{"file": "audio/vault/115_full_bench_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 455.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.14, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 35.18, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, tonight every comic on the roster"}, {"start": 35.18, "end": 39.38, "text": "in one room for one reason to roast Jesse into the ground."}, {"start": 39.38, "end": 41.58, "text": "28 comics, no survivors."}, {"start": 41.58, "end": 52.85, "text": "This is the Red Line Full Bench roast special."}, {"start": 52.85, "end": 54.95, "text": "Welcome to my funeral, you animals."}, {"start": 54.95, "end": 57.25, "text": "Tonight, the whole bench takes a swing at me."}, {"start": 57.25, "end": 60.95, "text": "50 broke sober, three dogs, 12 years no family."}, {"start": 60.95, "end": 64.45, "text": "Honestly, you're not going to find anything I haven't already cried about."}, {"start": 64.45, "end": 69.31, "text": "Bring the pain."}, {"start": 69.31, "end": 73.01, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 73.01, "end": 74.51, "text": "You're every man of error."}, {"start": 74.51, "end": 79.05, "text": "Mickey."}, {"start": 79.05, "end": 82.65, "text": "Jesse, you clean toilets and run a comedy empire."}, {"start": 82.65, "end": 89.55, "text": "So you're flush with talent and flush with everything else."}, {"start": 89.55, "end": 92.75, "text": "From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time."}, {"start": 92.75, "end": 99.76, "text": "The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor, Vinny."}, {"start": 99.76, "end": 102.06, "text": "Jesse's been engaged three times."}, {"start": 102.06, "end": 112.06, "text": "The man's bought more rings than a bowling alley and made less of a connection."}, {"start": 112.06, "end": 114.26, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 114.26, "end": 120.83, "text": "All hail the queen of the burn unit, queen's stank."}, {"start": 120.83, "end": 123.33, "text": "Jesse, three dogs and no woman."}, {"start": 123.33, "end": 131.55, "text": "Baby, even the Straits did the math and stayed."}, {"start": 131.55, "end": 135.55, "text": "He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos."}, {"start": 135.55, "end": 141.56, "text": "The roast physician is in, Doc Burn."}, {"start": 141.56, "end": 147.56, "text": "Diagnosis for Jesse, 50 years old and his retirement plan is hoping the dogs learn a trade."}, {"start": 147.56, "end": 155.85, "text": "Older than your house, filthier than your group chat, grandpa's got no breaks."}, {"start": 155.85, "end": 156.85, "text": "Pops!"}, {"start": 156.85, "end": 161.8, "text": "Jesse, I'm 81."}, {"start": 161.8, "end": 166.8, "text": "I've buried three wives and I still got a better dating life than you."}, {"start": 166.8, "end": 174.4, "text": "Sweetie, you gave your pain colors."}, {"start": 174.4, "end": 177.4, "text": "The rest of us just call it Tuesday and keep drinking."}, {"start": 177.4, "end": 184.63, "text": "Jesse, you were telling him for one night and you'd have a family again."}, {"start": 184.63, "end": 194.48, "text": "We don't cut people off, we just rotate the grudges."}, {"start": 194.48, "end": 196.48, "text": "He optimized his entire life and ended up here."}, {"start": 196.48, "end": 199.48, "text": "The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew."}, {"start": 199.48, "end": 200.48, "text": "TRIP!"}, {"start": 200.48, "end": 207.56, "text": "Jesse built a whole AI empire on a supercomputer to make jokes."}, {"start": 207.56, "end": 211.56, "text": "That's $4 million of hardware to avoid talking to a therapist."}, {"start": 218.06, "end": 221.06, "text": "He brings the doom, the gloom and a voice from the bottom of a well."}, {"start": 221.06, "end": 223.06, "text": "Please welcome Graves!"}, {"start": 223.06, "end": 231.91, "text": "Jesse, I see the darkness in you, mostly because you keep the lights off to save on the bill."}, {"start": 231.91, "end": 236.98, "text": "All protein, one personality."}, {"start": 236.98, "end": 239.98, "text": "The Jim Bro who skipped leg day in therapy, skip!"}, {"start": 239.98, "end": 245.12, "text": "Bro Jesse, you're not broke."}, {"start": 245.12, "end": 248.12, "text": "You're just pre-rich in a way that's lasted five decades."}, {"start": 248.12, "end": 256.38, "text": "Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits, the chaos Gremlin himself picks up."}, {"start": 256.38, "end": 264.26, "text": "Jesse peaked at his arraignment in 1994 and he's been on respawn ever since."}, {"start": 264.26, "end": 275.15, "text": "She runs on sarcasm in a AAA battery, the deadpan android, circuit."}, {"start": 275.15, "end": 285.06, "text": "I have analyzed Jesse's life choices, conclusion, even the algorithm would like to unsubscribe."}, {"start": 285.06, "end": 291.36, "text": "Southern charm swamp venom, she'll bless your heart and then stop it."}, {"start": 291.36, "end": 292.36, "text": "Sugar!"}, {"start": 292.36, "end": 298.27, "text": "Bless your heart Jesse, that's Southern 4."}, {"start": 298.27, "end": 301.27, "text": "We all watched it happen and nobody stopped it."}, {"start": 301.27, "end": 314.92, "text": "I've served Jesse at the diner at 3am, orders a salad that's sad."}, {"start": 314.92, "end": 323.9, "text": "You know the divorce is fresh."