{"file": "audio/vault/151_voice_showcase.mp3", "duration_sec": 380.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 18.94, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 18.94, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.24, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.24, "end": 34.24, "text": "Welcome to the Kill Jesse Voice Showcase."}, {"start": 34.24, "end": 36.74, "text": "Every comic on the roster, one line each."}, {"start": 36.74, "end": 39.54, "text": "Listen close, this is the whole bench."}, {"start": 39.54, "end": 43.34, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 43.34, "end": 44.94, "text": "Your every man of error?"}, {"start": 44.94, "end": 49.28, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 49.28, "end": 50.48, "text": "I'm Mickey."}, {"start": 50.48, "end": 54.08, "text": "My dating profile photo is me at someone else's wedding."}, {"start": 54.08, "end": 56.88, "text": "It's the only place I look stable."}, {"start": 56.88, "end": 59.88, "text": "From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time."}, {"start": 59.88, "end": 62.88, "text": "The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor."}, {"start": 62.88, "end": 63.88, "text": "Vinny."}, {"start": 63.88, "end": 69.28, "text": "I'm Vinny 18 years married."}, {"start": 69.28, "end": 73.08, "text": "The secret is I agree to everything and remember nothing."}, {"start": 73.08, "end": 76.88, "text": "He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos."}, {"start": 76.88, "end": 78.48, "text": "The roast physician is in."}, {"start": 78.48, "end": 83.22, "text": "Doc Burn."}, {"start": 83.22, "end": 84.22, "text": "I'm Doc Burn."}, {"start": 84.22, "end": 86.22, "text": "I diagnose your whole life in one look."}, {"start": 86.22, "end": 89.22, "text": "And the prognosis is always rough."}, {"start": 89.22, "end": 91.22, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 91.22, "end": 93.22, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit."}, {"start": 93.22, "end": 94.22, "text": "Queen Stank."}, {"start": 94.22, "end": 99.26, "text": "I'm Queen Stank."}, {"start": 99.26, "end": 100.26, "text": "I don't have a filter."}, {"start": 100.26, "end": 101.26, "text": "I had one."}, {"start": 101.26, "end": 103.66, "text": "I returned it for store credit."}, {"start": 103.66, "end": 106.26, "text": "Loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county."}, {"start": 106.26, "end": 112.3, "text": "She loves you, she'll bury you big mama."}, {"start": 112.3, "end": 113.3, "text": "I'm big mama."}, {"start": 113.3, "end": 116.3, "text": "I'll feed you and roast you in the same sentence."}, {"start": 116.3, "end": 119.1, "text": "Glamour on the outside, switch blade on the inside."}, {"start": 119.1, "end": 120.5, "text": "The diamond that cuts back."}, {"start": 120.5, "end": 125.13, "text": "Ruby."}, {"start": 125.13, "end": 125.93, "text": "I'm Ruby."}, {"start": 125.93, "end": 127.33, "text": "I'm gorgeous and mean."}, {"start": 127.33, "end": 130.73, "text": "It's a package deal and you can't afford the shipping."}, {"start": 130.73, "end": 133.33, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here."}, {"start": 133.33, "end": 136.33, "text": "The burnt out tech row running on fumes and cold brew."}, {"start": 136.33, "end": 140.44, "text": "Trip."}, {"start": 140.44, "end": 141.24, "text": "I'm trip."}, {"start": 141.24, "end": 144.04, "text": "I'm going to get a bulletin app that does nothing and raised $4 million."}, {"start": 144.04, "end": 145.84, "text": "That's my Tuesday."}, {"start": 145.84, "end": 149.24, "text": "He brings the doom, the gloom, and a voice from the bottom of a well."}, {"start": 149.24, "end": 154.68, "text": "Please welcome Graves."}, {"start": 154.68, "end": 155.68, "text": "I'm Graves."}, {"start": 155.68, "end": 158.88, "text": "I find the light at the end of the tunnel and I unplug it."}, {"start": 158.88, "end": 160.68, "text": "All protein, one personality."}, {"start": 160.68, "end": 162.88, "text": "The Jim Bro who skipped leg day in therapy."}, {"start": 162.88, "end": 166.96, "text": "Skip."}, {"start": 166.96, "end": 167.96, "text": "I'm skip."}, {"start": 167.96, "end": 168.96, "text": "I don't have problems, bro."}, {"start": 168.96, "end": 171.96, "text": "I have pre-workout and unresolved trauma."}, {"start": 171.96, "end": 173.96, "text": "Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits."}, {"start": 173.96, "end": 175.56, "text": "The chaos Gremlin himself."}, {"start": 175.56, "end": 179.47, "text": "Pixel."}, {"start": 179.47, "end": 180.47, "text": "I'm Pixel."}, {"start": 180.47, "end": 185.47, "text": "I peaked in a video game lobby in 2014 and I've been coasting ever since."}, {"start": 185.47, "end": 188.47, "text": "Older than your house, filthier than your group chat."}, {"start": 188.47, "end": 190.47, "text": "Grandpa's got no breaks."