{"file": "audio/vault/136_school_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 273.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.04, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.04, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.24, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.24, "end": 33.58, "text": "Welcome to Red Line Comedy School,"}, {"start": 33.58, "end": 36.48, "text": "where the jokes get judged and the comics get schooled."}, {"start": 36.48, "end": 40.08, "text": "Tonight's lesson, turning your worst life moments into your best material."}, {"start": 40.08, "end": 50.55, "text": "Here's your Dean of Disaster, Jesse."}, {"start": 50.55, "end": 53.25, "text": "Tonight we take the stuff that should put you in therapy,"}, {"start": 53.25, "end": 55.25, "text": "breakups, divorce, getting fired,"}, {"start": 55.25, "end": 59.75, "text": "and we make it funny because comedy is just tragedy that finally paid rent."}, {"start": 59.75, "end": 60.75, "text": "Judges ready?"}, {"start": 60.75, "end": 66.22, "text": "Mickey get back on the saddle."}, {"start": 66.22, "end": 69.92, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 69.92, "end": 71.52, "text": "Your every man of error?"}, {"start": 71.52, "end": 75.89, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 75.89, "end": 79.89, "text": "I got divorced and everyone said get back out there, get on the apps."}, {"start": 79.99, "end": 81.29, "text": "So I did."}, {"start": 81.29, "end": 83.69, "text": "First match asked what I'm looking for."}, {"start": 83.69, "end": 85.19, "text": "I said honestly,"}, {"start": 85.19, "end": 87.99, "text": "someone to split the cost of my mistakes."}, {"start": 87.99, "end": 102.22, "text": "Dating after divorce is just job hunting where every interview ends in crying."}, {"start": 102.22, "end": 103.62, "text": "Seven out of ten."}, {"start": 103.62, "end": 104.82, "text": "Mickey Lesson One,"}, {"start": 104.82, "end": 106.62, "text": "relatability plus a twist."}, {"start": 106.62, "end": 109.02, "text": "Dating is job hunting that's relatable."}, {"start": 109.02, "end": 111.02, "text": "Ends in crying that's the twist."}, {"start": 111.02, "end": 112.82, "text": "You took a shared truth and you bent it."}, {"start": 112.82, "end": 113.92, "text": "That's the recipe."}, {"start": 113.92, "end": 115.92, "text": "Agreement then surprise."}, {"start": 119.02, "end": 123.22, "text": "Six baby, good bones but you buried your best word."}, {"start": 123.22, "end": 125.22, "text": "Split the cost of my mistakes."}, {"start": 125.22, "end": 127.22, "text": "That's your punchline put it last."}, {"start": 127.22, "end": 129.22, "text": "Always end on your hardest word,"}, {"start": 129.22, "end": 131.72, "text": "so the laugh has nowhere to go but up."}, {"start": 131.72, "end": 135.55, "text": "Schools in session,"}, {"start": 135.55, "end": 137.15, "text": "Vinny, divorce court go."}, {"start": 137.15, "end": 138.65, "text": "From Brooklyn,"}, {"start": 138.65, "end": 140.65, "text": "married 20 years and still doing the time."}, {"start": 140.65, "end": 143.55, "text": "The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor,"}, {"start": 143.55, "end": 144.55, "text": "Vinny."}, {"start": 144.55, "end": 150.86, "text": "My divorce was so expensive my lawyer got the house."}, {"start": 150.86, "end": 154.26, "text": "The judge looked at me the way every woman I've loved eventually does."}, {"start": 154.36, "end": 156.16, "text": "Tired and reaching for paperwork."}, {"start": 156.16, "end": 157.86, "text": "They say divorce is like a death."}, {"start": 157.86, "end": 160.56, "text": "No, when someone dies the casserole show up."}, {"start": 160.56, "end": 174.1, "text": "When you divorce the casserole takes half your stuff in your dog."}, {"start": 174.1, "end": 176.3, "text": "Nine, that is a comparison done right."}, {"start": 176.3, "end": 178.5, "text": "Divorce versus death you said a dark frame"}, {"start": 178.5, "end": 180.4, "text": "and you found the absurd specific."}, {"start": 180.4, "end": 181.7, "text": "The casserole is the dog."}, {"start": 181.7, "end": 184.0, "text": "Dark comedy works when the detail is light."}, {"start": 184.0, "end": 185.7, "text": "Heavy idea, silly detail."}, {"start": 185.7, "end": 190.8, "text": "Write that down."}, {"start": 190.8, "end": 192.3, "text": "Eight and here's your medicine, Vinny."}, {"start": 192.3, "end": 193.9, "text": "You almost talk past the dog."}, {"start": 193.9, "end": 195.4, "text": "The dog was the punchline."}, {"start": 195.4, "end": 197.9, "text": "Find your funniest word and in the sentence there."