}, {"start": 323.9, "end": 328.9, "text": "Jesse, I'd insult your taste, but a man who's been left at the altar thrice clearly has none."}, {"start": 328.9, "end": 336.2, "text": "Jesse, back home, we'd call you a hard luck legend."}, {"start": 336.2, "end": 339.2, "text": "Out here, they just call your card declined."}, {"start": 339.2, "end": 349.68, "text": "I'd acknowledge Jesse's accomplishments, but my breeding won't allow me to recognize a man who scrubs toilets for a living."}, {"start": 349.68, "end": 361.4, "text": "Jesse, I'd fight you, but you've clearly already lost to everyone in your own family."}, {"start": 361.4, "end": 372.86, "text": "I'm small, I'm sweet and Jesse, I will end you, three engagements, even I committed to something and I'm a houseplants emotional support."}, {"start": 372.86, "end": 385.01, "text": "And that's the whole bench, folks. Every comic won't target my entire self-worth, but here's the thing."}, {"start": 385.01, "end": 390.01, "text": "28 comics showed up to roast me tonight, which is 28 more than my family has in 12 years."}, {"start": 390.01, "end": 396.01, "text": "So thank you for spending the night with me. This is Red Line. This is Kill Jesse. Good night."}, {"start": 396.01, "end": 418.66, "text": "And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 418.66, "end": 424.66, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 424.66, "end": 432.66, "text": "Stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he, always."}, {"start": 432.66, "end": 438.66, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 438.66, "end": 446.66, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 446.66, "end": 450.66, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight every comic on the roster in one room for one reason to roast Jesse into the ground. 28 comics, no survivors. This is the Red Line Full Bench roast special. Welcome to my funeral, you animals. Tonight, the whole bench takes a swing at me. 50 broke sober, three dogs, 12 years no family. Honestly, you're not going to find anything I haven't already cried about. Bring the pain. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. You're every man of error. Mickey. Jesse, you clean toilets and run a comedy empire. So you're flush with talent and flush with everything else. From Brooklyn, married 20 years and still doing the time. The wise guy with a wedding ring like an ankle monitor, Vinny. Jesse's been engaged three times. The man's bought more rings than a bowling alley and made less of a connection. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the queen of the burn unit, queen's stank. Jesse, three dogs and no woman. Baby, even the Straits did the math and stayed. He's not a real doctor, but neither was the guy who did your tattoos. The roast physician is in, Doc Burn. Diagnosis for Jesse, 50 years old and his retirement plan is hoping the dogs learn a trade. Older than your house, filthier than your group chat, grandpa's got no breaks. Pops! Jesse, I'm 81. I've buried three wives and I still got a better dating life than you. Sweetie, you gave your pain colors. The rest of us just call it Tuesday and keep drinking. Jesse, you were telling him for one night and you'd have a family again. We don't cut people off, we just rotate the grudges. He optimized his entire life and ended up here. The burnt out tech bro running on fumes and cold brew. TRIP! Jesse built a whole AI empire on a supercomputer to make jokes. That's $4 million of hardware to avoid talking to a therapist. He brings the doom, the gloom and a voice from the bottom of a well. Please welcome Graves! Jesse, I see the darkness in you, mostly because you keep the lights off to save on the bill. All protein, one personality. The Jim Bro who skipped leg day in therapy, skip! Bro Jesse, you're not broke. You're just pre-rich in a way that's lasted five decades. Raised by Wi-Fi and rage quits, the chaos Gremlin himself picks up. Jesse peaked at his arraignment in 1994 and he's been on respawn ever since. She runs on sarcasm in a AAA battery, the deadpan android, circuit. I have analyzed Jesse's life choices, conclusion, even the algorithm would like to unsubscribe. Southern charm swamp venom, she'll bless your heart and then stop it. Sugar! Bless your heart Jesse, that's Southern 4. We all watched it happen and nobody stopped it. I've served Jesse at the diner at 3am, orders a salad that's sad. You know the divorce is fresh. Jesse, I'd insult your taste, but a man who's been left at the altar thrice clearly has none. Jesse, back home, we'd call you a hard luck legend. Out here, they just call your card declined. I'd acknowledge Jesse's accomplishments, but my breeding won't allow me to recognize a man who scrubs toilets for a living. Jesse, I'd fight you, but you've clearly already lost to everyone in your own family. I'm small, I'm sweet and Jesse, I will end you, three engagements, even I committed to something and I'm a houseplants emotional support. And that's the whole bench, folks. Every comic won't target my entire self-worth, but here's the thing. 28 comics showed up to roast me tonight, which is 28 more than my family has in 12 years. So thank you for spending the night with me. This is Red Line. This is Kill Jesse. Good night. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}