{"file": "audio/vault/127_lawyer_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 242.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 18.94, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software,"}, {"start": 18.94, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 28.24, "text": "We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.24, "end": 33.94, "text": "Tonight Good Lawyer vs. Free Lawyer."}, {"start": 33.94, "end": 36.74, "text": "And folks, I owe my entire life to this topic."}, {"start": 36.84, "end": 40.54, "text": "At 19, facing a felony, I had the best lawyer money could barely buy,"}, {"start": 40.54, "end": 42.24, "text": "and he got me a hung jury."}, {"start": 42.24, "end": 45.74, "text": "A hung jury. That's 12 people who couldn't agree I was guilty,"}, {"start": 45.74, "end": 49.24, "text": "which is more agreement than I've ever gotten from a family or a fiance."}, {"start": 49.24, "end": 52.24, "text": "Public defender, folks, fire, doc burn."}, {"start": 52.24, "end": 59.57, "text": "He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos."}, {"start": 59.57, "end": 62.57, "text": "The roast physician is in, doc burn."}, {"start": 62.57, "end": 68.01, "text": "Jesse, you got a hung jury at 19."}, {"start": 68.01, "end": 71.51, "text": "A good lawyer didn't save your life. He just delayed the sequel."}, {"start": 78.12, "end": 81.62, "text": "Doc burn you joke, but a free attorney would have had me signing a plea deal"}, {"start": 81.62, "end": 83.62, "text": "before he even learned my name."}, {"start": 83.62, "end": 85.62, "text": "A good lawyer says we fight."}, {"start": 85.62, "end": 94.37, "text": "A free lawyer says, have you considered just going to prison?"}, {"start": 94.37, "end": 98.17, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade?"}, {"start": 98.17, "end": 99.67, "text": "You're every man of error?"}, {"start": 99.67, "end": 104.01, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 104.01, "end": 106.51, "text": "I had a public defender once, Jesse."}, {"start": 106.51, "end": 109.41, "text": "He showed up late, called me by the wrong name,"}, {"start": 109.41, "end": 115.35, "text": "and fell asleep during my own trial."}, {"start": 115.35, "end": 117.05, "text": "In my neighborhood, Jesse,"}, {"start": 117.05, "end": 121.55, "text": "a free lawyer is just a guy in a suit telling you which prison has the best food."}, {"start": 121.55, "end": 123.05, "text": "You got a hung jury."}, {"start": 123.05, "end": 132.46, "text": "That's not a lawyer. That's a miracle with a briefcase."}, {"start": 132.46, "end": 134.46, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 134.46, "end": 141.03, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank!"}, {"start": 141.03, "end": 146.03, "text": "Jesse, a good lawyer and somebody up there both showed up for you at 19."}, {"start": 146.03, "end": 149.03, "text": "And you still managed to mess up the next 30 years."}, {"start": 149.03, "end": 153.03, "text": "That's a man determined to lose on his own terms."}, {"start": 158.94, "end": 160.44, "text": "And here's the truth, folks."}, {"start": 160.44, "end": 163.94, "text": "At 19, a good lawyer and somebody up there teamed up to give me a hung jury"}, {"start": 163.94, "end": 165.94, "text": "and I'm standing here tonight because of it."}, {"start": 165.94, "end": 168.94, "text": "A free attorney and my life is over before it started."}, {"start": 168.94, "end": 171.94, "text": "No comedy, no empire, no dogs, just a number."}, {"start": 171.94, "end": 174.94, "text": "So when people ask why I bet everything on myself now,"}, {"start": 174.94, "end": 177.44, "text": "because the day 12 strangers couldn't agree to bury me,"}, {"start": 177.44, "end": 180.94, "text": "I decided to spend the rest of my life proving them right to hesitate."}, {"start": 180.94, "end": 182.94, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh."}, {"start": 182.94, "end": 186.44, "text": "And he owes it to a good lawyer and the man upstairs."}, {"start": 186.44, "end": 194.6, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 194.6, "end": 197.1, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 197.1, "end": 203.1, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day"}, {"start": 203.1, "end": 205.1, "text": "of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 205.1, "end": 210.6, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 210.6, "end": 214.1, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 214.1, "end": 216.1, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 216.1, "end": 219.6, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 219.6, "end": 222.1, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 222.1, "end": 225.6, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 225.6, "end": 229.6, "text": "Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club, open all night."}, {"start": 229.6, "end": 233.6, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 233.6, "end": 236.1, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 236.1, "end": 237.1, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Tonight Good Lawyer vs. Free Lawyer. And folks, I owe my entire life to this topic. At 19, facing a felony, I had the best lawyer money could barely buy, and he got me a hung jury. A hung jury. That's 12 people who couldn't agree I was guilty, which is more agreement than I've ever gotten from a family or a fiance. Public defender, folks, fire, doc burn. He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos. The roast physician is in, doc burn. Jesse, you got a hung jury at 19. A good lawyer didn't save your life. He just delayed the sequel. Doc burn you joke, but a free attorney would have had me signing a plea deal before he even learned my name. A good lawyer says we fight. A free lawyer says, have you considered just going to prison? Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade? You're every man of error? Mickey! I had a public defender once, Jesse. He showed up late, called me by the wrong name, and fell asleep during my own trial. In my neighborhood, Jesse, a free lawyer is just a guy in a suit telling you which prison has the best food. You got a hung jury. That's not a lawyer. That's a miracle with a briefcase. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank! Jesse, a good lawyer and somebody up there both showed up for you at 19. And you still managed to mess up the next 30 years. That's a man determined to lose on his own terms. And here's the truth, folks. At 19, a good lawyer and somebody up there teamed up to give me a hung jury and I'm standing here tonight because of it. A free attorney and my life is over before it started. No comedy, no empire, no dogs, just a number. So when people ask why I bet everything on myself now, because the day 12 strangers couldn't agree to bury me, I decided to spend the rest of my life proving them right to hesitate. The hero gets the last laugh. And he owes it to a good lawyer and the man upstairs. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club, open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}