{"file": "audio/vault/142_squad_feature_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 213.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 28.14, "text": "We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 33.84, "text": "All right, tonight my squad takes over."}, {"start": 33.84, "end": 36.24, "text": "My announcer trailer guy and Jerry, the Italian,"}, {"start": 36.24, "end": 39.04, "text": "are stepping out from behind the mic to do their own jokes"}, {"start": 39.04, "end": 41.24, "text": "and roast every clown in this room."}, {"start": 41.24, "end": 47.44, "text": "Trailer guy, the stage is yours."}, {"start": 47.44, "end": 50.44, "text": "In a world where my dating life is a horror franchise,"}, {"start": 50.44, "end": 53.44, "text": "one man swiped right and unleashed disappointment."}, {"start": 53.44, "end": 55.44, "text": "I narrate movie trailers for a living,"}, {"start": 55.44, "end": 58.04, "text": "which means I make everything sound epic."}, {"start": 58.04, "end": 60.64, "text": "My therapist said, you have crippling debt."}, {"start": 60.64, "end": 63.64, "text": "I said, one man, owed everything."}, {"start": 63.64, "end": 65.44, "text": "Mickey, your love life trailer"}, {"start": 65.44, "end": 69.24, "text": "would go straight to streaming and get cancelled after one episode."}, {"start": 69.24, "end": 87.94, "text": "Trailer guy, you make a serial commercial sound like the godfather."}, {"start": 87.94, "end": 89.54, "text": "Me, I'm Jerry."}, {"start": 89.54, "end": 92.54, "text": "My family is so Italian, we don't say I love you."}, {"start": 92.54, "end": 94.94, "text": "We say, you ate yet?"}, {"start": 94.94, "end": 96.94, "text": "And it means the same thing."}, {"start": 96.94, "end": 102.14, "text": "Queenstank, you're the only woman whose biological clock got repossessed."}, {"start": 102.14, "end": 117.89, "text": "Jerry, you talk tough, but you cried during a pasta commercial."}, {"start": 118.09, "end": 121.69, "text": "This summer, one man, wept over rigatoni."}, {"start": 121.69, "end": 129.42, "text": "And Jesse, you pay us both,"}, {"start": 129.42, "end": 133.42, "text": "which means the toilet cleanest signs our checks, only in America."}, {"start": 133.42, "end": 140.71, "text": "And there's my squad, folks."}, {"start": 140.71, "end": 143.91, "text": "Trailer guy and Jerry roasting everyone every single night."}, {"start": 143.91, "end": 145.51, "text": "But here's my last laugh."}, {"start": 145.51, "end": 146.71, "text": "These two work for me,"}, {"start": 146.71, "end": 152.51, "text": "which makes me the only man alive whose announcer and his Italian both answer to a guy who cleans toilets."}, {"start": 152.51, "end": 154.11, "text": "The hero always wins."}, {"start": 154.11, "end": 156.31, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 156.51, "end": 165.61, "text": "We make comedy every minute of the day, so come back for more."}, {"start": 165.61, "end": 168.01, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 168.01, "end": 176.21, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 176.21, "end": 181.81, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 181.81, "end": 185.41, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 185.41, "end": 187.41, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 187.41, "end": 190.81, "text": "Going through something, so is he always."}, {"start": 190.81, "end": 193.21, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 193.21, "end": 198.21, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins."}, {"start": 198.21, "end": 202.21, "text": "The Red Line comedy club, open all night because somewhere out there,"}, {"start": 202.21, "end": 204.61, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 204.61, "end": 205.61, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 205.61, "end": 207.21, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 207.21, "end": 208.21, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. All right, tonight my squad takes over. My announcer trailer guy and Jerry, the Italian, are stepping out from behind the mic to do their own jokes and roast every clown in this room. Trailer guy, the stage is yours. In a world where my dating life is a horror franchise, one man swiped right and unleashed disappointment. I narrate movie trailers for a living, which means I make everything sound epic. My therapist said, you have crippling debt. I said, one man, owed everything. Mickey, your love life trailer would go straight to streaming and get cancelled after one episode. Trailer guy, you make a serial commercial sound like the godfather. Me, I'm Jerry. My family is so Italian, we don't say I love you. We say, you ate yet? And it means the same thing. Queenstank, you're the only woman whose biological clock got repossessed. Jerry, you talk tough, but you cried during a pasta commercial. This summer, one man, wept over rigatoni. And Jesse, you pay us both, which means the toilet cleanest signs our checks, only in America. And there's my squad, folks. Trailer guy and Jerry roasting everyone every single night. But here's my last laugh. These two work for me, which makes me the only man alive whose announcer and his Italian both answer to a guy who cleans toilets. The hero always wins. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. We make comedy every minute of the day, so come back for more. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins. The Red Line comedy club, open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}