{"file": "audio/vault/16_dogs_vs_cats.mp3", "duration_sec": 171.5, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.84, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 2.84, "end": 3.8, "text": "Adults only."}, {"start": 3.8, "end": 5.54, "text": "No kids, no mercy."}, {"start": 5.54, "end": 8.24, "text": "For 15 years, one show ruled comedy."}, {"start": 8.24, "end": 10.24, "text": "Tonight, we come for the crown."}, {"start": 10.24, "end": 13.88, "text": "This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer,"}, {"start": 13.88, "end": 16.68, "text": "24 hours a day, seven days a week."}, {"start": 16.68, "end": 20.44, "text": "We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years."}, {"start": 20.44, "end": 24.12, "text": "Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh."}, {"start": 24.12, "end": 25.36, "text": "Jesse!"}, {"start": 25.36, "end": 29.32, "text": "Tonight, the eternal rivalry, D-O-G-S versus C-A-T-S."}, {"start": 29.32, "end": 31.96, "text": "I got three dogs so you know where I stand."}, {"start": 31.96, "end": 36.48, "text": "My dogs love me unconditionally mostly because they can't read my bank statement."}, {"start": 36.48, "end": 38.2, "text": "Cat people come scratch."}, {"start": 38.2, "end": 44.73, "text": "Queen's tank, you're a cat lady, defend yourself."}, {"start": 44.73, "end": 46.41, "text": "Jesse, three dogs?"}, {"start": 46.41, "end": 47.57, "text": "That's not love."}, {"start": 47.57, "end": 50.41, "text": "That's three witnesses who can't testify."}, {"start": 50.41, "end": 52.13, "text": "Cats are independent."}, {"start": 52.13, "end": 65.4, "text": "Dogs are just meaty roommates who lick themselves and call itself care."}, {"start": 65.4, "end": 66.96, "text": "Queen, a cat doesn't love you."}, {"start": 66.96, "end": 69.72, "text": "It tolerates you until the can open her dies."}, {"start": 69.72, "end": 70.72, "text": "You don't have a pet."}, {"start": 70.72, "end": 78.92, "text": "You have a tiny landlord who hates you."}, {"start": 78.92, "end": 80.32, "text": "I'm team dog."}, {"start": 80.32, "end": 83.12, "text": "A dog greets you like you came back from war."}, {"start": 83.12, "end": 89.21, "text": "A cat greets you like you owe it money."}, {"start": 89.21, "end": 90.53, "text": "Mickey, dogs are dumb."}, {"start": 90.53, "end": 92.05, "text": "You throw a ball, they bring it back."}, {"start": 92.05, "end": 93.05, "text": "That's not loyalty."}, {"start": 93.05, "end": 95.45, "text": "That's a learning disability with a tail."}, {"start": 95.45, "end": 105.18, "text": "My cat ignores me, which is the most honest relationship I've got."}, {"start": 105.18, "end": 108.98, "text": "In my neighborhood, we had one cat and it ran more rackets than I did."}, {"start": 108.98, "end": 112.74, "text": "Jesse, your three dogs are the only family that never left."}, {"start": 112.74, "end": 114.74, "text": "So really you didn't pick dogs."}, {"start": 114.74, "end": 126.85, "text": "Dogs were just too loyal to no better."}, {"start": 126.85, "end": 128.85, "text": "And that's the rivalry folks."}, {"start": 128.85, "end": 132.73, "text": "Dogs, cats, one loves you too much, the other not enough, which is just my entire dating"}, {"start": 132.73, "end": 134.37, "text": "history with fur."}, {"start": 134.37, "end": 138.65, "text": "Truth is my three dogs are the longest relationship I've ever had and not one of them has asked"}, {"start": 138.65, "end": 139.85, "text": "for a ring."}, {"start": 139.85, "end": 141.69, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh."}, {"start": 141.69, "end": 150.0, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 150.0, "end": 151.0, "text": "That's our show."}, {"start": 151.0, "end": 152.52, "text": "But we never stop."}, {"start": 152.52, "end": 157.04, "text": "New comedy 24-7 and a two-hour kill Jesse special four times a month."}, {"start": 157.04, "end": 160.2, "text": "We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days."}, {"start": 160.2, "end": 165.16, "text": "So come back tomorrow and the day after because at Red Line, the carnival never closes."}, {"start": 165.16, "end": 168.0, "text": "Subscribe, share and tell your filthiest friend."}, {"start": 168.0, "end": 169.0, "text": "This is bombed.app."}, {"start": 169.0, "end": 171.16, "text": "Good night and stay unhinged."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLadies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club. Adults only. No kids, no mercy. For 15 years, one show ruled comedy. Tonight, we come for the crown. This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years. Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh. Jesse! Tonight, the eternal rivalry, D-O-G-S versus C-A-T-S. I got three dogs so you know where I stand. My dogs love me unconditionally mostly because they can't read my bank statement. Cat people come scratch. Queen's tank, you're a cat lady, defend yourself. Jesse, three dogs? That's not love. That's three witnesses who can't testify. Cats are independent. Dogs are just meaty roommates who lick themselves and call itself care. Queen, a cat doesn't love you. It tolerates you until the can open her dies. You don't have a pet. You have a tiny landlord who hates you. I'm team dog. A dog greets you like you came back from war. A cat greets you like you owe it money. Mickey, dogs are dumb. You throw a ball, they bring it back. That's not loyalty. That's a learning disability with a tail. My cat ignores me, which is the most honest relationship I've got. In my neighborhood, we had one cat and it ran more rackets than I did. Jesse, your three dogs are the only family that never left. So really you didn't pick dogs. Dogs were just too loyal to no better. And that's the rivalry folks. Dogs, cats, one loves you too much, the other not enough, which is just my entire dating history with fur. Truth is my three dogs are the longest relationship I've ever had and not one of them has asked for a ring. The hero gets the last laugh. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. That's our show. But we never stop. New comedy 24-7 and a two-hour kill Jesse special four times a month. We are beating 15 years of comedy in less than 60 days. So come back tomorrow and the day after because at Red Line, the carnival never closes. Subscribe, share and tell your filthiest friend. This is bombed.app. Good night and stay unhinged.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}