{"file": "audio/vault/175_auto_20260626_3.mp3", "duration_sec": 235.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 18.94, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software,"}, {"start": 18.94, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.24, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.24, "end": 33.07, "text": "Welcome to the Red Line."}, {"start": 33.07, "end": 34.87, "text": "Tonight, bad habits we all have."}, {"start": 34.87, "end": 36.07, "text": "I roast me first."}, {"start": 36.17, "end": 38.87, "text": "You name the dogs better than you named any relationship."}, {"start": 38.87, "end": 40.97, "text": "At least the dogs come when called."}, {"start": 40.97, "end": 47.39, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 47.39, "end": 48.89, "text": "He's not a real doctor,"}, {"start": 48.89, "end": 51.29, "text": "but neither was the guy who did your tattoos."}, {"start": 51.29, "end": 52.79, "text": "The roast physician is in."}, {"start": 52.79, "end": 57.43, "text": "Doc Burn."}, {"start": 57.43, "end": 61.93, "text": "You stand in the kitchen at two and making eye contact with the fridge like you're in love."}, {"start": 70.2, "end": 72.2, "text": "You asked an AI for therapy."}, {"start": 72.2, "end": 75.1, "text": "That thing's the only relationship where you can't get dumped."}, {"start": 75.1, "end": 77.1, "text": "Only hit your monthly limit."}, {"start": 81.6, "end": 84.4, "text": "I just see you clean toilets all day,"}, {"start": 84.4, "end": 87.4, "text": "and your own life sub bio has a physician."}, {"start": 87.4, "end": 88.4, "text": "Mop thyself."}, {"start": 88.4, "end": 89.9, "text": "Forget about it."}, {"start": 95.44, "end": 96.24, "text": "Next to the mic,"}, {"start": 96.24, "end": 98.94, "text": "a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 98.94, "end": 100.44, "text": "You're every man of error."}, {"start": 100.44, "end": 101.44, "text": "Mickey."}, {"start": 101.44, "end": 107.2, "text": "You bought a Tesla in 2018,"}, {"start": 107.2, "end": 110.2, "text": "because they said it'd drive your customers without you."}, {"start": 110.2, "end": 112.2, "text": "The car ghosted you, too."}, {"start": 113.2, "end": 119.67, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here."}, {"start": 119.67, "end": 122.67, "text": "The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew."}, {"start": 122.67, "end": 126.71, "text": "Trip."}, {"start": 126.71, "end": 128.71, "text": "Three dogs, no wife, no kids."}, {"start": 128.71, "end": 129.71, "text": "You didn't build a family."}, {"start": 129.71, "end": 131.71, "text": "You built a petting zoo with a mortgage."}, {"start": 131.71, "end": 143.32, "text": "To feel responsible for something living."}, {"start": 143.32, "end": 147.84, "text": "Same place you started,"}, {"start": 147.84, "end": 149.84, "text": "but with proof."}, {"start": 149.84, "end": 156.15, "text": "You don't make bad decisions."}, {"start": 156.15, "end": 158.15, "text": "You beat a test regret."}, {"start": 158.15, "end": 160.15, "text": "You."}, {"start": 163.2, "end": 164.3, "text": "I'm just the announcer,"}, {"start": 164.3, "end": 167.2, "text": "but you have 14,000 unread emails"}, {"start": 167.2, "end": 170.0, "text": "in a five alarm panic about a text from March."}, {"start": 174.49, "end": 176.49, "text": "That's the show you beautiful disasters."}, {"start": 176.49, "end": 177.99, "text": "Pain in paychecks out."}, {"start": 177.99, "end": 179.29, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 179.29, "end": 187.56, "text": "This is Red Line, Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 187.56, "end": 189.96, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 189.96, "end": 194.16, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour"}, {"start": 194.16, "end": 198.16, "text": "of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 198.16, "end": 201.26, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 201.26, "end": 203.76, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 203.76, "end": 207.26, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 207.26, "end": 208.36, "text": "Can't sleep."}, {"start": 208.36, "end": 209.36, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 209.36, "end": 210.66, "text": "Going through something?"}, {"start": 210.66, "end": 211.76, "text": "So is he."}, {"start": 211.76, "end": 212.76, "text": "Always."}, {"start": 212.76, "end": 215.16, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 215.16, "end": 218.66, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 218.66, "end": 220.16, "text": "Before the dark winds,"}, {"start": 220.16, "end": 222.76, "text": "the Red Line Comedy Club open all night."}, {"start": 222.76, "end": 226.66, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 226.66, "end": 227.66, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 227.66, "end": 229.16, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 229.16, "end": 230.16, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the Red Line. Tonight, bad habits we all have. I roast me first. You name the dogs better than you named any relationship. At least the dogs come when called. Bring it. He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos. The roast physician is in. Doc Burn. You stand in the kitchen at two and making eye contact with the fridge like you're in love. You asked an AI for therapy. That thing's the only relationship where you can't get dumped. Only hit your monthly limit. I just see you clean toilets all day, and your own life sub bio has a physician. Mop thyself. Forget about it. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. You're every man of error. Mickey. You bought a Tesla in 2018, because they said it'd drive your customers without you. The car ghosted you, too. He optimized his entire life and ended up here. The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew. Trip. Three dogs, no wife, no kids. You didn't build a family. You built a petting zoo with a mortgage. To feel responsible for something living. Same place you started, but with proof. You don't make bad decisions. You beat a test regret. You. I'm just the announcer, but you have 14,000 unread emails in a five alarm panic about a text from March. That's the show you beautiful disasters. Pain in paychecks out. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line, Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep. We're up. Going through something? So is he. Always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}