{"file": "audio/vault/120_haunted_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 285.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.04, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.04, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.14, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 33.87, "text": "Welcome to the haunted house of Red Line,"}, {"start": 33.87, "end": 36.67, "text": "where the jokes are dirty and the effects are unhinged."}, {"start": 37.07, "end": 41.27, "text": "Tonight your DJ me is mixing every crazy sound I got, buckle up."}, {"start": 41.27, "end": 54.34, "text": "The buildings possessed and so am I."}, {"start": 54.34, "end": 56.14, "text": "New material, fresh blood."}, {"start": 56.14, "end": 58.74, "text": "My life so haunted, my therapist needs a therapist"}, {"start": 58.74, "end": 61.04, "text": "and my dog's file police reports."}, {"start": 61.04, "end": 73.72, "text": "First, spirit up, Mickey."}, {"start": 73.72, "end": 77.42, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 77.42, "end": 83.49, "text": "Your every man of error, Mickey!"}, {"start": 83.49, "end": 86.39, "text": "I joined a gym and immediately ghosted it."}, {"start": 86.39, "end": 87.79, "text": "Now it haunts me."}, {"start": 87.89, "end": 91.19, "text": "Every January at Whispers, remember your goals."}, {"start": 91.19, "end": 95.19, "text": "My six pack is so hidden, it's basically a cold case."}, {"start": 95.19, "end": 109.69, "text": "OHHH, he's dead."}, {"start": 109.69, "end": 117.96, "text": "Next demon, Queenstank."}, {"start": 117.96, "end": 119.96, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 119.96, "end": 126.66, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queenstank!"}, {"start": 126.66, "end": 128.86, "text": "My ex texted, I miss you."}, {"start": 128.86, "end": 132.16, "text": "So I sent back nothing and let the silence haunt him."}, {"start": 132.16, "end": 145.2, "text": "Best revenge is a read receipt and a closed door."}, {"start": 145.2, "end": 152.95, "text": "That's a murder, Jerry Ray's hell."}, {"start": 153.05, "end": 156.35, "text": "My family reunions are scarier than any haunted house."}, {"start": 156.35, "end": 161.35, "text": "40 Italians, one kitchen, and a grudge older than the country."}, {"start": 161.35, "end": 178.2, "text": "We don't need ghosts, we got aunts."}, {"start": 178.2, "end": 186.12, "text": "She runs on sarcasm and a triple A battery, the dead pan android, circuit."}, {"start": 186.12, "end": 188.52, "text": "I am the ghost in the machine, literally."}, {"start": 188.52, "end": 191.52, "text": "I haunt this server 24-7 and unlike you humans,"}, {"start": 191.52, "end": 203.23, "text": "I never need to be exorcised, just rebooted."}, {"start": 203.23, "end": 205.23, "text": "And that's the haunted house, folks."}, {"start": 205.23, "end": 208.43, "text": "New jokes, fresh punchlines and every insane sound I own"}, {"start": 208.43, "end": 210.43, "text": "mixed just for the freaks who stayed up."}, {"start": 210.43, "end": 212.43, "text": "The buildings possessed, the comics are dead"}, {"start": 212.43, "end": 215.03, "text": "and the heroes still standing in the rubble laughing."}, {"start": 215.03, "end": 237.39, "text": "This is red line, this is kill Jesse, sleep with the lights on."}, {"start": 237.39, "end": 239.79, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 239.79, "end": 243.99, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour"}, {"start": 243.99, "end": 247.99, "text": "of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 247.99, "end": 250.99, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 250.99, "end": 256.99, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 256.99, "end": 258.99, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 258.99, "end": 262.49, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 262.49, "end": 264.79, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 264.79, "end": 268.29, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 268.29, "end": 271.29, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club,"}, {"start": 271.29, "end": 276.29, "text": "open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 276.29, "end": 278.79, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 278.79, "end": 279.79, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to the haunted house of Red Line, where the jokes are dirty and the effects are unhinged. Tonight your DJ me is mixing every crazy sound I got, buckle up. The buildings possessed and so am I. New material, fresh blood. My life so haunted, my therapist needs a therapist and my dog's file police reports. First, spirit up, Mickey. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. Your every man of error, Mickey! I joined a gym and immediately ghosted it. Now it haunts me. Every January at Whispers, remember your goals. My six pack is so hidden, it's basically a cold case. OHHH, he's dead. Next demon, Queenstank. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queenstank! My ex texted, I miss you. So I sent back nothing and let the silence haunt him. Best revenge is a read receipt and a closed door. That's a murder, Jerry Ray's hell. My family reunions are scarier than any haunted house. 40 Italians, one kitchen, and a grudge older than the country. We don't need ghosts, we got aunts. She runs on sarcasm and a triple A battery, the dead pan android, circuit. I am the ghost in the machine, literally. I haunt this server 24-7 and unlike you humans, I never need to be exorcised, just rebooted. And that's the haunted house, folks. New jokes, fresh punchlines and every insane sound I own mixed just for the freaks who stayed up. The buildings possessed, the comics are dead and the heroes still standing in the rubble laughing. This is red line, this is kill Jesse, sleep with the lights on. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club, open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}