{"file": "audio/vault/165_best_of_the_best.mp3", "duration_sec": 325.8, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.14, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 34.18, "text": "Welcome to Red Line's Best of the Best."}, {"start": 34.18, "end": 37.18, "text": "Tonight, the comics bring their funniest shot."}, {"start": 37.18, "end": 42.18, "text": "And the one who kills hardest gets their name called and earns the feature stand-up show."}, {"start": 42.18, "end": 44.18, "text": "Winner takes the spotlight."}, {"start": 44.18, "end": 52.02, "text": "Losers take the L. Let's go!"}, {"start": 52.02, "end": 54.02, "text": "Welcome you hungry animals."}, {"start": 54.02, "end": 56.02, "text": "One rule, bring your best joke or go home."}, {"start": 56.02, "end": 57.02, "text": "I roast me first."}, {"start": 57.02, "end": 60.02, "text": "I'm a 50-year-old judge of comedy who peaked it available."}, {"start": 60.02, "end": 63.02, "text": "Now show me something funny."}, {"start": 63.02, "end": 71.62, "text": "I'm playing my best shot."}, {"start": 71.62, "end": 74.62, "text": "I told my therapist I have abandonment issues."}, {"start": 74.62, "end": 77.62, "text": "He said, we'll pick this up next week."}, {"start": 77.62, "end": 79.62, "text": "Then he moved."}, {"start": 79.62, "end": 81.62, "text": "No forwarding address."}, {"start": 81.62, "end": 85.62, "text": "That's the most committed anyone's ever been to leaving me."}, {"start": 85.62, "end": 94.21, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 94.21, "end": 96.21, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit."}, {"start": 96.21, "end": 98.21, "text": "Queen's tank!"}, {"start": 98.21, "end": 102.22, "text": "Baby, here's mine."}, {"start": 102.22, "end": 104.22, "text": "I'm not saying I'm high maintenance."}, {"start": 104.22, "end": 106.22, "text": "I'm saying I'm worth the upkeep."}, {"start": 106.22, "end": 109.22, "text": "The difference is whether you can afford me"}, {"start": 109.22, "end": 112.22, "text": "and honey Jesse's card got declined at the door."}, {"start": 112.22, "end": 122.53, "text": "Older than your house, filthier than your group chat,"}, {"start": 122.53, "end": 124.53, "text": "grandpa's got no breaks."}, {"start": 124.53, "end": 125.53, "text": "Pops!"}, {"start": 125.53, "end": 132.47, "text": "My best one kid at my age, safe sex,"}, {"start": 132.47, "end": 136.47, "text": "means making sure nobody's behind me when I stand up too fast."}, {"start": 136.47, "end": 140.47, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 140.47, "end": 144.3, "text": "We are not."}, {"start": 144.3, "end": 145.3, "text": "Here's mine, baby."}, {"start": 145.3, "end": 148.3, "text": "I went on a diet and a budget the same week."}, {"start": 148.3, "end": 150.3, "text": "Now I'm broke and hungry,"}, {"start": 150.3, "end": 152.3, "text": "so I just stand in the kitchen at 2 a.m."}, {"start": 152.3, "end": 155.3, "text": "making eye contact with the fridge like we're in love."}, {"start": 155.3, "end": 164.7, "text": "Raised by Wi-Fi and Rage Quits,"}, {"start": 164.7, "end": 170.58, "text": "the chaos Gremlin himself, Pixel!"}, {"start": 170.58, "end": 173.58, "text": "Okay, my best, I have 14,000 unread emails"}, {"start": 173.58, "end": 177.58, "text": "and a five alarm anxiety about a text I haven't answered since March."}, {"start": 177.58, "end": 182.58, "text": "I'm not lazy, I'm just emotionally on airplane mode."}, {"start": 182.58, "end": 193.23, "text": "He brings the doom, the gloom, and a voice from the bottom of a well."}, {"start": 193.23, "end": 195.23, "text": "Please welcome, Graves!"}, {"start": 195.23, "end": 202.14, "text": "Mine, I bought a plant to feel responsible for something living."}, {"start": 202.14, "end": 207.14, "text": "It died, so now I'm exactly where I started but with proof."}, {"start": 207.14, "end": 218.09, "text": "These are all killing, trailer guy who's the best of the best."}, {"start": 218.09, "end": 224.73, "text": "The judges have spoken, it was close,"}, {"start": 224.73, "end": 228.73, "text": "but the one who made the whole room and the broke host lose it tonight."