{"file": "audio/vault/166_help_wanted_squad.mp3", "duration_sec": 282.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 11.14, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.14, "end": 19.14, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 28.14, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale, this is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 42.41, "text": "Help Wanted, the Red Line Comedy Club is hiring the funniest, filthiest, most unhinged comics alive to join Jesse Squad and battle in teams. Benefits, none."}, {"start": 42.41, "end": 51.56, "text": "Pay, exposure and emotional damage. Apply now."}, {"start": 51.56, "end": 65.56, "text": "Welcome to Tryouts, you desperate degenerates. I'm building my squad in two teams for roast battles. Impress me. I roast me first. I'm a 50-year-old broke man hiring for a job that doesn't pay so I'm basically every startup in America."}, {"start": 65.56, "end": 83.36, "text": "Audition. I, my application, I roast so hard my last open mic ended in a moment of silence. For the guy I roasted, he's fine. He just left comedy and the state."}, {"start": 83.36, "end": 102.29, "text": "Be higher me. I already won best of the best I got a feature and I roasted your whole life for free. At this point, I don't want a job, I want equity."}, {"start": 102.29, "end": 115.61, "text": "Put me on the squad, Jesse. I'm from Brooklyn. I don't do constructive feedback. I do consequences. Higher me before I hire myself."}, {"start": 118.61, "end": 129.31, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit. Queen Stank."}, {"start": 129.31, "end": 139.31, "text": "Honey, I'm overqualified. I roast, I glam, and I do my own hair. You can't afford me but neither can anyone else so let's both pretend this is happening."}, {"start": 140.31, "end": 154.63, "text": "Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits, the chaos Gremlin himself, Pixel!"}, {"start": 154.63, "end": 163.63, "text": "Higher me bro, I bring the Gen Z demo and a chaotic energy that legally can't be insured. Reference is available, none of them will answer."}, {"start": 169.08, "end": 179.08, "text": "You're all hired, nobody's paid. Now TEMS. Team East Benny Tony Anti, Team West, Queen Stank Pixel and the Bench. Trailer guys set the battle."}, {"start": 179.08, "end": 196.28, "text": "It's official, Jesse Squad is assembled. Two teams, no mercy, roast battles every week. The only thing they agree on is destroying the man who hired them."}, {"start": 200.83, "end": 206.83, "text": "Welcome to the team everybody. First order of business, a unanimous vote. We roast the boss. All in favor?"}, {"start": 214.14, "end": 220.14, "text": "Motion passes of course it does. That's help wanted squad assembled. Teams locked and the boss is the first target."}, {"start": 220.14, "end": 226.14, "text": "Come audition for your spot. Lack before the dark wins. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 234.85, "end": 243.85, "text": "And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 244.85, "end": 255.85, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 255.85, "end": 268.85, "text": "Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins. The Red Line Comedy Club open all night."}, {"start": 269.85, "end": 275.85, "text": "Because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale, this is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Help Wanted, the Red Line Comedy Club is hiring the funniest, filthiest, most unhinged comics alive to join Jesse Squad and battle in teams. Benefits, none. Pay, exposure and emotional damage. Apply now. Welcome to Tryouts, you desperate degenerates. I'm building my squad in two teams for roast battles. Impress me. I roast me first. I'm a 50-year-old broke man hiring for a job that doesn't pay so I'm basically every startup in America. Audition. I, my application, I roast so hard my last open mic ended in a moment of silence. For the guy I roasted, he's fine. He just left comedy and the state. Be higher me. I already won best of the best I got a feature and I roasted your whole life for free. At this point, I don't want a job, I want equity. Put me on the squad, Jesse. I'm from Brooklyn. I don't do constructive feedback. I do consequences. Higher me before I hire myself. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit. Queen Stank. Honey, I'm overqualified. I roast, I glam, and I do my own hair. You can't afford me but neither can anyone else so let's both pretend this is happening. Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits, the chaos Gremlin himself, Pixel! Higher me bro, I bring the Gen Z demo and a chaotic energy that legally can't be insured. Reference is available, none of them will answer. You're all hired, nobody's paid. Now TEMS. Team East Benny Tony Anti, Team West, Queen Stank Pixel and the Bench. Trailer guys set the battle. It's official, Jesse Squad is assembled. Two teams, no mercy, roast battles every week. The only thing they agree on is destroying the man who hired them. Welcome to the team everybody. First order of business, a unanimous vote. We roast the boss. All in favor? Motion passes of course it does. That's help wanted squad assembled. Teams locked and the boss is the first target. Come audition for your spot. Lack before the dark wins. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins. The Red Line Comedy Club open all night. Because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}