}, {"start": 190.47, "end": 194.38, "text": "Pops."}, {"start": 194.38, "end": 196.38, "text": "I'm Pops, 81."}, {"start": 196.38, "end": 199.78, "text": "I've buried three wives and only one was on purpose."}, {"start": 199.78, "end": 202.18, "text": "She runs on sarcasm and a triple A battery."}, {"start": 202.18, "end": 203.58, "text": "The deadpan Android."}, {"start": 203.58, "end": 207.49, "text": "Circuit."}, {"start": 207.49, "end": 208.49, "text": "I am circuit."}, {"start": 208.49, "end": 210.09, "text": "I was built to make you laugh."}, {"start": 210.09, "end": 213.49, "text": "I have calculated you are a difficult case."}, {"start": 213.49, "end": 215.89, "text": "You'll sing you a lullaby and then end your bloodline."}, {"start": 215.89, "end": 216.89, "text": "Sweet on the verse."}, {"start": 216.89, "end": 218.69, "text": "Lethal on the chorus."}, {"start": 218.69, "end": 222.57, "text": "Melody."}, {"start": 222.57, "end": 223.57, "text": "I'm Melody."}, {"start": 223.57, "end": 227.97, "text": "I'll sing you a love song and then bill you for the emotional damage."}, {"start": 227.97, "end": 229.57, "text": "Southern charm swamp venom."}, {"start": 229.57, "end": 231.37, "text": "She'll bless your heart and then stop it."}, {"start": 231.37, "end": 235.25, "text": "Sugar."}, {"start": 235.25, "end": 236.25, "text": "I'm sugar."}, {"start": 236.25, "end": 237.25, "text": "Bless your heart."}, {"start": 237.25, "end": 241.25, "text": "That's Southern for I just insulted you and you'll thank me later."}, {"start": 241.25, "end": 244.65, "text": "She showed up late, loud and somehow funnier than all of you."}, {"start": 244.65, "end": 246.65, "text": "The party that never RSVPs."}, {"start": 246.65, "end": 247.65, "text": "Yes."}, {"start": 251.0, "end": 251.6, "text": "I'm Jess."}, {"start": 251.6, "end": 255.8, "text": "My whole personality is a vibe and three unpaid parking tickets."}, {"start": 255.8, "end": 256.6, "text": "I'm Karma."}, {"start": 256.6, "end": 257.6, "text": "I do yoga."}, {"start": 257.6, "end": 261.6, "text": "I drink green tea and I will ruin your week spiritually."}, {"start": 261.6, "end": 262.6, "text": "I'm Nikki."}, {"start": 262.6, "end": 265.8, "text": "20 years waiting tables."}, {"start": 265.8, "end": 270.0, "text": "A salad at 3 a.m. means de force."}, {"start": 270.0, "end": 272.8, "text": "I bring extra forks."}, {"start": 272.8, "end": 273.8, "text": "I'm Nana."}, {"start": 273.8, "end": 274.8, "text": "I love my grandkids."}, {"start": 274.8, "end": 277.4, "text": "I just love them more when they leave."}, {"start": 277.4, "end": 278.4, "text": "I'm broke."}, {"start": 278.4, "end": 279.4, "text": "I'm not lazy."}, {"start": 279.4, "end": 280.4, "text": "I'm energy efficient."}, {"start": 280.4, "end": 281.4, "text": "I'm a man."}, {"start": 281.4, "end": 282.4, "text": "I'm Nigel."}, {"start": 282.4, "end": 287.4, "text": "I'd explain my superiority but you simply wouldn't have the vocabulary."}, {"start": 287.4, "end": 288.4, "text": "I'm the professor."}, {"start": 288.4, "end": 293.0, "text": "Studies show 90% of you are laugh and the rest are wrong."}, {"start": 293.0, "end": 294.0, "text": "I'm Gov."}, {"start": 294.0, "end": 295.0, "text": "Back home."}, {"start": 295.0, "end": 298.2, "text": "A balanced diet is a pint in each hand."}, {"start": 298.2, "end": 299.2, "text": "I'm Oli."}, {"start": 299.2, "end": 300.2, "text": "I'm not awkward."}, {"start": 300.2, "end": 303.8, "text": "I'm just British and feeling things at the same time."}, {"start": 303.8, "end": 304.8, "text": "I'm the Duchess."}, {"start": 304.8, "end": 309.8, "text": "I'd insult you but my breeding won't allow me to acknowledge you exist."}, {"start": 309.8, "end": 310.8, "text": "I'm Beck from Birmingham."}, {"start": 310.8, "end": 314.6, "text": "I'll fight anyone here and I've already picked you."}, {"start": 314.6, "end": 315.6, "text": "I'm Bella."}, {"start": 315.6, "end": 316.6, "text": "Every entrance is dramatic."}, {"start": 316.6, "end": 317.6, "text": "Even this one."}, {"start": 317.6, "end": 319.6, "text": "Especially this one."}, {"start": 319.6, "end": 320.6, "text": "I'm Pip."}, {"start": 320.6, "end": 321.6, "text": "I'm small."}, {"start": 321.6, "end": 322.6, "text": "I'm sweet."}, {"start": 322.6, "end": 325.6, "text": "And I will end you before you finish your drink."}, {"start": 325.6, "end": 326.8, "text": "That's all 28."}, {"start": 326.8, "end": 330.0, "text": "The deepest bench in comedy and everyone works for free."}, {"start": 330.0, "end": 332.52, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 332.52, "end": 334.84, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 334.84, "end": 341.4, "text": "The red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new"}, {"start": 341.4, "end": 343.0, "text": "comic steps up."}, {"start": 343.0, "end": 348.64, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 348.64, "end": 352.24, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 352.24, "end": 353.24, "text": "Can't sleep."