{"file": "audio/vault/132_record_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 223.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 31.64, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 31.64, "end": 34.04, "text": "Tonight's spotless record versus felon."}, {"start": 34.04, "end": 35.44, "text": "And I'm your reigning felon."}, {"start": 35.44, "end": 38.04, "text": "Well, R-E-D-U-C-E-D to a misdemeanor now,"}, {"start": 38.04, "end": 40.44, "text": "which means I leveled up my crime like a video game."}, {"start": 40.44, "end": 41.84, "text": "But it don't matter, folks."}, {"start": 41.84, "end": 44.84, "text": "Every job application still asks the same question."}, {"start": 44.84, "end": 46.04, "text": "Have you ever been arrested?"}, {"start": 46.04, "end": 50.84, "text": "And I gotta check yes, then explain my whole 19th year to a 23-year-old in HR."}, {"start": 50.84, "end": 52.84, "text": "Clean record, folks, come at me."}, {"start": 52.84, "end": 55.64, "text": "Nigel, you got a security clearance fire."}, {"start": 55.64, "end": 62.23, "text": "Jesse, I've got five levels of clearance, no tickets,"}, {"start": 62.23, "end": 65.03, "text": "and a record far cleaner than yours will ever be."}, {"start": 65.03, "end": 68.63, "text": "Your one box on a form away from permanently unemployable."}, {"start": 77.86, "end": 81.06, "text": "Nigel, you got a spotless record because you've never done anything."}, {"start": 81.06, "end": 83.66, "text": "You're so clean you've never even been tempted."}, {"start": 83.66, "end": 84.86, "text": "I got reformed."}, {"start": 84.86, "end": 91.85, "text": "You just got boring."}, {"start": 91.85, "end": 93.65, "text": "All protein, one personality."}, {"start": 93.65, "end": 95.85, "text": "The Jim Bro who skipped leg day in therapy."}, {"start": 95.85, "end": 99.89, "text": "Skip!"}, {"start": 99.89, "end": 101.89, "text": "I've never been arrested, bro,"}, {"start": 101.89, "end": 107.7, "text": "mostly because I run faster than the cops."}, {"start": 107.7, "end": 110.9, "text": "Jesse, they knocked your felony down to a misdemeanor"}, {"start": 110.9, "end": 114.1, "text": "and the form still asks if you've been arrested."}, {"start": 114.1, "end": 123.5, "text": "That's like a divorce that follows you to every wedding."}, {"start": 123.5, "end": 127.3, "text": "He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos."}, {"start": 127.3, "end": 133.54, "text": "The roast physician is in, Doc Burn."}, {"start": 133.54, "end": 135.74, "text": "Jesse, you paid your debt to society,"}, {"start": 135.74, "end": 143.61, "text": "and society still sends you a follow-up invoice."}, {"start": 143.61, "end": 145.01, "text": "And here's the truth, folks."}, {"start": 145.01, "end": 148.01, "text": "I caught a felony at 19, got it knocked down to a misdemeanor,"}, {"start": 148.01, "end": 150.21, "text": "paid every dime, served every day."}, {"start": 150.21, "end": 154.61, "text": "And 30 years later, a job application can still make me feel like a teenager in handcuffs."}, {"start": 154.61, "end": 156.01, "text": "Here's what nobody tells you."}, {"start": 156.01, "end": 158.41, "text": "The system lets you out, but the question keeps you in."}, {"start": 158.41, "end": 159.21, "text": "But you know what?"}, {"start": 159.21, "end": 162.41, "text": "I stopped applying for jobs that needed my permission to forgive me."}, {"start": 162.41, "end": 163.61, "text": "I built my own."}, {"start": 163.61, "end": 167.01, "text": "The hero gets the last lap and he checks his own box now."}, {"start": 167.01, "end": 169.01, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 169.01, "end": 170.41, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 170.41, "end": 178.48, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 178.48, "end": 184.48, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day"}, {"start": 184.48, "end": 186.68, "text": "of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 186.68, "end": 189.68, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 189.68, "end": 192.28, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week,"}, {"start": 192.28, "end": 195.88, "text": "fresh standup, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 195.88, "end": 197.88, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 197.88, "end": 201.28, "text": "Going through something so is he, always."}, {"start": 201.28, "end": 203.68, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 203.68, "end": 207.28, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 207.28, "end": 210.08, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 210.08, "end": 211.28, "text": "Open all night."}, {"start": 211.28, "end": 215.28, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 215.28, "end": 217.68, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 217.68, "end": 218.68, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Tonight's spotless record versus felon. And I'm your reigning felon. Well, R-E-D-U-C-E-D to a misdemeanor now, which means I leveled up my crime like a video game. But it don't matter, folks. Every job application still asks the same question. Have you ever been arrested? And I gotta check yes, then explain my whole 19th year to a 23-year-old in HR. Clean record, folks, come at me. Nigel, you got a security clearance fire. Jesse, I've got five levels of clearance, no tickets, and a record far cleaner than yours will ever be. Your one box on a form away from permanently unemployable. Nigel, you got a spotless record because you've never done anything. You're so clean you've never even been tempted. I got reformed. You just got boring. All protein, one personality. The Jim Bro who skipped leg day in therapy. Skip! I've never been arrested, bro, mostly because I run faster than the cops. Jesse, they knocked your felony down to a misdemeanor and the form still asks if you've been arrested. That's like a divorce that follows you to every wedding. He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos. The roast physician is in, Doc Burn. Jesse, you paid your debt to society, and society still sends you a follow-up invoice. And here's the truth, folks. I caught a felony at 19, got it knocked down to a misdemeanor, paid every dime, served every day. And 30 years later, a job application can still make me feel like a teenager in handcuffs. Here's what nobody tells you. The system lets you out, but the question keeps you in. But you know what? I stopped applying for jobs that needed my permission to forgive me. I built my own. The hero gets the last lap and he checks his own box now. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh standup, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club. Open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}