 189.67, "end": 195.67, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day"}, {"start": 195.67, "end": 197.87, "text": "of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 197.87, "end": 203.47, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 203.47, "end": 206.87, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 206.87, "end": 209.07, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 209.07, "end": 212.47, "text": "Going through something, so is he always."}, {"start": 212.67, "end": 215.07, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 215.07, "end": 220.07, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 220.07, "end": 224.07, "text": "The Red Line Comedy Club open all night because somewhere out there"}, {"start": 224.07, "end": 226.47, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 226.47, "end": 229.07, "text": "Subscribe. He needs the attention."}, {"start": 229.07, "end": 230.07, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the Red Line tonight, the Daily Grind roast. I roast me first. You set five alarms, hate all five, and negotiate with the first one like it betrayed you. Bring it. You named the dogs better than you named any relationship. At least the dogs come when cold. Glamour on the outside, switch plate on the inside, the diamond that cuts back, Ruby. You're so broke your hand left you for someone with better Wi-Fi. I just, you know, you went from a cubicle to cleaning toilets and called it a glow-up. That's not a pivot. That's a flush. Forget about it. Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits, the chaos Gremlin himself, Pixel. You have 14,000 unread emails and a five alarm panic about a text from March. All protein, one personality. The Jim Bro who skipped leg day in therapy, skip. You clean toilets all day and your own life's a biohazard. Physician mopped by self. Add decisions. You made a test regret. She showed up late, loud, and somehow funnier than all of you. The party that never RSVPs, Jess. You bought a plant to feel responsible for something living. It died. Same place you started but with proof. I'm just the announcer, but you text you up at 2 a.m. to a number that's been disconnected since the Super Bowl. That's the show you beautiful disasters. Pain in paychecks out. Laff before the dark winds, this is Red Line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The Red Line Comedy Club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}