}, {"start": 197.9, "end": 199.7, "text": "You had a knockout and you kept jabbing."}, {"start": 199.7, "end": 205.65, "text": "Trust the joke and get off the stage."}, {"start": 205.65, "end": 207.15, "text": "And that's the class folks."}, {"start": 207.15, "end": 209.25, "text": "Take the break up the firing, the funeral."}, {"start": 209.25, "end": 213.75, "text": "Find the relatable truth, twist it, get specific and end on your hardest word."}, {"start": 213.75, "end": 216.05, "text": "Comedy is just pain with good timing."}, {"start": 216.05, "end": 225.18, "text": "This is Red Line Comedy School, class dismissed."}, {"start": 225.18, "end": 227.68, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 227.68, "end": 233.48, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 233.58, "end": 235.78, "text": "A brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 235.78, "end": 240.08, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours."}, {"start": 240.08, "end": 241.38, "text": "Seven days a week."}, {"start": 241.38, "end": 244.88, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 244.88, "end": 245.98, "text": "Can't sleep."}, {"start": 245.98, "end": 246.98, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 246.98, "end": 249.38, "text": "Going through something so is he."}, {"start": 249.38, "end": 250.38, "text": "Always."}, {"start": 250.38, "end": 252.78, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 252.78, "end": 256.28, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 256.28, "end": 259.18, "text": "Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 259.18, "end": 260.28, "text": "Open all night."}, {"start": 260.28, "end": 263.08, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always."}, {"start": 263.08, "end": 264.38, "text": "Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 264.38, "end": 265.38, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 265.38, "end": 266.88, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 266.88, "end": 267.38, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to Red Line Comedy School, where the jokes get judged and the comics get schooled. Tonight's lesson, turning your worst life moments into your best material. Here's your Dean of Disaster, Jesse. Tonight we take the stuff that should put you in therapy, breakups, divorce, getting fired, and we make it funny because comedy is just tragedy that finally paid rent. Judges ready? Mickey get back on the saddle. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. Your every man of error? Mickey! I got divorced and everyone said get back out there, get on the apps. So I did. First match asked what I'm looking for. I said honestly, someone to split the cost of my mistakes. Dating after divorce is just job hunting where every interview ends in crying. Seven out of ten. Mickey Lesson One, relatability plus a twist. Dating is job hunting that's relatable. Ends in crying that's the twist. You took a shared truth and you bent it. That's the recipe. Agreement then surprise. Six baby, good bones but you buried your best word. Split the cost of my mistakes. That's your punchline put it last. Always end on your hardest word, so the laugh has nowhere to go but up. Schools in session, Vinny, divorce court go. From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time. The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor, Vinny. My divorce was so expensive my lawyer got the house. The judge looked at me the way every woman I've loved eventually does. Tired and reaching for paperwork. They say divorce is like a death. No, when someone dies the casserole show up. When you divorce the casserole takes half your stuff in your dog. Nine, that is a comparison done right. Divorce versus death you said a dark frame and you found the absurd specific. The casserole is the dog. Dark comedy works when the detail is light. Heavy idea, silly detail. Write that down. Eight and here's your medicine, Vinny. You almost talk past the dog. The dog was the punchline. Find your funniest word and in the sentence there. You had a knockout and you kept jabbing. Trust the joke and get off the stage. And that's the class folks. Take the break up the firing, the funeral. Find the relatable truth, twist it, get specific and end on your hardest word. Comedy is just pain with good timing. This is Red Line Comedy School, class dismissed. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours. Seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep. We're up. Going through something so is he. Always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club. Open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always. Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}