{"file": "audio/vault/129_nojokes_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 231.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.04, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.04, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 28.24, "text": "We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.24, "end": 33.54, "text": "Tonight's a special help, folks."}, {"start": 33.54, "end": 36.04, "text": "It's open Mike Knight and nobody brought a joke."}, {"start": 36.04, "end": 40.34, "text": "These comics signed up with full confidence and absolutely zero material."}, {"start": 40.34, "end": 41.84, "text": "Let's watch him die."}, {"start": 41.84, "end": 44.64, "text": "First up Mickey, who I'm told prepared nothing."}, {"start": 44.64, "end": 51.84, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 51.84, "end": 53.34, "text": "Your every man of error?"}, {"start": 53.34, "end": 54.34, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 54.34, "end": 60.74, "text": "So I was driving here today and there was traffic."}, {"start": 60.74, "end": 63.24, "text": "And um, yeah, that's pretty much it."}, {"start": 63.24, "end": 70.88, "text": "A premise with no punchline Mickey."}, {"start": 70.88, "end": 72.88, "text": "That's not a joke. That's a hostage video."}, {"start": 72.88, "end": 73.88, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 73.88, "end": 77.38, "text": "From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time."}, {"start": 77.48, "end": 80.28, "text": "The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor."}, {"start": 80.28, "end": 81.28, "text": "Vinnie."}, {"start": 81.28, "end": 86.46, "text": "Okay, so marriage on my right."}, {"start": 86.46, "end": 88.36, "text": "Marriage. You know what I mean."}, {"start": 88.36, "end": 97.14, "text": "You know what I mean is what a comic says when even he doesn't know what he means."}, {"start": 97.14, "end": 98.14, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 98.14, "end": 100.64, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 100.64, "end": 102.64, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit."}, {"start": 102.64, "end": 104.14, "text": "Queen Stank."}, {"start": 104.14, "end": 108.94, "text": "I don't really have material."}, {"start": 108.94, "end": 111.74, "text": "I just have energy and unresolved trauma."}, {"start": 111.74, "end": 114.54, "text": "So how's everybody doing tonight?"}, {"start": 114.54, "end": 124.84, "text": "She opened and closed with how's everybody doing."}, {"start": 124.94, "end": 126.94, "text": "That's not a set. That's a waiting room."}, {"start": 126.94, "end": 127.94, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 127.94, "end": 129.94, "text": "All protein, one personality."}, {"start": 129.94, "end": 132.24, "text": "The Jim Bro who skipped leg day in therapy."}, {"start": 132.24, "end": 133.24, "text": "Skip."}, {"start": 133.24, "end": 138.28, "text": "I work out. That's the bids."}, {"start": 142.78, "end": 144.58, "text": "Skip. I work out is not a joke."}, {"start": 144.58, "end": 145.78, "text": "It's a doctor's note."}, {"start": 145.78, "end": 146.78, "text": "Next."}, {"start": 146.78, "end": 147.98, "text": "I had a joke."}, {"start": 147.98, "end": 156.28, "text": "But I left it in the car with my dignity."}, {"start": 156.28, "end": 158.28, "text": "And that's open my night, folks."}, {"start": 158.28, "end": 161.78, "text": "Five comics, zero jokes and a silence in this room you could bill for."}, {"start": 161.78, "end": 162.88, "text": "Here's the lesson."}, {"start": 163.28, "end": 168.28, "text": "Anybody can grab a mic but a joke needs a set up and a punch line not vibes and an apology."}, {"start": 168.28, "end": 171.28, "text": "These idiots brought neither and that's why I'm the headliner."}, {"start": 171.28, "end": 175.18, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh mostly because he's the only one who brought one."}, {"start": 175.18, "end": 176.58, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 176.58, "end": 183.71, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 183.71, "end": 186.11, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 186.11, "end": 192.91, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new"}, {"start": 192.91, "end": 198.31, "text": "comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours."}, {"start": 198.31, "end": 203.31, "text": "Seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated."}, {"start": 203.31, "end": 204.31, "text": "Can't sleep."}, {"start": 204.31, "end": 205.31, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 205.31, "end": 211.11, "text": "Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 211.11, "end": 216.11, "text": "Go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins."}, {"start": 216.11, "end": 220.31, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there."}, {"start": 220.31, "end": 222.71, "text": "It is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 222.71, "end": 225.11, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention."}, {"start": 225.11, "end": 226.11, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Tonight's a special help, folks. It's open Mike Knight and nobody brought a joke. These comics signed up with full confidence and absolutely zero material. Let's watch him die. First up Mickey, who I'm told prepared nothing. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. Your every man of error? Mickey! So I was driving here today and there was traffic. And um, yeah, that's pretty much it. A premise with no punchline Mickey. That's not a joke. That's a hostage video. Next. From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time. The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor. Vinnie. Okay, so marriage on my right. Marriage. You know what I mean. You know what I mean is what a comic says when even he doesn't know what he means. Next. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit. Queen Stank. I don't really have material. I just have energy and unresolved trauma. So how's everybody doing tonight? She opened and closed with how's everybody doing. That's not a set. That's a waiting room. Next. All protein, one personality. The Jim Bro who skipped leg day in therapy. Skip. I work out. That's the bids. Skip. I work out is not a joke. It's a doctor's note. Next. I had a joke. But I left it in the car with my dignity. And that's open my night, folks. Five comics, zero jokes and a silence in this room you could bill for. Here's the lesson. Anybody can grab a mic but a joke needs a set up and a punch line not vibes and an apology. These idiots brought neither and that's why I'm the headliner. The hero gets the last laugh mostly because he's the only one who brought one. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours. Seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated. Can't sleep. We're up. Going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins. The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there. It is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}