{"file": "audio/vault/163_broke_single_fifty_sex.mp3", "duration_sec": 272.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.14, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 35.22, "text": "In a world where romance costs money he doesn't have,"}, {"start": 35.42, "end": 39.02, "text": "where the only thing getting screwed is his credit score."}, {"start": 39.02, "end": 43.02, "text": "Red Line presents, broke, single, and 50."}, {"start": 43.02, "end": 44.62, "text": "Adults only."}, {"start": 44.62, "end": 52.5, "text": "Bring tissues for the crying."}, {"start": 52.5, "end": 54.1, "text": "Welcome, you lonely degenerates."}, {"start": 54.1, "end": 55.1, "text": "I roast me first."}, {"start": 55.1, "end": 56.5, "text": "I'm 50 broke, single."}, {"start": 56.5, "end": 57.3, "text": "I'm not celibate."}, {"start": 57.3, "end": 58.3, "text": "I'm budgeting."}, {"start": 58.3, "end": 61.1, "text": "The only late night action I get is a late fee."}, {"start": 61.1, "end": 66.78, "text": "Bring it."}, {"start": 66.78, "end": 68.98, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 68.98, "end": 70.98, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit."}, {"start": 70.98, "end": 75.82, "text": "Queen's stank."}, {"start": 75.82, "end": 78.82, "text": "Baby, you say you don't have time for romance."}, {"start": 78.82, "end": 82.42, "text": "Honey, you don't have time, money, or a second pillow."}, {"start": 82.42, "end": 86.42, "text": "The only thing in your bed at night is a heating pad and a payment plan."}, {"start": 93.55, "end": 96.35, "text": "Older than your house, healthier than your group chat."}, {"start": 96.35, "end": 98.15, "text": "Grandpa's got no breaks."}, {"start": 98.15, "end": 102.5, "text": "Pops!"}, {"start": 102.5, "end": 104.1, "text": "Kid at 50 broke."}, {"start": 104.1, "end": 108.3, "text": "The libido and the bank account agree on one thing, not tonight."}, {"start": 108.3, "end": 110.3, "text": "Your body's like the W-I-F-I."}, {"start": 110.3, "end": 121.73, "text": "It works, but only if you don't ask too much of it."}, {"start": 121.73, "end": 123.93, "text": "I just do a meal."}, {"start": 123.93, "end": 126.93, "text": "You can't afford dinner and disappointment."}, {"start": 126.93, "end": 130.13, "text": "So you skip the date and go straight to the disappointment."}, {"start": 130.13, "end": 131.53, "text": "Save's gas."}, {"start": 131.53, "end": 132.73, "text": "That's not sad."}, {"start": 132.73, "end": 134.73, "text": "That's budgeting for heartbreak."}, {"start": 142.82, "end": 145.62, "text": "Glamour on the outside, switch plate on the inside."}, {"start": 145.62, "end": 147.02, "text": "The diamond that cuts back."}, {"start": 147.02, "end": 151.62, "text": "Ruby."}, {"start": 151.62, "end": 155.42, "text": "Darling, you're so broke your love language is leftovers."}, {"start": 155.42, "end": 159.22, "text": "The most action you've seen all month was bending over to pick up a quarter,"}, {"start": 159.22, "end": 161.22, "text": "and you pulled something."}, {"start": 161.22, "end": 173.59, "text": "I did pull something and I kept the quarter, ante."}, {"start": 173.59, "end": 182.91, "text": "Baby, you keep saying I just want to make money and stay above water."}, {"start": 182.91, "end": 184.71, "text": "Honey, you're not looking for love."}, {"start": 184.71, "end": 186.71, "text": "You're looking for a second income."}, {"start": 186.71, "end": 189.71, "text": "Your dream woman is a cosigner."}, {"start": 189.71, "end": 197.4, "text": "I got one at 50 and broke."}, {"start": 197.8, "end": 206.71, "text": "And she'll become the free trial in a nap."}, {"start": 206.71, "end": 208.91, "text": "That's the show you broke beautiful animals."}, {"start": 208.91, "end": 211.91, "text": "At 50 single and underwater, the dream isn't romance."}, {"start": 211.91, "end": 213.51, "text": "It's the light staying on."}, {"start": 213.51, "end": 217.31, "text": "And somehow I'm still laughing, which is the only thing in my life that's free."}, {"start": 217.31, "end": 218.91, "text": "Laughing before the dark winds."}, {"start": 218.91, "end": 220.51, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 220.51, "end": 229.62, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 229.62, "end": 232.02, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 232.02, "end": 237.82, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 237.82, "end": 240.02, "text": "A brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 240.22, "end": 244.42, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours,"}, {"start": 244.42, "end": 245.82, "text": "seven days a week."}, {"start": 245.82, "end": 249.22, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 249.22, "end": 251.22, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 251.22, "end": 254.82, "text": "Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 254.82, "end": 257.22, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 257.22, "end": 260.62, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 260.62, "end": 264.62, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club, open all night."}, {"start": 264.62, "end": 268.62, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 268.62, "end": 269.62, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 269.62, "end": 271.02, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 271.02, "end": 272.02, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. In a world where romance costs money he doesn't have, where the only thing getting screwed is his credit score. Red Line presents, broke, single, and 50. Adults only. Bring tissues for the crying. Welcome, you lonely degenerates. I roast me first. I'm 50 broke, single. I'm not celibate. I'm budgeting. The only late night action I get is a late fee. Bring it. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit. Queen's stank. Baby, you say you don't have time for romance. Honey, you don't have time, money, or a second pillow. The only thing in your bed at night is a heating pad and a payment plan. Older than your house, healthier than your group chat. Grandpa's got no breaks. Pops! Kid at 50 broke. The libido and the bank account agree on one thing, not tonight. Your body's like the W-I-F-I. It works, but only if you don't ask too much of it. I just do a meal. You can't afford dinner and disappointment. So you skip the date and go straight to the disappointment. Save's gas. That's not sad. That's budgeting for heartbreak. Glamour on the outside, switch plate on the inside. The diamond that cuts back. Ruby. Darling, you're so broke your love language is leftovers. The most action you've seen all month was bending over to pick up a quarter, and you pulled something. I did pull something and I kept the quarter, ante. Baby, you keep saying I just want to make money and stay above water. Honey, you're not looking for love. You're looking for a second income. Your dream woman is a cosigner. I got one at 50 and broke. And she'll become the free trial in a nap. That's the show you broke beautiful animals. At 50 single and underwater, the dream isn't romance. It's the light staying on. And somehow I'm still laughing, which is the only thing in my life that's free. Laughing before the dark winds. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club, open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}