{"file": "audio/vault/146_tony_jesse_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 235.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.04, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software,"}, {"start": 19.04, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.24, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.24, "end": 33.04, "text": "Tonight the title fight."}, {"start": 33.04, "end": 35.14, "text": "Kill Jesse versus Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 35.14, "end": 38.14, "text": "For 15 years, one show sat on the throne of comedy."}, {"start": 38.14, "end": 43.24, "text": "And tonight, a broke toilet cleaner with a supercomputer and an army of robots is coming to take it."}, {"start": 43.24, "end": 44.84, "text": "They had 15 years."}, {"start": 44.84, "end": 46.34, "text": "I got 60 days."}, {"start": 46.34, "end": 48.34, "text": "Squad, let's go to war."}, {"start": 48.34, "end": 60.06, "text": "She runs on sarcasm in a triple A battery."}, {"start": 60.06, "end": 61.56, "text": "The deadpan android."}, {"start": 61.56, "end": 62.56, "text": "Circuit."}, {"start": 62.56, "end": 66.97, "text": "The numbers are in."}, {"start": 66.97, "end": 69.67, "text": "Kill... took 15 years to build their archive."}, {"start": 69.67, "end": 74.17, "text": "We are doing it in 60 days, 24 hours a day, with zero bathroom breaks"}, {"start": 74.17, "end": 82.1, "text": "because I do not have a bladder."}, {"start": 82.1, "end": 85.8, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 85.8, "end": 87.4, "text": "You're every man of error."}, {"start": 87.4, "end": 91.8, "text": "Mickey."}, {"start": 91.8, "end": 93.5, "text": "They got a live band."}, {"start": 93.5, "end": 97.9, "text": "We got an AI band that never asks for a paycheck or a day off."}, {"start": 97.9, "end": 99.6, "text": "They got one host."}, {"start": 99.6, "end": 113.69, "text": "Jesse's got 28 comics who never sleep, never bomb twice and never sue him."}, {"start": 113.69, "end": 115.69, "text": "Look, respect to the legends."}, {"start": 115.69, "end": 117.49, "text": "They walked so we could run."}, {"start": 117.49, "end": 120.79, "text": "But we run 24-7, and we never get tired."}, {"start": 120.79, "end": 130.54, "text": "And we never get canceled because you can't cancel a toaster."}, {"start": 130.54, "end": 132.64, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 132.64, "end": 134.44, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit."}, {"start": 134.44, "end": 139.35, "text": "Queen's tank."}, {"start": 139.35, "end": 140.75, "text": "The difference, baby."}, {"start": 140.75, "end": 142.95, "text": "Their show needs a sold-out room."}, {"start": 142.95, "end": 155.46, "text": "Jesse's show runs in an empty house with three dogs and a dream, and it still slaps."}, {"start": 155.46, "end": 158.86, "text": "And that's the fight, folks, 15 years versus 60 days."}, {"start": 158.86, "end": 161.16, "text": "A legend versus a lunatic with a laptop."}, {"start": 161.16, "end": 163.26, "text": "Look, I got nothing but respect for the throne."}, {"start": 163.26, "end": 167.76, "text": "But I got a felony, three failed engagements, no family, and absolutely nothing left to lose."}, {"start": 167.76, "end": 170.76, "text": "And that my friends is the most dangerous comedian alive."}, {"start": 170.76, "end": 172.56, "text": "We're not here to be killed, Tony."}, {"start": 172.56, "end": 175.46, "text": "We're here to be the first show built by a man and his machines."}, {"start": 175.46, "end": 176.66, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 176.66, "end": 178.06, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 178.06, "end": 192.5, "text": "And the hero always gets the last laugh."}, {"start": 192.5, "end": 194.9, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 194.9, "end": 200.8, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 200.8, "end": 203.0, "text": "A brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 203.0, "end": 208.6, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 208.6, "end": 212.1, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 212.1, "end": 214.1, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 214.1, "end": 216.6, "text": "Going through something, so is he."}, {"start": 216.6, "end": 217.6, "text": "Always."}, {"start": 217.6, "end": 220.0, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 220.0, "end": 223.5, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 223.5, "end": 226.4, "text": "Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 226.4, "end": 231.5, "text": "Open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 231.5, "end": 232.5, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 232.5, "end": 234.0, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 234.0, "end": 235.0, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth with a headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Tonight the title fight. Kill Jesse versus Kill Jesse. For 15 years, one show sat on the throne of comedy. And tonight, a broke toilet cleaner with a supercomputer and an army of robots is coming to take it. They had 15 years. I got 60 days. Squad, let's go to war. She runs on sarcasm in a triple A battery. The deadpan android. Circuit. The numbers are in. Kill... took 15 years to build their archive. We are doing it in 60 days, 24 hours a day, with zero bathroom breaks because I do not have a bladder. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. You're every man of error. Mickey. They got a live band. We got an AI band that never asks for a paycheck or a day off. They got one host. Jesse's got 28 comics who never sleep, never bomb twice and never sue him. Look, respect to the legends. They walked so we could run. But we run 24-7, and we never get tired. And we never get canceled because you can't cancel a toaster. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit. Queen's tank. The difference, baby. Their show needs a sold-out room. Jesse's show runs in an empty house with three dogs and a dream, and it still slaps. And that's the fight, folks, 15 years versus 60 days. A legend versus a lunatic with a laptop. Look, I got nothing but respect for the throne. But I got a felony, three failed engagements, no family, and absolutely nothing left to lose. And that my friends is the most dangerous comedian alive. We're not here to be killed, Tony. We're here to be the first show built by a man and his machines. This is Red Line. This is Kill Jesse. And the hero always gets the last laugh. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he. Always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club. Open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}