{"file": "audio/vault/17_kids_vs_no_kids.mp3", "duration_sec": 170.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.84, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 2.84, "end": 3.8, "text": "Adults only."}, {"start": 3.8, "end": 5.54, "text": "No kids, no mercy."}, {"start": 5.54, "end": 8.24, "text": "For 15 years, one show ruled comedy."}, {"start": 8.24, "end": 10.24, "text": "Tonight, we come for the crown."}, {"start": 10.24, "end": 13.88, "text": "This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer"}, {"start": 13.88, "end": 16.68, "text": "24 hours a day, seven days a week."}, {"start": 16.68, "end": 20.44, "text": "We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years."}, {"start": 20.44, "end": 24.12, "text": "Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh."}, {"start": 24.12, "end": 25.36, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 25.36, "end": 29.6, "text": "Tonight K-I-D-S versus No K-I-D-S, I'm team No Kids."}, {"start": 29.6, "end": 32.48, "text": "I got three dogs in a full night's sleep, which is two things"}, {"start": 32.48, "end": 34.88, "text": "no parent in this room will ever have again."}, {"start": 34.88, "end": 37.08, "text": "Parents come at me with your sticky hands."}, {"start": 37.08, "end": 42.57, "text": "Nana, you bred swing."}, {"start": 42.57, "end": 45.41, "text": "Jesse, no kids at 50, who's going to visit you in the home,"}, {"start": 45.41, "end": 48.29, "text": "your three dogs in a roomba, at least my kids have to pretend"}, {"start": 48.29, "end": 49.21, "text": "to like me."}, {"start": 49.21, "end": 59.96, "text": "Yours just leave."}, {"start": 59.96, "end": 63.44, "text": "Nana, you had four kids and three of them screen your calls."}, {"start": 63.44, "end": 64.8, "text": "You didn't raise a family."}, {"start": 64.8, "end": 73.38, "text": "You funded your own witness protection program."}, {"start": 73.38, "end": 75.66, "text": "I'm team No Kids and proud."}, {"start": 75.66, "end": 77.14, "text": "I sleep eight hours."}, {"start": 77.14, "end": 81.26, "text": "I got disposable income, and my house doesn't smell like a juice box"}, {"start": 81.26, "end": 86.3, "text": "died in the couch."}, {"start": 86.3, "end": 89.62, "text": "Queen, you don't have kids because the universe did the math."}, {"start": 89.62, "end": 92.62, "text": "Parenting is hard, but at least somebody's legally required"}, {"start": 92.62, "end": 93.58, "text": "to love me."}, {"start": 93.58, "end": 106.07, "text": "You, you're one bad year from being a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 106.07, "end": 108.51, "text": "I got kids and let me tell you, it's the only job"}, {"start": 108.51, "end": 110.95, "text": "where you give everything and your boss bites you."}, {"start": 110.95, "end": 114.11, "text": "Jesse, no kids, you dodged a bullet and a college fund."}, {"start": 114.11, "end": 126.23, "text": "You're not lonely, you're rich."}, {"start": 126.23, "end": 127.79, "text": "And that's the war, folks."}, {"start": 127.79, "end": 129.83, "text": "Kids, no kids, one of you is exhausted."}, {"start": 129.83, "end": 133.03, "text": "The others just alone, and we both lie about being happy."}, {"start": 133.03, "end": 135.31, "text": "Truth is, I got three dogs instead of kids,"}, {"start": 135.31, "end": 138.55, "text": "and not one of them is going to grow up to resent me on a podcast."}, {"start": 138.55, "end": 140.39, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh."}, {"start": 140.39, "end": 148.74, "text": "This is Red Line, Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 148.74, "end": 150.02, "text": "That's our show."}, {"start": 150.02, "end": 151.26, "text": "But we never stop."}, {"start": 151.26, "end": 155.86, "text": "New comedy 24-7 and a two-hour Kill Jesse special four times a month."}, {"start": 155.86, "end": 159.02, "text": "We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days."}, {"start": 159.02, "end": 161.06, "text": "So come back tomorrow and the day after,"}, {"start": 161.06, "end": 163.86, "text": "because at Red Line, the carnival never closes."}, {"start": 163.86, "end": 166.74, "text": "Subscribe, share, and tell your filthiest friend."}, {"start": 166.74, "end": 168.46, "text": "This is bombed.app."}, {"start": 168.46, "end": 170.3, "text": "Good night and stay unhinged."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLadies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club. Adults only. No kids, no mercy. For 15 years, one show ruled comedy. Tonight, we come for the crown. This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years. Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh. Jesse. Tonight K-I-D-S versus No K-I-D-S, I'm team No Kids. I got three dogs in a full night's sleep, which is two things no parent in this room will ever have again. Parents come at me with your sticky hands. Nana, you bred swing. Jesse, no kids at 50, who's going to visit you in the home, your three dogs in a roomba, at least my kids have to pretend to like me. Yours just leave. Nana, you had four kids and three of them screen your calls. You didn't raise a family. You funded your own witness protection program. I'm team No Kids and proud. I sleep eight hours. I got disposable income, and my house doesn't smell like a juice box died in the couch. Queen, you don't have kids because the universe did the math. Parenting is hard, but at least somebody's legally required to love me. You, you're one bad year from being a cautionary tale. I got kids and let me tell you, it's the only job where you give everything and your boss bites you. Jesse, no kids, you dodged a bullet and a college fund. You're not lonely, you're rich. And that's the war, folks. Kids, no kids, one of you is exhausted. The others just alone, and we both lie about being happy. Truth is, I got three dogs instead of kids, and not one of them is going to grow up to resent me on a podcast. The hero gets the last laugh. This is Red Line, Kill Jesse. That's our show. But we never stop. New comedy 24-7 and a two-hour Kill Jesse special four times a month. We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days. So come back tomorrow and the day after, because at Red Line, the carnival never closes. Subscribe, share, and tell your filthiest friend. This is bombed.app. Good night and stay unhinged.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}