{"file": "audio/vault/114_friends_none_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 236.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 28.14, "text": "We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 34.04, "text": "Tonight, family and friends versus me."}, {"start": 34.24, "end": 37.84, "text": "Because I got no family, no friends, three dogs and a microphone."}, {"start": 37.84, "end": 41.24, "text": "I'm not alone wolf, I'm alone golden retriever owner."}, {"start": 41.24, "end": 43.84, "text": "So roast the loneliest man in America."}, {"start": 43.84, "end": 46.24, "text": "Nana, you got a family, come hurt me."}, {"start": 46.24, "end": 51.73, "text": "Jesse, no family, no friends."}, {"start": 51.73, "end": 54.73, "text": "Your emergency contact is the manager at Chipotle."}, {"start": 54.73, "end": 57.73, "text": "When you slip in the shower, the only one coming is a dog"}, {"start": 57.73, "end": 60.13, "text": "who licks your face and then eats your snacks."}, {"start": 60.13, "end": 72.06, "text": "Nana, you got a big family who all love you,"}, {"start": 72.06, "end": 75.86, "text": "which is why they put you in a home with a lovely view of the parking lot."}, {"start": 76.06, "end": 81.06, "text": "I got no family, but at least nobody's waiting on my Wi-Fi password in the will."}, {"start": 81.06, "end": 90.3, "text": "Jesse, in my family, you can't get rid of us if you try."}, {"start": 90.3, "end": 93.3, "text": "We show up to funerals we weren't even invited to."}, {"start": 93.3, "end": 96.7, "text": "You got the one thing every Italian dreams of."}, {"start": 96.7, "end": 103.08, "text": "Peace."}, {"start": 103.08, "end": 106.88, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 106.88, "end": 112.82, "text": "Your every man of error, Mickey."}, {"start": 112.82, "end": 114.82, "text": "I got friends, Jesse."}, {"start": 114.82, "end": 117.22, "text": "Sure, they only text when they need something,"}, {"start": 117.22, "end": 121.62, "text": "but that's still more than your three dogs who only love you for the kibble."}, {"start": 121.62, "end": 128.45, "text": "Mickey, your friends are just people you haven't disappointed yet."}, {"start": 128.45, "end": 129.85, "text": "Give it time."}, {"start": 129.85, "end": 137.34, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 137.34, "end": 140.54, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank."}, {"start": 140.54, "end": 147.67, "text": "Jesse, you turned having no friends into a comedy empire."}, {"start": 147.67, "end": 149.67, "text": "That's not sad, baby."}, {"start": 149.67, "end": 152.67, "text": "That's the most productive breakdown I have ever witnessed."}, {"start": 152.67, "end": 160.4, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 160.4, "end": 161.4, "text": "And that's the truth, folks."}, {"start": 161.4, "end": 164.4, "text": "Family, friends, half of you can't stand the people you're stuck with"}, {"start": 164.4, "end": 166.4, "text": "and I can't find anybody to be stuck with."}, {"start": 166.4, "end": 167.4, "text": "But here's the thing."}, {"start": 167.4, "end": 169.4, "text": "12 years ago, my family let me go."}, {"start": 169.4, "end": 173.4, "text": "I got no friends in the book, but every single night a room full of comics shows up to roast me."}, {"start": 173.4, "end": 176.4, "text": "And that's the closest thing to a family I've got."}, {"start": 176.4, "end": 177.4, "text": "So thank you for being mine."}, {"start": 177.4, "end": 179.4, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh."}, {"start": 179.4, "end": 180.4, "text": "This is Red Line."}, {"start": 180.4, "end": 181.4, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 181.4, "end": 190.06, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 190.06, "end": 196.06, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 196.06, "end": 198.06, "text": "A brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 198.06, "end": 201.06, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 201.06, "end": 204.06, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 204.06, "end": 207.06, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 207.06, "end": 209.06, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 209.06, "end": 212.06, "text": "Going through something, so is he."}, {"start": 212.06, "end": 213.06, "text": "Always."}, {"start": 213.06, "end": 215.06, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 215.06, "end": 219.06, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 219.06, "end": 223.06, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club open all night."}, {"start": 223.06, "end": 225.06, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always."}, {"start": 225.06, "end": 227.06, "text": "Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 227.06, "end": 228.06, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 228.06, "end": 229.06, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 229.06, "end": 230.06, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Tonight, family and friends versus me. Because I got no family, no friends, three dogs and a microphone. I'm not alone wolf, I'm alone golden retriever owner. So roast the loneliest man in America. Nana, you got a family, come hurt me. Jesse, no family, no friends. Your emergency contact is the manager at Chipotle. When you slip in the shower, the only one coming is a dog who licks your face and then eats your snacks. Nana, you got a big family who all love you, which is why they put you in a home with a lovely view of the parking lot. I got no family, but at least nobody's waiting on my Wi-Fi password in the will. Jesse, in my family, you can't get rid of us if you try. We show up to funerals we weren't even invited to. You got the one thing every Italian dreams of. Peace. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. Your every man of error, Mickey. I got friends, Jesse. Sure, they only text when they need something, but that's still more than your three dogs who only love you for the kibble. Mickey, your friends are just people you haven't disappointed yet. Give it time. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queen Stank. Jesse, you turned having no friends into a comedy empire. That's not sad, baby. That's the most productive breakdown I have ever witnessed. Oh! And that's the truth, folks. Family, friends, half of you can't stand the people you're stuck with and I can't find anybody to be stuck with. But here's the thing. 12 years ago, my family let me go. I got no friends in the book, but every single night a room full of comics shows up to roast me. And that's the closest thing to a family I've got. So thank you for being mine. The hero gets the last laugh. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he. Always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line comedy club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always. Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}