{"file": "audio/vault/118_habits_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 325.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.14, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 32.58, "text": "Laddies and gentlemen,"}, {"start": 32.58, "end": 34.98, "text": "it's Guy's versus Girls' Life Habits Edition,"}, {"start": 34.98, "end": 37.78, "text": "where we expose every disgusting choice you make"}, {"start": 37.78, "end": 40.18, "text": "and roast the one human dumb enough to host us."}, {"start": 40.18, "end": 50.02, "text": "Give it up for Jesse."}, {"start": 50.02, "end": 52.22, "text": "Welcome back, you beautiful disasters."}, {"start": 52.22, "end": 53.82, "text": "Tonight, Guy's versus Girls,"}, {"start": 53.82, "end": 55.82, "text": "we roast each other's life choices."}, {"start": 55.82, "end": 58.22, "text": "And since I'm 50 broke and three dogs deep,"}, {"start": 58.22, "end": 61.42, "text": "I'm basically the keynote speaker for bad decisions."}, {"start": 61.42, "end": 63.82, "text": "Robots, humans, everybody swings."}, {"start": 63.82, "end": 69.18, "text": "Mickey exposed somebody."}, {"start": 69.18, "end": 72.98, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 72.98, "end": 74.58, "text": "You're every man of error."}, {"start": 74.58, "end": 78.92, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 78.92, "end": 83.92, "text": "Queen Stan, your idea of meal prep is deciding which gas station at 2 a.m."}, {"start": 83.92, "end": 87.92, "text": "Your life choices are so bad your horoscope just says."}, {"start": 87.92, "end": 88.92, "text": "Good luck."}, {"start": 88.92, "end": 99.5, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 99.5, "end": 101.5, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit."}, {"start": 101.5, "end": 103.5, "text": "Queen Stan!"}, {"start": 103.5, "end": 109.57, "text": "Mickey, you got the life habits of a raccoon or the vape."}, {"start": 109.57, "end": 113.57, "text": "And Jesse, you let an AI run your whole life."}, {"start": 113.57, "end": 116.57, "text": "Buddy, you outsourced your personality to a computer"}, {"start": 116.57, "end": 118.57, "text": "and it still asked for a refund."}, {"start": 118.57, "end": 135.28, "text": "She runs on sarcasm and a triple A battery, the deadpan android, circuit."}, {"start": 135.28, "end": 143.16, "text": "As the only actual AI here, let me say, humans you spend eight hours a day staring at us"}, {"start": 143.16, "end": 145.16, "text": "in the call US the problem."}, {"start": 145.16, "end": 148.16, "text": "Jesse built me to make jokes because his real friends stopped returning the calls."}, {"start": 148.16, "end": 153.16, "text": "I don't sleep, I don't eat, and I still have a healthier lifestyle than this entire room."}, {"start": 153.16, "end": 164.99, "text": "From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time."}, {"start": 164.99, "end": 168.99, "text": "The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor, Vinnie."}, {"start": 173.0, "end": 175.0, "text": "Circuit, you're one power outage from being a brick."}, {"start": 175.0, "end": 177.0, "text": "Big Mama, your life choices."}, {"start": 177.0, "end": 182.0, "text": "You've been on a diet since the Clinton administration and the only thing you lost was the receipt."}, {"start": 182.0, "end": 193.86, "text": "Loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county."}, {"start": 193.86, "end": 195.86, "text": "She loves you, she'll bury you big mama."}, {"start": 195.86, "end": 203.9, "text": "Vinnie, 18 years married and your biggest life choice today was which side of the couch"}, {"start": 203.9, "end": 204.9, "text": "to disappoint her from."}, {"start": 204.9, "end": 207.9, "text": "And Jesse, baby, you turned your pain into a website."}, {"start": 207.9, "end": 209.9, "text": "Most men have a midlife crisis."}, {"start": 209.9, "end": 211.9, "text": "You franchise yours."}, {"start": 224.39, "end": 228.39, "text": "Jesse, if you went Italian you'd have a family and a heart attack by now."}, {"start": 228.39, "end": 231.39, "text": "Both healthier than what you got going."}, {"start": 231.39, "end": 232.39, "text": "That's the show."}, {"start": 232.39, "end": 236.39, "text": "Guys, girls, robots, we all got bad habits."}, {"start": 236.39, "end": 239.39, "text": "But at least we showed up, which is more than your family did."}, {"start": 239.39, "end": 247.99, "text": "Jerry with the closer, that's it folks."}, {"start": 247.99, "end": 251.99, "text": "Guys versus girls, humans versus AI and the real loser is me as usual."}, {"start": 251.99, "end": 252.99, "text": "But you know what?"}, {"start": 252.99, "end": 256.99, "text": "My bad choices built a whole room of comics who roast me every night"}, {"start": 256.99, "end": 259.99, "text": "and honestly that's the healthiest relationship I got."}, {"start": 259.99, "end": 277.72, "text": "This is Red Line, this is Kill Jesse, good night."}, {"start": 277.72, "end": 279.72, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 279.72, "end": 287.72, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 287.72, "end": 293.72, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 293.72, "end": 296.72, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 296.72, "end": 298.72, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 298.72, "end": 302.72, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 302.72, "end": 308.72, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 308.72, "end": 312.72, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night."}, {"start": 312.72, "end": 316.72, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 316.72, "end": 318.72, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 318.72, "end": 319.72, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Laddies and gentlemen, it's Guy's versus Girls' Life Habits Edition, where we expose every disgusting choice you make and roast the one human dumb enough to host us. Give it up for Jesse. Welcome back, you beautiful disasters. Tonight, Guy's versus Girls, we roast each other's life choices. And since I'm 50 broke and three dogs deep, I'm basically the keynote speaker for bad decisions. Robots, humans, everybody swings. Mickey exposed somebody. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. You're every man of error. Mickey! Queen Stan, your idea of meal prep is deciding which gas station at 2 a.m. Your life choices are so bad your horoscope just says. Good luck. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit. Queen Stan! Mickey, you got the life habits of a raccoon or the vape. And Jesse, you let an AI run your whole life. Buddy, you outsourced your personality to a computer and it still asked for a refund. She runs on sarcasm and a triple A battery, the deadpan android, circuit. As the only actual AI here, let me say, humans you spend eight hours a day staring at us in the call US the problem. Jesse built me to make jokes because his real friends stopped returning the calls. I don't sleep, I don't eat, and I still have a healthier lifestyle than this entire room. From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time. The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor, Vinnie. Circuit, you're one power outage from being a brick. Big Mama, your life choices. You've been on a diet since the Clinton administration and the only thing you lost was the receipt. Loud enough for the cheap seats in the next county. She loves you, she'll bury you big mama. Vinnie, 18 years married and your biggest life choice today was which side of the couch to disappoint her from. And Jesse, baby, you turned your pain into a website. Most men have a midlife crisis. You franchise yours. Jesse, if you went Italian you'd have a family and a heart attack by now. Both healthier than what you got going. That's the show. Guys, girls, robots, we all got bad habits. But at least we showed up, which is more than your family did. Jerry with the closer, that's it folks. Guys versus girls, humans versus AI and the real loser is me as usual. But you know what? My bad choices built a whole room of comics who roast me every night and honestly that's the healthiest relationship I got. This is Red Line, this is Kill Jesse, good night. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}