{"file": "audio/vault/125_july4_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 363.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 31.54, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 31.54, "end": 35.54, "text": "Laddies and gentlemen, it's the Red Line 4th of July Spectacular,"}, {"start": 35.54, "end": 39.74, "text": "adults only, no kids, no family, which is perfect because tonight's host"}, {"start": 39.74, "end": 41.94, "text": "hasn't spoken to his in 12 years."}, {"start": 41.94, "end": 53.78, "text": "Give it up for the most independent man in America, Jesse!"}, {"start": 53.78, "end": 55.78, "text": "Happy 4th of July you degenerates."}, {"start": 55.78, "end": 57.78, "text": "Everybody's celebrating independence."}, {"start": 57.78, "end": 61.38, "text": "Me. I've been independent from my entire family for 12 years."}, {"start": 61.38, "end": 63.38, "text": "While you watch fireworks with your loved ones,"}, {"start": 63.38, "end": 66.78, "text": "I'm watching mine with three dogs and a microwave dinner for one."}, {"start": 66.78, "end": 68.38, "text": "People ask if I'm lonely."}, {"start": 68.38, "end": 70.58, "text": "Lonely? I got three dogs."}, {"start": 70.58, "end": 75.58, "text": "I'm the only single man in America getting woken up at 3 a.m. by someone who actually needs me."}, {"start": 75.58, "end": 77.58, "text": "My family cut me off."}, {"start": 77.58, "end": 78.58, "text": "My fiancee's cut me off."}, {"start": 78.58, "end": 83.58, "text": "The only things that never left are these dogs and that's just because I control the food."}, {"start": 83.58, "end": 87.58, "text": "Tonight it's guys versus girls and they are all gonna roast me"}, {"start": 87.58, "end": 91.58, "text": "because apparently that's the one thing that brings my family together too."}, {"start": 91.58, "end": 93.58, "text": "Mickey start the war."}, {"start": 93.58, "end": 114.31, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 114.31, "end": 115.31, "text": "You're every man of error?"}, {"start": 115.31, "end": 116.31, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 120.61, "end": 121.61, "text": "Happy 4th."}, {"start": 121.61, "end": 126.61, "text": "Independence Day, the one day I celebrate being free, mostly from women."}, {"start": 126.61, "end": 132.61, "text": "Queenstank, no offense but your dating profile should come with a hard hat and a tetanus shot."}, {"start": 133.61, "end": 140.22, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 140.22, "end": 142.22, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit."}, {"start": 142.22, "end": 147.35, "text": "Queenstank!"}, {"start": 147.35, "end": 152.35, "text": "Mickey, you wouldn't know what to do with a woman if she came with instructions and a warranty."}, {"start": 152.35, "end": 156.35, "text": "And Jesse, 12 years no family, three dogs, single."}, {"start": 157.35, "end": 159.35, "text": "Baby, that's not independence."}, {"start": 159.35, "end": 162.35, "text": "That's a missing person's case, nobody bothered to file."}, {"start": 162.35, "end": 177.94, "text": "From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time."}, {"start": 177.94, "end": 180.94, "text": "The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor."}, {"start": 180.94, "end": 184.94, "text": "Vinnie!"}, {"start": 184.94, "end": 188.94, "text": "Queen, you've been single so long your last good night kiss was from a breathalyzer."}, {"start": 188.94, "end": 204.87, "text": "Me, I'm married 18 years, which on the 4th of July means I know exactly what occupied territory feels like."}, {"start": 204.87, "end": 208.87, "text": "Vinnie, 18 years married and you still flinch when she reaches for the remote."}, {"start": 208.87, "end": 212.87, "text": "And Jesse, honey, three dogs and no family, at least the dogs have an excuse."}, {"start": 212.87, "end": 214.87, "text": "They can't read your texts either."}, {"start": 214.87, "end": 227.13, "text": "Nana, you're so old, your first crush signed the Declaration of Independence."}, {"start": 227.13, "end": 230.13, "text": "Me, I'm Italian, we don't do independence."}, {"start": 230.13, "end": 233.13, "text": "My mother still cuts my food and I'm 53."}, {"start": 233.13, "end": 237.13, "text": "Jesse, 12 years from your family, in my family, that's called Tuesday."}, {"start": 237.13, "end": 249.57, "text": "Loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county."}, {"start": 249.57, "end": 252.57, "text": "She loves you, she'll bury you big mama!"}, {"start": 252.57, "end": 258.61, "text": "Jerry, you talk big but you cried at a car commercial last week."}, {"start": 258.61, "end": 262.61, "text": "And all you men, this is why we stay single ladies look at the options."}, {"start": 262.61, "end": 269.61, "text": "Jesse, three dogs baby, you didn't choose dogs, the women left and the dogs were just too dumb to pack."}, {"start": 269.61, "end": 278.97, "text": "Big mama with the kill shot."