{"file": "audio/vault/122_home_rent_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 222.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 18.94, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software,"}, {"start": 18.94, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 28.14, "text": "We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 33.64, "text": "Tonight, Homeowner vs. Renter"}, {"start": 33.64, "end": 36.24, "text": "and I'm a proud homeowner which means I own a house,"}, {"start": 36.24, "end": 40.24, "text": "a 30-year mortgage and 40 more years of being too broke to ever leave it."}, {"start": 40.24, "end": 43.04, "text": "I can't move, I can't sell, but I am thankful,"}, {"start": 43.04, "end": 46.84, "text": "because misery is a whole lot nicer under a roof you technically own."}, {"start": 46.84, "end": 53.27, "text": "Renters come at me, Mickey, you know mad fire."}, {"start": 53.27, "end": 57.07, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 57.07, "end": 59.87, "text": "You're every man of error, Mickey!"}, {"start": 59.87, "end": 65.04, "text": "Jesse, you don't own a home."}, {"start": 65.04, "end": 67.64, "text": "The bank owns a home and lets you sleep in it."}, {"start": 67.84, "end": 80.84, "text": "You're not a homeowner, you're a long-term hostage with a lawn."}, {"start": 80.84, "end": 83.84, "text": "Mickey, you've rented the same apartment 15 years."}, {"start": 83.84, "end": 87.44, "text": "That's not freedom, that's paying off somebody else's beach house,"}, {"start": 87.44, "end": 89.04, "text": "one check at a time."}, {"start": 89.04, "end": 97.22, "text": "At least my landlord is a bank that can't judge me."}, {"start": 97.22, "end": 99.42, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 99.42, "end": 105.93, "text": "All hail the queen of the burn unit, queen's stank!"}, {"start": 105.93, "end": 108.93, "text": "I rent, and I can leave anytime I want."}, {"start": 108.93, "end": 110.93, "text": "You're stuck in a house you can't sell."}, {"start": 110.93, "end": 113.13, "text": "With a yard you can't afford to mow."}, {"start": 113.13, "end": 119.0, "text": "Slowly becoming one with the recliner."}, {"start": 119.0, "end": 122.0, "text": "From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time."}, {"start": 122.0, "end": 129.01, "text": "The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor, Vinnie."}, {"start": 129.01, "end": 131.61, "text": "I own two Jesse, the American dream."}, {"start": 131.61, "end": 136.21, "text": "Worked 30 years to own a box you'll eventually die in and call it an investment."}, {"start": 142.26, "end": 143.86, "text": "And that's the war, folks."}, {"start": 143.86, "end": 147.06, "text": "Own rent, one of you throws money away, the others chain to a foundation,"}, {"start": 147.06, "end": 149.26, "text": "and we all just want somewhere to cry in private."}, {"start": 149.26, "end": 153.26, "text": "Truth is I'm paying for this house till I'm 90, I can't move and I can't sell."}, {"start": 153.26, "end": 157.46, "text": "But you know what, I got a door that locks three dogs and a mortgage with my name on it."}, {"start": 157.46, "end": 160.66, "text": "And after the life I've had being trapped somewhere that's actually mine,"}, {"start": 160.66, "end": 163.46, "text": "that's the most stable relationship I've ever had."}, {"start": 163.46, "end": 166.86, "text": "Thankful as hell, the hero gets the last laugh."}, {"start": 166.86, "end": 169.26, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 169.26, "end": 177.39, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 177.39, "end": 183.39, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour, of every single day,"}, {"start": 183.39, "end": 185.59, "text": "of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 185.59, "end": 191.19, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 191.19, "end": 194.59, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 194.59, "end": 196.59, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 196.59, "end": 200.19, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 200.19, "end": 202.59, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 202.59, "end": 205.99, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 205.99, "end": 209.99, "text": "Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night."}, {"start": 209.99, "end": 213.99, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 214.39, "end": 216.79, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 216.79, "end": 217.79, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Tonight, Homeowner vs. Renter and I'm a proud homeowner which means I own a house, a 30-year mortgage and 40 more years of being too broke to ever leave it. I can't move, I can't sell, but I am thankful, because misery is a whole lot nicer under a roof you technically own. Renters come at me, Mickey, you know mad fire. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. You're every man of error, Mickey! Jesse, you don't own a home. The bank owns a home and lets you sleep in it. You're not a homeowner, you're a long-term hostage with a lawn. Mickey, you've rented the same apartment 15 years. That's not freedom, that's paying off somebody else's beach house, one check at a time. At least my landlord is a bank that can't judge me. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the queen of the burn unit, queen's stank! I rent, and I can leave anytime I want. You're stuck in a house you can't sell. With a yard you can't afford to mow. Slowly becoming one with the recliner. From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time. The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor, Vinnie. I own two Jesse, the American dream. Worked 30 years to own a box you'll eventually die in and call it an investment. And that's the war, folks. Own rent, one of you throws money away, the others chain to a foundation, and we all just want somewhere to cry in private. Truth is I'm paying for this house till I'm 90, I can't move and I can't sell. But you know what, I got a door that locks three dogs and a mortgage with my name on it. And after the life I've had being trapped somewhere that's actually mine, that's the most stable relationship I've ever had. Thankful as hell, the hero gets the last laugh. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour, of every single day, of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark wins, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}