{"file": "audio/vault/143_squad_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 211.8, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.04, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.04, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.24, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.24, "end": 34.64, "text": "Welcome to the Squads' House, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 34.64, "end": 39.44, "text": "Tonight it's my team, me my main man on the Mike Trailer Guy and Jerry the Italian,"}, {"start": 39.44, "end": 42.24, "text": "and we are here to roast every comic in this building,"}, {"start": 42.24, "end": 45.44, "text": "because at Red Line the hero always gets the last laugh,"}, {"start": 45.44, "end": 46.64, "text": "and that's me."}, {"start": 46.64, "end": 48.64, "text": "Bring out the first victim, Mickey."}, {"start": 48.64, "end": 56.04, "text": "Next to the Mike, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade?"}, {"start": 56.04, "end": 57.64, "text": "You're every man of error?"}, {"start": 57.64, "end": 58.64, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 58.64, "end": 62.81, "text": "I'm Mickey."}, {"start": 62.81, "end": 65.81, "text": "I'm on every dating app and band from two."}, {"start": 65.81, "end": 68.61, "text": "My love life is like my phone battery."}, {"start": 68.61, "end": 80.82, "text": "Always at 1%, and nobody's got a charger."}, {"start": 80.82, "end": 83.82, "text": "Mickey, you got the romantic range of a vending machine."}, {"start": 83.82, "end": 91.28, "text": "You'd take their money and give them nothing."}, {"start": 91.28, "end": 92.68, "text": "And let the record show,"}, {"start": 92.68, "end": 96.68, "text": "Mickey's dating profile has been reported more times than a stolen car."}, {"start": 96.68, "end": 105.32, "text": "And that's three on one, Mickey."}, {"start": 105.32, "end": 106.72, "text": "Welcome to the Squad."}, {"start": 106.72, "end": 108.72, "text": "Next victim, Queen Stank."}, {"start": 108.72, "end": 111.12, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 111.12, "end": 117.86, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank."}, {"start": 117.86, "end": 120.26, "text": "I'm Queen Stank, and I don't need a man."}, {"start": 120.26, "end": 126.12, "text": "I need a refund on the last four."}, {"start": 126.12, "end": 127.52, "text": "Queen, you've been single so long,"}, {"start": 127.52, "end": 135.36, "text": "you last date paid in cash in a pager."}, {"start": 135.36, "end": 144.79, "text": "Queen Stank, the only woman whose red flags formed a conga line."}, {"start": 144.79, "end": 146.79, "text": "But here's my last word, Queen."}, {"start": 146.79, "end": 148.99, "text": "You and me both got left by everybody."}, {"start": 148.99, "end": 150.99, "text": "The differences I made mine a business,"}, {"start": 150.99, "end": 154.39, "text": "and that folks is why the hero always gets the last laugh."}, {"start": 154.39, "end": 155.39, "text": "I'm Jesse."}, {"start": 155.39, "end": 156.59, "text": "This is my Squad."}, {"start": 156.59, "end": 163.92, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 163.92, "end": 166.32, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 166.32, "end": 170.52, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour,"}, {"start": 170.52, "end": 174.52, "text": "of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 174.52, "end": 178.72, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours,"}, {"start": 178.72, "end": 180.12, "text": "seven days a week."}, {"start": 180.12, "end": 183.52, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 183.52, "end": 185.72, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 185.72, "end": 189.12, "text": "Going through something so is he, always."}, {"start": 189.12, "end": 191.52, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 191.52, "end": 195.12, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh"}, {"start": 195.12, "end": 196.52, "text": "before the dark winds."}, {"start": 196.52, "end": 197.92, "text": "The Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 197.92, "end": 200.52, "text": "Open all night because somewhere out there,"}, {"start": 200.52, "end": 202.92, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 202.92, "end": 203.92, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 203.92, "end": 205.52, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 205.52, "end": 206.52, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the Squads' House, you beautiful degenerates. Tonight it's my team, me my main man on the Mike Trailer Guy and Jerry the Italian, and we are here to roast every comic in this building, because at Red Line the hero always gets the last laugh, and that's me. Bring out the first victim, Mickey. Next to the Mike, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade? You're every man of error? Mickey! I'm Mickey. I'm on every dating app and band from two. My love life is like my phone battery. Always at 1%, and nobody's got a charger. Mickey, you got the romantic range of a vending machine. You'd take their money and give them nothing. And let the record show, Mickey's dating profile has been reported more times than a stolen car. And that's three on one, Mickey. Welcome to the Squad. Next victim, Queen Stank. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank. I'm Queen Stank, and I don't need a man. I need a refund on the last four. Queen, you've been single so long, you last date paid in cash in a pager. Queen Stank, the only woman whose red flags formed a conga line. But here's my last word, Queen. You and me both got left by everybody. The differences I made mine a business, and that folks is why the hero always gets the last laugh. I'm Jesse. This is my Squad. This is Red Line. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour, of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The Red Line Comedy Club. Open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}