{"file": "audio/vault/131_old_young_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 242.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 18.94, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software,"}, {"start": 18.94, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 28.14, "text": "We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 33.44, "text": "Tonight Old Versus Young,"}, {"start": 33.44, "end": 37.24, "text": "I'm 50, too old for TikTok and too young for the early bird special."}, {"start": 37.24, "end": 39.64, "text": "I'm the comedy equivalent of a flip phone."}, {"start": 39.64, "end": 43.64, "text": "Youngblood's old timers, let's Geo, Pixel Fire."}, {"start": 43.64, "end": 49.2, "text": "Raised by Wi-Fi and Rage Quits,"}, {"start": 49.2, "end": 51.8, "text": "the chaos Gremlin himself, Pixel!"}, {"start": 51.8, "end": 58.68, "text": "Hopps, you're so old your first world cup was an actual war."}, {"start": 58.68, "end": 60.48, "text": "You don't even know what's trending."}, {"start": 60.48, "end": 64.28, "text": "There's a baby monkey online getting more emotional support right now"}, {"start": 64.28, "end": 67.48, "text": "than your whole generation gave each other in 80 years."}, {"start": 67.68, "end": 79.4, "text": "Older than your house, healthier than your group chat,"}, {"start": 79.4, "end": 81.2, "text": "Grandpa's got no breaks."}, {"start": 81.2, "end": 85.54, "text": "Pops!"}, {"start": 85.54, "end": 86.94, "text": "Son, I'm 81."}, {"start": 86.94, "end": 90.14, "text": "I have buried people younger than your attention span."}, {"start": 90.14, "end": 93.74, "text": "Your kids cried for a week over an Olivia Rodrigo album."}, {"start": 93.74, "end": 96.14, "text": "In my day, we had real problems."}, {"start": 96.14, "end": 107.39, "text": "Polio and our fathers."}, {"start": 107.39, "end": 110.79, "text": "She showed up late, loud, and somehow funnier than all of you."}, {"start": 110.79, "end": 117.34, "text": "The party that never RSVPs, yes."}, {"start": 117.34, "end": 120.54, "text": "Pops, you think House of the Dragon is a Chinese restaurant?"}, {"start": 120.54, "end": 122.94, "text": "Young people built the entire internet."}, {"start": 122.94, "end": 126.74, "text": "Old people built a recliner-shaped dent and a list of grievances."}, {"start": 126.74, "end": 137.59, "text": "Honey, your generation does a little dance on the phone"}, {"start": 137.59, "end": 139.59, "text": "for a living and calls it a career."}, {"start": 139.59, "end": 142.59, "text": "I worked 40 years and the only trend I ever followed"}, {"start": 142.59, "end": 144.59, "text": "was my husband to his grave."}, {"start": 144.59, "end": 152.18, "text": "See, I'm 50."}, {"start": 152.18, "end": 153.98, "text": "I remember a world before phones"}, {"start": 153.98, "end": 155.38, "text": "and I know what Rizz is,"}, {"start": 155.38, "end": 161.37, "text": "which makes me too cultured for either of you."}, {"start": 161.37, "end": 170.88, "text": "Jesse 50 in single, you're not old or young, you're expired."}, {"start": 170.88, "end": 172.48, "text": "And that's the war, folks."}, {"start": 172.68, "end": 174.68, "text": "Young old, one of you can't pay attention."}, {"start": 174.68, "end": 176.28, "text": "The other can't pay for the medication."}, {"start": 176.28, "end": 177.68, "text": "And I'm stuck in the middle at 50."}, {"start": 177.68, "end": 180.28, "text": "Googling is my back pain, a world cup injury."}, {"start": 180.28, "end": 182.08, "text": "We all get old, we all were young"}, {"start": 182.08, "end": 184.68, "text": "and we all end up confused by the remote."}, {"start": 184.68, "end": 186.48, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh."}, {"start": 186.48, "end": 194.78, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 194.78, "end": 197.38, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 197.38, "end": 201.58, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour"}, {"start": 201.58, "end": 205.58, "text": "of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 205.58, "end": 209.78, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours,"}, {"start": 209.78, "end": 211.18, "text": "seven days a week."}, {"start": 211.18, "end": 214.58, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 214.58, "end": 216.58, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 216.58, "end": 220.18, "text": "Going through something so is he, always."}, {"start": 220.18, "end": 222.38, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 222.38, "end": 225.98, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 225.98, "end": 227.38, "text": "Before the dark winds,"}, {"start": 227.38, "end": 229.98, "text": "the Red Line Comedy Club open all night"}, {"start": 229.98, "end": 231.58, "text": "because somewhere out there,"}, {"start": 231.58, "end": 233.98, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 233.98, "end": 236.38, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 236.38, "end": 237.38, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Tonight Old Versus Young, I'm 50, too old for TikTok and too young for the early bird special. I'm the comedy equivalent of a flip phone. Youngblood's old timers, let's Geo, Pixel Fire. Raised by Wi-Fi and Rage Quits, the chaos Gremlin himself, Pixel! Hopps, you're so old your first world cup was an actual war. You don't even know what's trending. There's a baby monkey online getting more emotional support right now than your whole generation gave each other in 80 years. Older than your house, healthier than your group chat, Grandpa's got no breaks. Pops! Son, I'm 81. I have buried people younger than your attention span. Your kids cried for a week over an Olivia Rodrigo album. In my day, we had real problems. Polio and our fathers. She showed up late, loud, and somehow funnier than all of you. The party that never RSVPs, yes. Pops, you think House of the Dragon is a Chinese restaurant? Young people built the entire internet. Old people built a recliner-shaped dent and a list of grievances. Honey, your generation does a little dance on the phone for a living and calls it a career. I worked 40 years and the only trend I ever followed was my husband to his grave. See, I'm 50. I remember a world before phones and I know what Rizz is, which makes me too cultured for either of you. Jesse 50 in single, you're not old or young, you're expired. And that's the war, folks. Young old, one of you can't pay attention. The other can't pay for the medication. And I'm stuck in the middle at 50. Googling is my back pain, a world cup injury. We all get old, we all were young and we all end up confused by the remote. The hero gets the last laugh. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}