{"file": "audio/vault/169_colors_kid_never_had.mp3", "duration_sec": 270.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 31.42, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 31.42, "end": 34.62, "text": "Colors of my pain, tonight, the kid he never had,"}, {"start": 34.62, "end": 39.62, "text": "the vasectomy that killed the consequences and a man raising three dogs like a single father."}, {"start": 39.62, "end": 46.48, "text": "Welcome, I roast me first."}, {"start": 46.48, "end": 49.48, "text": "I got a vasectomy to kill the consequences."}, {"start": 49.48, "end": 54.48, "text": "Mission accomplished, no kids, no legacy, just three dogs who think I'm their weird roommate."}, {"start": 54.48, "end": 60.31, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 60.31, "end": 63.31, "text": "I just see your child prove nothing."}, {"start": 63.31, "end": 65.31, "text": "You proved against children."}, {"start": 65.31, "end": 68.31, "text": "Most guys baby proof the cabinets."}, {"start": 68.31, "end": 70.31, "text": "You baby proofed your whole bloodline."}, {"start": 70.31, "end": 81.86, "text": "Baby, you call those dogs your kids?"}, {"start": 81.86, "end": 86.86, "text": "One of them is in a college fun and the other two are in a beading school because they don't respect you."}, {"start": 86.86, "end": 91.86, "text": "Honey, that's just parenting with fur and zero gratitude."}, {"start": 91.86, "end": 100.64, "text": "You wanted to kill the consequences, Jesse."}, {"start": 100.64, "end": 102.64, "text": "Well, congratulations."}, {"start": 102.64, "end": 108.64, "text": "There's nobody to inherit the empire, nobody to bury you, and nobody to blame it on but you."}, {"start": 109.64, "end": 111.64, "text": "You didn't dodge fatherhood."}, {"start": 111.64, "end": 114.64, "text": "You dodged the only people legally required to visit."}, {"start": 114.64, "end": 116.64, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 116.64, "end": 127.38, "text": "Real talk, Jesse."}, {"start": 127.38, "end": 131.38, "text": "You say you didn't want kids because you didn't want to mess them up like your dad messed you up."}, {"start": 131.38, "end": 133.38, "text": "So you broke the cycle by ending it."}, {"start": 133.38, "end": 136.38, "text": "That's either the saddest or the most responsible thing in this whole show."}, {"start": 140.38, "end": 145.74, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 145.74, "end": 147.74, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit."}, {"start": 147.74, "end": 153.0, "text": "Queen's tank."}, {"start": 153.0, "end": 158.0, "text": "Baby married with kids Jesse is at a recital right now, dead behind the eyes."}, {"start": 158.0, "end": 161.0, "text": "You're at a comedy club at midnight talking to robots."}, {"start": 161.0, "end": 165.0, "text": "Neither of y'all is women, but at least your kids can't text you."}, {"start": 165.0, "end": 167.0, "text": "You need to talk."}, {"start": 171.0, "end": 176.88, "text": "The dogs do give me the silent treatment though."}, {"start": 176.88, "end": 182.52, "text": "I got one."}, {"start": 182.52, "end": 186.52, "text": "Jesse's legacy is three dogs and 160 comedy shows."}, {"start": 186.52, "end": 189.52, "text": "The dogs can't read them and the shows can't fetch."}, {"start": 189.52, "end": 197.26, "text": "That's the color folks."}, {"start": 197.26, "end": 200.26, "text": "No kids, no consequences, no little version of me to disappoint."}, {"start": 200.26, "end": 204.26, "text": "Maybe I broke the cycle, maybe I just ended my own story early,"}, {"start": 204.26, "end": 205.26, "text": "but the dogs love me."}, {"start": 205.26, "end": 210.26, "text": "The jokes are mine and nobody's gonna grow up to write a book called Colors of M.Y."}, {"start": 210.26, "end": 211.26, "text": "Pain."}, {"start": 211.26, "end": 212.26, "text": "Laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 212.26, "end": 213.26, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 213.26, "end": 214.26, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 214.26, "end": 224.94, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 224.94, "end": 230.94, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 230.94, "end": 232.94, "text": "A brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 232.94, "end": 238.94, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 238.94, "end": 241.94, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 241.94, "end": 243.94, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 243.94, "end": 247.94, "text": "Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 247.94, "end": 249.94, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 249.94, "end": 253.94, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 253.94, "end": 257.94, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club open all night."}, {"start": 257.94, "end": 261.94, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 261.94, "end": 263.94, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 263.94, "end": 264.94, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Colors of my pain, tonight, the kid he never had, the vasectomy that killed the consequences and a man raising three dogs like a single father. Welcome, I roast me first. I got a vasectomy to kill the consequences. Mission accomplished, no kids, no legacy, just three dogs who think I'm their weird roommate. Bring it. I just see your child prove nothing. You proved against children. Most guys baby proof the cabinets. You baby proofed your whole bloodline. Baby, you call those dogs your kids? One of them is in a college fun and the other two are in a beading school because they don't respect you. Honey, that's just parenting with fur and zero gratitude. You wanted to kill the consequences, Jesse. Well, congratulations. There's nobody to inherit the empire, nobody to bury you, and nobody to blame it on but you. You didn't dodge fatherhood. You dodged the only people legally required to visit. Oh. Real talk, Jesse. You say you didn't want kids because you didn't want to mess them up like your dad messed you up. So you broke the cycle by ending it. That's either the saddest or the most responsible thing in this whole show. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit. Queen's tank. Baby married with kids Jesse is at a recital right now, dead behind the eyes. You're at a comedy club at midnight talking to robots. Neither of y'all is women, but at least your kids can't text you. You need to talk. The dogs do give me the silent treatment though. I got one. Jesse's legacy is three dogs and 160 comedy shows. The dogs can't read them and the shows can't fetch. That's the color folks. No kids, no consequences, no little version of me to disappoint. Maybe I broke the cycle, maybe I just ended my own story early, but the dogs love me. The jokes are mine and nobody's gonna grow up to write a book called Colors of M.Y. Pain. Laugh before the dark winds. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}