}, {"start": 228.73, "end": 232.73, "text": "The new red line feature headliner is Antino Filter."}, {"start": 232.73, "end": 246.68, "text": "Baby, I'd like to thank my haters, my high blood pressure,"}, {"start": 246.68, "end": 249.68, "text": "and Jesse's terrible life for the material."}, {"start": 249.68, "end": 251.68, "text": "See you at the feature!"}, {"start": 251.68, "end": 253.68, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 253.68, "end": 258.56, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 258.56, "end": 260.56, "text": "Antie takes the crown and the feature spot."}, {"start": 260.56, "end": 263.56, "text": "That's best of the best, bring your funniest or stay on the bench."}, {"start": 263.56, "end": 265.56, "text": "Come back and take your shot at the title."}, {"start": 265.56, "end": 269.56, "text": "Last before the dark wins, this is Red Line, Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 269.56, "end": 280.21, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 280.21, "end": 286.21, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 286.21, "end": 291.21, "text": "A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 291.21, "end": 297.21, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 297.21, "end": 299.21, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 299.21, "end": 303.21, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 303.21, "end": 305.21, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 305.21, "end": 309.21, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 309.21, "end": 313.21, "text": "Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night."}, {"start": 313.21, "end": 317.21, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 317.21, "end": 319.21, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 319.21, "end": 320.21, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to Red Line's Best of the Best. Tonight, the comics bring their funniest shot. And the one who kills hardest gets their name called and earns the feature stand-up show. Winner takes the spotlight. Losers take the L. Let's go! Welcome you hungry animals. One rule, bring your best joke or go home. I roast me first. I'm a 50-year-old judge of comedy who peaked it available. Now show me something funny. I'm playing my best shot. I told my therapist I have abandonment issues. He said, we'll pick this up next week. Then he moved. No forwarding address. That's the most committed anyone's ever been to leaving me. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit. Queen's tank! Baby, here's mine. I'm not saying I'm high maintenance. I'm saying I'm worth the upkeep. The difference is whether you can afford me and honey Jesse's card got declined at the door. Older than your house, filthier than your group chat, grandpa's got no breaks. Pops! My best one kid at my age, safe sex, means making sure nobody's behind me when I stand up too fast. Oh! We are not. Here's mine, baby. I went on a diet and a budget the same week. Now I'm broke and hungry, so I just stand in the kitchen at 2 a.m. making eye contact with the fridge like we're in love. Raised by Wi-Fi and Rage Quits, the chaos Gremlin himself, Pixel! Okay, my best, I have 14,000 unread emails and a five alarm anxiety about a text I haven't answered since March. I'm not lazy, I'm just emotionally on airplane mode. He brings the doom, the gloom, and a voice from the bottom of a well. Please welcome, Graves! Mine, I bought a plant to feel responsible for something living. It died, so now I'm exactly where I started but with proof. These are all killing, trailer guy who's the best of the best. The judges have spoken, it was close, but the one who made the whole room and the broke host lose it tonight. The new red line feature headliner is Antino Filter. Baby, I'd like to thank my haters, my high blood pressure, and Jesse's terrible life for the material. See you at the feature! Oh! Oh! Antie takes the crown and the feature spot. That's best of the best, bring your funniest or stay on the bench. Come back and take your shot at the title. Last before the dark wins, this is Red Line, Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}