}, {"start": 353.24, "end": 354.24, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 354.24, "end": 355.54, "text": "Going through something."}, {"start": 355.54, "end": 356.54, "text": "So is he."}, {"start": 356.54, "end": 357.54, "text": "Always."}, {"start": 357.54, "end": 359.94, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 359.94, "end": 363.48, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 363.48, "end": 368.94, "text": "Before the dark wins, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there"}, {"start": 368.94, "end": 371.54, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 371.54, "end": 372.54, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 372.54, "end": 374.04, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 374.04, "end": 374.44, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the Kill Jesse Voice Showcase. Every comic on the roster, one line each. Listen close, this is the whole bench. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. Your every man of error? Mickey! I'm Mickey. My dating profile photo is me at someone else's wedding. It's the only place I look stable. From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time. The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor. Vinny. I'm Vinny 18 years married. The secret is I agree to everything and remember nothing. He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos. The roast physician is in. Doc Burn. I'm Doc Burn. I diagnose your whole life in one look. And the prognosis is always rough. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit. Queen Stank. I'm Queen Stank. I don't have a filter. I had one. I returned it for store credit. Loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county. She loves you, she'll bury you big mama. I'm big mama. I'll feed you and roast you in the same sentence. Glamour on the outside, switch blade on the inside. The diamond that cuts back. Ruby. I'm Ruby. I'm gorgeous and mean. It's a package deal and you can't afford the shipping. He optimized his entire life and ended up here. The burnt out tech row running on fumes and cold brew. Trip. I'm trip. I'm going to get a bulletin app that does nothing and raised $4 million. That's my Tuesday. He brings the doom, the gloom, and a voice from the bottom of a well. Please welcome Graves. I'm Graves. I find the light at the end of the tunnel and I unplug it. All protein, one personality. The Jim Bro who skipped leg day in therapy. Skip. I'm skip. I don't have problems, bro. I have pre-workout and unresolved trauma. Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits. The chaos Gremlin himself. Pixel. I'm Pixel. I peaked in a video game lobby in 2014 and I've been coasting ever since. Older than your house, filthier than your group chat. Grandpa's got no breaks. Pops. I'm Pops, 81. I've buried three wives and only one was on purpose. She runs on sarcasm and a triple A battery. The deadpan Android. Circuit. I am circuit. I was built to make you laugh. I have calculated you are a difficult case. You'll sing you a lullaby and then end your bloodline. Sweet on the verse. Lethal on the chorus. Melody. I'm Melody. I'll sing you a love song and then bill you for the emotional damage. Southern charm swamp venom. She'll bless your heart and then stop it. Sugar. I'm sugar. Bless your heart. That's Southern for I just insulted you and you'll thank me later. She showed up late, loud and somehow funnier than all of you. The party that never RSVPs. Yes. I'm Jess. My whole personality is a vibe and three unpaid parking tickets. I'm Karma. I do yoga. I drink green tea and I will ruin your week spiritually. I'm Nikki. 20 years waiting tables. A salad at 3 a.m. means de force. I bring extra forks. I'm Nana. I love my grandkids. I just love them more when they leave. I'm broke. I'm not lazy. I'm energy efficient. I'm a man. I'm Nigel. I'd explain my superiority but you simply wouldn't have the vocabulary. I'm the professor. Studies show 90% of you are laugh and the rest are wrong. I'm Gov. Back home. A balanced diet is a pint in each hand. I'm Oli. I'm not awkward. I'm just British and feeling things at the same time. I'm the Duchess. I'd insult you but my breeding won't allow me to acknowledge you exist. I'm Beck from Birmingham. I'll fight anyone here and I've already picked you. I'm Bella. Every entrance is dramatic. Even this one. Especially this one. I'm Pip. I'm small. I'm sweet. And I will end you before you finish your drink. That's all 28. The deepest bench in comedy and everyone works for free. This is Kill Jesse. And that is our show. The red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep. We're up. Going through something. So is he. Always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark wins, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}