}, {"start": 278.97, "end": 282.97, "text": "Alright, that's the war folks, guys, girls, everybody lost especially me."}, {"start": 282.97, "end": 284.97, "text": "Here's the truth on this 4th of July."}, {"start": 284.97, "end": 289.97, "text": "12 years ago my family let me go, three fiances let me go but these three dumb dogs they never will."}, {"start": 289.97, "end": 291.97, "text": "So this is my independence day."}, {"start": 291.97, "end": 295.97, "text": "Free from everybody who could break my heart except the three who never know how."}, {"start": 295.97, "end": 297.97, "text": "Happy 4th from Red Line."}, {"start": 297.97, "end": 300.97, "text": "Now go blow something up that isn't your whole life like I did."}, {"start": 300.97, "end": 301.97, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 301.97, "end": 325.66, "text": "And that is our show but the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 325.66, "end": 329.66, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 329.66, "end": 331.66, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 331.66, "end": 335.66, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 335.66, "end": 337.66, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 337.66, "end": 339.66, "text": "Going through something, so is he."}, {"start": 339.66, "end": 340.66, "text": "Always."}, {"start": 340.66, "end": 342.66, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 342.66, "end": 346.66, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 346.66, "end": 354.66, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 354.66, "end": 356.66, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 356.66, "end": 357.66, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Laddies and gentlemen, it's the Red Line 4th of July Spectacular, adults only, no kids, no family, which is perfect because tonight's host hasn't spoken to his in 12 years. Give it up for the most independent man in America, Jesse! Happy 4th of July you degenerates. Everybody's celebrating independence. Me. I've been independent from my entire family for 12 years. While you watch fireworks with your loved ones, I'm watching mine with three dogs and a microwave dinner for one. People ask if I'm lonely. Lonely? I got three dogs. I'm the only single man in America getting woken up at 3 a.m. by someone who actually needs me. My family cut me off. My fiancee's cut me off. The only things that never left are these dogs and that's just because I control the food. Tonight it's guys versus girls and they are all gonna roast me because apparently that's the one thing that brings my family together too. Mickey start the war. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. You're every man of error? Mickey! Happy 4th. Independence Day, the one day I celebrate being free, mostly from women. Queenstank, no offense but your dating profile should come with a hard hat and a tetanus shot. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit. Queenstank! Mickey, you wouldn't know what to do with a woman if she came with instructions and a warranty. And Jesse, 12 years no family, three dogs, single. Baby, that's not independence. That's a missing person's case, nobody bothered to file. From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time. The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor. Vinnie! Queen, you've been single so long your last good night kiss was from a breathalyzer. Me, I'm married 18 years, which on the 4th of July means I know exactly what occupied territory feels like. Vinnie, 18 years married and you still flinch when she reaches for the remote. And Jesse, honey, three dogs and no family, at least the dogs have an excuse. They can't read your texts either. Nana, you're so old, your first crush signed the Declaration of Independence. Me, I'm Italian, we don't do independence. My mother still cuts my food and I'm 53. Jesse, 12 years from your family, in my family, that's called Tuesday. Loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county. She loves you, she'll bury you big mama! Jerry, you talk big but you cried at a car commercial last week. And all you men, this is why we stay single ladies look at the options. Jesse, three dogs baby, you didn't choose dogs, the women left and the dogs were just too dumb to pack. Big mama with the kill shot. Alright, that's the war folks, guys, girls, everybody lost especially me. Here's the truth on this 4th of July. 12 years ago my family let me go, three fiances let me go but these three dumb dogs they never will. So this is my independence day. Free from everybody who could break my heart except the three who never know how. Happy 4th from Red Line. Now go blow something up that isn't your whole life like I did. Good night. And that is our show but the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he. Always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}