{"file": "audio/vault/15_single_vs_married.mp3", "duration_sec": 177.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.84, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 2.84, "end": 5.54, "text": "Adults only, no kids, no mercy."}, {"start": 5.54, "end": 8.24, "text": "For 15 years, one show ruled comedy."}, {"start": 8.24, "end": 10.24, "text": "Tonight, we come for the crown."}, {"start": 10.24, "end": 13.88, "text": "This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer"}, {"start": 13.88, "end": 16.68, "text": "24 hours a day, seven days a week."}, {"start": 16.68, "end": 20.42, "text": "We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years."}, {"start": 20.42, "end": 24.12, "text": "Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh."}, {"start": 24.12, "end": 25.32, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 25.32, "end": 27.16, "text": "Tonight, the oldest war in history,"}, {"start": 27.16, "end": 30.04, "text": "single versus married, I'm team single."}, {"start": 30.04, "end": 32.56, "text": "50 years old, three dogs and a side of the bed"}, {"start": 32.56, "end": 34.56, "text": "that has never once been argued over."}, {"start": 34.56, "end": 36.48, "text": "Married folks come get some."}, {"start": 36.48, "end": 43.05, "text": "Vinnie, you've been locked up 18 years swing."}, {"start": 43.05, "end": 45.69, "text": "Jesse's single at 50, that's not freedom."}, {"start": 45.69, "end": 47.81, "text": "That's a clearance rack nobody picked."}, {"start": 47.81, "end": 50.25, "text": "At least when I'm miserable, I got someone to blame."}, {"start": 50.25, "end": 61.51, "text": "You just apologize to a dog."}, {"start": 61.51, "end": 64.71, "text": "Vinnie, 18 years married and your idea of a wild night"}, {"start": 64.71, "end": 66.19, "text": "is a second pillow."}, {"start": 66.19, "end": 67.39, "text": "You didn't get a wife."}, {"start": 67.39, "end": 75.5, "text": "You got a parole officer who cooks."}, {"start": 75.5, "end": 77.26, "text": "I'm single in thriving."}, {"start": 77.26, "end": 79.86, "text": "Married people ask when I'll settle down."}, {"start": 79.86, "end": 81.66, "text": "Baby, I settle for nothing."}, {"start": 81.66, "end": 82.98, "text": "That's why I'm single."}, {"start": 82.98, "end": 84.26, "text": "I have standards."}, {"start": 84.26, "end": 90.68, "text": "You have a mortgage and a shared toothbrush."}, {"start": 90.68, "end": 93.52, "text": "Queen, your single because your standards are a fairy tale"}, {"start": 93.52, "end": 95.76, "text": "and your attitude is a horror movie."}, {"start": 95.76, "end": 97.56, "text": "Married means somebody is contractually"}, {"start": 97.56, "end": 99.68, "text": "obligated to find me at the airport."}, {"start": 99.68, "end": 100.92, "text": "Who's finding you?"}, {"start": 100.92, "end": 108.68, "text": "Your cat's an a search party."}, {"start": 108.68, "end": 110.44, "text": "Single, married."}, {"start": 110.44, "end": 112.64, "text": "In my family, you stay married out of fear,"}, {"start": 112.64, "end": 114.72, "text": "which is the strongest glue there is."}, {"start": 114.72, "end": 117.28, "text": "Jesse, three dogs and no wife."}, {"start": 117.28, "end": 119.04, "text": "That's just a marriage where everybody's loyal"}, {"start": 119.04, "end": 120.08, "text": "and nobody talks back."}, {"start": 120.08, "end": 131.77, "text": "Honestly, you won."}, {"start": 131.77, "end": 133.25, "text": "And that's the war, folks."}, {"start": 133.25, "end": 136.41, "text": "Single married, one of us dies alone, the other dies annoyed."}, {"start": 136.41, "end": 139.13, "text": "Truth is, I've been engaged three times and married zero"}, {"start": 139.13, "end": 141.85, "text": "so I'm basically a married man who kept the receipt."}, {"start": 141.85, "end": 144.09, "text": "Single or married, we're all just looking for someone"}, {"start": 144.09, "end": 145.77, "text": "to ignore us in person."}, {"start": 145.77, "end": 147.61, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh."}, {"start": 147.61, "end": 156.04, "text": "This is Red Line, Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLadies and gentlemen, welcome to Red Line Comedy Club. Adults only, no kids, no mercy. For 15 years, one show ruled comedy. Tonight, we come for the crown. This is Kill Jesse, built by Jesse Salis on a supercomputer 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We're doing in 60 days what took them 15 years. Now give it up for the man who bet his whole life on a laugh. Jesse. Tonight, the oldest war in history, single versus married, I'm team single. 50 years old, three dogs and a side of the bed that has never once been argued over. Married folks come get some. Vinnie, you've been locked up 18 years swing. Jesse's single at 50, that's not freedom. That's a clearance rack nobody picked. At least when I'm miserable, I got someone to blame. You just apologize to a dog. Vinnie, 18 years married and your idea of a wild night is a second pillow. You didn't get a wife. You got a parole officer who cooks. I'm single in thriving. Married people ask when I'll settle down. Baby, I settle for nothing. That's why I'm single. I have standards. You have a mortgage and a shared toothbrush. Queen, your single because your standards are a fairy tale and your attitude is a horror movie. Married means somebody is contractually obligated to find me at the airport. Who's finding you? Your cat's an a search party. Single, married. In my family, you stay married out of fear, which is the strongest glue there is. Jesse, three dogs and no wife. That's just a marriage where everybody's loyal and nobody talks back. Honestly, you won. And that's the war, folks. Single married, one of us dies alone, the other dies annoyed. Truth is, I've been engaged three times and married zero so I'm basically a married man who kept the receipt. Single or married, we're all just looking for someone to ignore us in person. The hero gets the last laugh. This is Red Line, Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}