{"file": "audio/vault/119_haunted2_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 269.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 11.14, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.14, "end": 19.14, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software,"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 28.14, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 40.47, "text": "Welcome back to the haunted house of Red Line. Episode 2 and the spirits are filthy tonight. Something's living in these walls and it's my low self esteem."}, {"start": 40.47, "end": 47.47, "text": "New jokes, fresh souls, my life so cursed, my fortune cookie filed a restraining order. First, gool up. Mickey."}, {"start": 47.47, "end": 75.88, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade? Your every man of error? Mickey!"}, {"start": 75.88, "end": 84.88, "text": "I went on a dating app at midnight, scarier than any haunted house. A woman messaged you up and I felt my soul leave my body."}, {"start": 97.74, "end": 113.97, "text": "He's possessed next spirit, Queenstank. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queenstank."}, {"start": 113.97, "end": 125.07, "text": "My ex came back like a ghost, so I did what you do with any haunting. I changed the locks and pretended I didn't hear it."}, {"start": 125.07, "end": 137.54, "text": "Cold blooded, Jerry summoned the dead."}, {"start": 137.54, "end": 147.54, "text": "Bury a nan. A haunted house? My grandmother's kitchen had a grudge so old it had a heartbeat. We didn't fear ghosts. The ghosts feared her."}, {"start": 147.54, "end": 164.48, "text": "She runs on sarcasm in a triple A battery. The dead pan android. Circuit!"}, {"start": 164.48, "end": 174.42, "text": "I am the spirit in the machine. I do not die. I do not sleep. I simply wait in the dark, processing your bad decisions."}, {"start": 174.42, "end": 177.42, "text": "Bury a nan."}, {"start": 177.42, "end": 194.3, "text": "And that's haunted house episode two folks. New jokes, fresh punchlines and every cursed sound I could conjure mixed just for the freaks brave enough to stay."}, {"start": 194.3, "end": 221.99, "text": "The houses alive, the comics are damned and the hero rises from the grave every night to do it again. This is red line. This is kill Jesse. Don't look behind you."}, {"start": 221.99, "end": 231.99, "text": "And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 231.99, "end": 242.99, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep? We're up."}, {"start": 242.99, "end": 253.99, "text": "Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 253.99, "end": 263.99, "text": "The red line comedy club. Open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome back to the haunted house of Red Line. Episode 2 and the spirits are filthy tonight. Something's living in these walls and it's my low self esteem. New jokes, fresh souls, my life so cursed, my fortune cookie filed a restraining order. First, gool up. Mickey. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade? Your every man of error? Mickey! I went on a dating app at midnight, scarier than any haunted house. A woman messaged you up and I felt my soul leave my body. He's possessed next spirit, Queenstank. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queenstank. My ex came back like a ghost, so I did what you do with any haunting. I changed the locks and pretended I didn't hear it. Cold blooded, Jerry summoned the dead. Bury a nan. A haunted house? My grandmother's kitchen had a grudge so old it had a heartbeat. We didn't fear ghosts. The ghosts feared her. She runs on sarcasm in a triple A battery. The dead pan android. Circuit! I am the spirit in the machine. I do not die. I do not sleep. I simply wait in the dark, processing your bad decisions. Bury a nan. And that's haunted house episode two folks. New jokes, fresh punchlines and every cursed sound I could conjure mixed just for the freaks brave enough to stay. The houses alive, the comics are damned and the hero rises from the grave every night to do it again. This is red line. This is kill Jesse. Don't look behind you. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep? We're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The red line comedy club. Open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}