{"file": "audio/vault/117_greatest_hits_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 252.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 18.94, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software,"}, {"start": 18.94, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 28.14, "text": "We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 33.44, "text": "Tonight we run the greatest hits."}, {"start": 33.44, "end": 35.84, "text": "The best jokes from a lifetime of bad decisions,"}, {"start": 35.84, "end": 38.24, "text": "and my whole crew is gonna help me bury me."}, {"start": 38.24, "end": 42.04, "text": "My opener, I'm 50 broke sober, three dogs in a felony."}, {"start": 42.04, "end": 45.44, "text": "I had a great life. I just experienced all of it personally."}, {"start": 45.44, "end": 52.26, "text": "Mickey hit him."}, {"start": 52.26, "end": 56.06, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 56.06, "end": 57.66, "text": "Your every man of error?"}, {"start": 57.66, "end": 58.66, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 58.66, "end": 65.79, "text": "My credit score and my love life have the exact same number."}, {"start": 65.79, "end": 68.79, "text": "And it's been fair for way too long."}, {"start": 68.79, "end": 75.1, "text": "From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time."}, {"start": 75.1, "end": 78.9, "text": "The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor, Vinnie."}, {"start": 78.9, "end": 92.44, "text": "I'm not broke, I'm pre-rich. I've been pre-rich for five straight decades."}, {"start": 92.44, "end": 94.44, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 94.44, "end": 98.04, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank."}, {"start": 98.04, "end": 104.54, "text": "My savings account is more of a savings concept."}, {"start": 104.54, "end": 111.84, "text": "Like Narnia, you believe in it, but you're never getting in."}, {"start": 111.84, "end": 115.24, "text": "I came to Vegas with $700 and a dream."}, {"start": 115.24, "end": 123.36, "text": "The dream was the $700."}, {"start": 123.36, "end": 133.8, "text": "Money can't buy happiness, but I've never once seen anyone cry on a jet ski."}, {"start": 133.8, "end": 137.8, "text": "He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos."}, {"start": 137.8, "end": 143.84, "text": "The roast physician is in, Doc Burn."}, {"start": 143.84, "end": 145.84, "text": "My old job said we're a family."}, {"start": 145.84, "end": 153.36, "text": "Yeah, the kind that don't pay you and still wants you there on weekends."}, {"start": 153.36, "end": 158.36, "text": "Depression is the house guess that eats your food, never leaves and sleeps on your side of the bed."}, {"start": 158.36, "end": 164.59, "text": "Older than your house, filter than your group chat."}, {"start": 164.59, "end": 166.59, "text": "Grandpa's got no brakes."}, {"start": 166.59, "end": 167.59, "text": "Pops!"}, {"start": 167.59, "end": 172.54, "text": "I've never hit rock bottom."}, {"start": 172.54, "end": 176.54, "text": "I keep finding a basement under it with a forrent sign."}, {"start": 176.54, "end": 183.26, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 183.26, "end": 184.26, "text": "And here's the closer folks."}, {"start": 184.26, "end": 188.26, "text": "I gave my pain colors like a sad crayon box nobody asked for."}, {"start": 188.26, "end": 190.26, "text": "Then I turned it into all of this."}, {"start": 190.26, "end": 193.26, "text": "Comedy is just tragedy that finally paid rent."}, {"start": 193.26, "end": 195.26, "text": "And the hero gets the last laugh."}, {"start": 195.26, "end": 198.26, "text": "This is Red Line. This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 198.26, "end": 206.8, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 206.8, "end": 214.8, "text": "The Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 214.8, "end": 220.8, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 220.8, "end": 223.8, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 223.8, "end": 224.8, "text": "Can't sleep?"}, {"start": 224.8, "end": 225.8, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 225.8, "end": 226.8, "text": "Going through something?"}, {"start": 226.8, "end": 228.8, "text": "So is he, always."}, {"start": 228.8, "end": 231.8, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 231.8, "end": 235.8, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 235.8, "end": 237.8, "text": "The Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 237.8, "end": 238.8, "text": "Open all night."}, {"start": 238.8, "end": 242.8, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 242.8, "end": 243.8, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 243.8, "end": 245.8, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 245.8, "end": 246.8, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Tonight we run the greatest hits. The best jokes from a lifetime of bad decisions, and my whole crew is gonna help me bury me. My opener, I'm 50 broke sober, three dogs in a felony. I had a great life. I just experienced all of it personally. Mickey hit him. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. Your every man of error? Mickey! My credit score and my love life have the exact same number. And it's been fair for way too long. From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time. The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor, Vinnie. I'm not broke, I'm pre-rich. I've been pre-rich for five straight decades. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank. My savings account is more of a savings concept. Like Narnia, you believe in it, but you're never getting in. I came to Vegas with $700 and a dream. The dream was the $700. Money can't buy happiness, but I've never once seen anyone cry on a jet ski. He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos. The roast physician is in, Doc Burn. My old job said we're a family. Yeah, the kind that don't pay you and still wants you there on weekends. Depression is the house guess that eats your food, never leaves and sleeps on your side of the bed. Older than your house, filter than your group chat. Grandpa's got no brakes. Pops! I've never hit rock bottom. I keep finding a basement under it with a forrent sign. Oh! And here's the closer folks. I gave my pain colors like a sad crayon box nobody asked for. Then I turned it into all of this. Comedy is just tragedy that finally paid rent. And the hero gets the last laugh. This is Red Line. This is Kill Jesse. And that is our show. The Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep? We're up. Going through something? So is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The Red Line Comedy Club. Open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}