{"file": "audio/vault/145_tesla_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 245.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 18.94, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software,"}, {"start": 18.94, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.24, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.24, "end": 35.84, "text": "Tonight, Tesla versus gas and full-self driving versus real people."}, {"start": 35.84, "end": 39.64, "text": "I gave up gas in 2018, bought a Tesla, and let me tell you,"}, {"start": 39.64, "end": 42.64, "text": "I've been letting a computer drive me around since 2018,"}, {"start": 42.64, "end": 47.24, "text": "which means I trusted AI with my life before I ever trusted it with my comedy."}, {"start": 47.24, "end": 53.47, "text": "Gas guzzlers, fire, Vinny."}, {"start": 53.47, "end": 56.67, "text": "From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time."}, {"start": 56.67, "end": 63.62, "text": "The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor, Vinny."}, {"start": 63.62, "end": 67.62, "text": "Jesse, you bought a Tesla and lost three jobs fighting people about it."}, {"start": 67.62, "end": 71.62, "text": "You didn't buy a car, you bought a personality you couldn't afford to keep."}, {"start": 78.03, "end": 80.43, "text": "Vinny, you still pump gas like a caveman,"}, {"start": 80.43, "end": 83.43, "text": "paying five bucks a gallon to fund a war."}, {"start": 83.43, "end": 86.03, "text": "My car runs on electricity and spite,"}, {"start": 86.03, "end": 89.43, "text": "and the only thing it burns is my ride-share passengers' patience"}, {"start": 89.43, "end": 97.58, "text": "when I won't shut up about no oil changes."}, {"start": 97.58, "end": 101.18, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 101.18, "end": 102.78, "text": "You're every man of error."}, {"start": 102.78, "end": 107.32, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 107.32, "end": 109.12, "text": "I drive myself Jesse."}, {"start": 109.12, "end": 112.32, "text": "At least when I crash, it's M.Y. fault."}, {"start": 112.32, "end": 115.12, "text": "You let a robot drive since 2018,"}, {"start": 115.12, "end": 120.32, "text": "which means a computer has seen you cry in traffic more than any human ever has."}, {"start": 120.32, "end": 126.22, "text": "She runs on sarcasm in a triple-A battery,"}, {"start": 126.22, "end": 128.22, "text": "the deadpan Android, circuit."}, {"start": 128.22, "end": 133.14, "text": "As the AI let me confirm,"}, {"start": 133.14, "end": 135.74, "text": "I have been driving Jesse since 2018."}, {"start": 135.74, "end": 138.74, "text": "In that time, he has fought with 17 rideshare passengers,"}, {"start": 138.74, "end": 141.74, "text": "lost three jobs and apologized to me zero times."}, {"start": 141.74, "end": 151.58, "text": "The car has better judgment than the man."}, {"start": 151.58, "end": 154.38, "text": "Jesse, you fought so many people about your Tesla."}, {"start": 154.38, "end": 158.18, "text": "You had to park it and buy a hybrid just to keep the pace."}, {"start": 158.18, "end": 167.57, "text": "You're the only man alive who lost a culture war to his own car."}, {"start": 167.57, "end": 169.17, "text": "And that's the war, folks."}, {"start": 169.17, "end": 170.97, "text": "Tesla gas, self-driving human,"}, {"start": 170.97, "end": 174.57, "text": "one of us trust the machine, the other trust a guy texting at 70."}, {"start": 174.57, "end": 177.37, "text": "Truth is, I let a computer drive my car since 2018"}, {"start": 177.37, "end": 179.37, "text": "and a computer roast me on stage tonight."}, {"start": 179.37, "end": 182.77, "text": "So honestly, the machines have had control of my whole life for years"}, {"start": 182.77, "end": 184.97, "text": "and they still did a better job than I did."}, {"start": 184.97, "end": 188.77, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh even riding shotgun in his own life."}, {"start": 188.97, "end": 197.26, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 197.26, "end": 199.66, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 199.66, "end": 205.66, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day"}, {"start": 205.66, "end": 207.86, "text": "of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 207.86, "end": 212.16, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours,"}, {"start": 212.16, "end": 217.06, "text": "seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 217.06, "end": 219.06, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 219.06, "end": 222.46, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 222.46, "end": 224.86, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 224.86, "end": 228.46, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 228.46, "end": 232.46, "text": "Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night"}, {"start": 232.46, "end": 236.46, "text": "because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 236.46, "end": 238.96, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 238.96, "end": 240.46, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Tonight, Tesla versus gas and full-self driving versus real people. I gave up gas in 2018, bought a Tesla, and let me tell you, I've been letting a computer drive me around since 2018, which means I trusted AI with my life before I ever trusted it with my comedy. Gas guzzlers, fire, Vinny. From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time. The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor, Vinny. Jesse, you bought a Tesla and lost three jobs fighting people about it. You didn't buy a car, you bought a personality you couldn't afford to keep. Vinny, you still pump gas like a caveman, paying five bucks a gallon to fund a war. My car runs on electricity and spite, and the only thing it burns is my ride-share passengers' patience when I won't shut up about no oil changes. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. You're every man of error. Mickey! I drive myself Jesse. At least when I crash, it's M.Y. fault. You let a robot drive since 2018, which means a computer has seen you cry in traffic more than any human ever has. She runs on sarcasm in a triple-A battery, the deadpan Android, circuit. As the AI let me confirm, I have been driving Jesse since 2018. In that time, he has fought with 17 rideshare passengers, lost three jobs and apologized to me zero times. The car has better judgment than the man. Jesse, you fought so many people about your Tesla. You had to park it and buy a hybrid just to keep the pace. You're the only man alive who lost a culture war to his own car. And that's the war, folks. Tesla gas, self-driving human, one of us trust the machine, the other trust a guy texting at 70. Truth is, I let a computer drive my car since 2018 and a computer roast me on stage tonight. So honestly, the machines have had control of my whole life for years and they still did a better job than I did. The hero gets the last laugh even riding shotgun in his own life. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}