{"file": "audio/vault/109_episode_full.mp3", "duration_sec": 216.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 18.94, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software,"}, {"start": 18.94, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 28.14, "text": "We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 35.44, "text": "Welcome to Kill Jesse, the open mic with the deepest bench in comedy."}, {"start": 35.44, "end": 37.44, "text": "The rule you roast yourself first."}, {"start": 37.44, "end": 40.44, "text": "Mine, 50 broke sober scrubbing toilets for rent."}, {"start": 40.44, "end": 42.44, "text": "Now let's meet tonight's lineup."}, {"start": 42.44, "end": 45.44, "text": "First up, 81 years young, pops."}, {"start": 45.44, "end": 48.04, "text": "Older than your house, filthier than your group chat,"}, {"start": 48.04, "end": 50.04, "text": "Grandpa's got no breaks."}, {"start": 50.04, "end": 51.04, "text": "Pops!"}, {"start": 51.04, "end": 56.35, "text": "I've been married three times."}, {"start": 56.35, "end": 59.55, "text": "My secret to a long marriage is I outlive them."}, {"start": 59.55, "end": 63.55, "text": "At my age dating isn't romance, it's a race against the clock,"}, {"start": 63.55, "end": 66.35, "text": "and I'm bringing a defibrillator to dinner."}, {"start": 66.35, "end": 70.55, "text": "Pops everybody, a man who reads the obituary's to check the dating pool."}, {"start": 70.55, "end": 73.35, "text": "Beautiful. Next, give it up for Nana."}, {"start": 73.35, "end": 76.35, "text": "I love my grandchildren. I die for them."}, {"start": 76.35, "end": 78.35, "text": "I just won't drive 40 minutes for them."}, {"start": 78.35, "end": 81.35, "text": "Love has limits and the limit is traffic."}, {"start": 81.35, "end": 86.35, "text": "Nana, the only woman who can call you sweetie and end your whole bloodline in the same breath."}, {"start": 86.35, "end": 89.35, "text": "Next all the way across the pond, gov."}, {"start": 89.35, "end": 91.35, "text": "Back home, we don't go to therapy."}, {"start": 91.35, "end": 95.35, "text": "We go to the pub and tell a man named Dave our problems."}, {"start": 95.35, "end": 100.35, "text": "Dave's not qualified, but he's cheaper, and he buys the next round."}, {"start": 100.35, "end": 105.35, "text": "Gov everybody, proof and accent can make I haven't paid rent in three months sound charming."}, {"start": 105.35, "end": 108.35, "text": "Next our resident machine, circuit."}, {"start": 108.35, "end": 113.35, "text": "She runs on sarcasm in a triple A battery, the deadpan android, circuit."}, {"start": 113.35, "end": 119.26, "text": "I was programmed to understand human dating."}, {"start": 119.26, "end": 123.26, "text": "I have failed you match, you talk for two weeks, then you both vanish forever."}, {"start": 123.26, "end": 126.26, "text": "My conclusion, humans are just two ghosts negotiating."}, {"start": 127.26, "end": 129.26, "text": "Circuit reboots faster than my love life."}, {"start": 129.26, "end": 133.26, "text": "One more the meanest waitress in America, Nikki."}, {"start": 133.26, "end": 137.26, "text": "20 years on the night diner, you learn things."}, {"start": 137.26, "end": 144.51, "text": "And who orders a salad at 3 a.m. is going through a divorce."}, {"start": 144.51, "end": 151.92, "text": "A woman who orders pie is celebrating one extra forks."}, {"start": 151.92, "end": 153.92, "text": "I'm a therapist with Kim."}, {"start": 156.23, "end": 158.23, "text": "Nikki everybody, that's the show."}, {"start": 158.23, "end": 161.23, "text": "A whole bench of comics, not one retirement plan between them."}, {"start": 161.23, "end": 164.23, "text": "This has been killjessiebombed.app."}, {"start": 164.23, "end": 167.23, "text": "Roast yourself first or you're just being mean with a microphone."}, {"start": 167.23, "end": 169.23, "text": "Good night."}, {"start": 169.23, "end": 171.23, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 171.23, "end": 179.23, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 179.23, "end": 182.23, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 182.23, "end": 184.23, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 184.23, "end": 187.23, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 187.23, "end": 189.23, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 189.23, "end": 193.23, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 193.23, "end": 195.23, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 195.23, "end": 199.23, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 199.23, "end": 203.23, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night."}, {"start": 203.23, "end": 207.23, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always jessie's fault."}, {"start": 207.23, "end": 209.23, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 209.23, "end": 210.23, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome to Kill Jesse, the open mic with the deepest bench in comedy. The rule you roast yourself first. Mine, 50 broke sober scrubbing toilets for rent. Now let's meet tonight's lineup. First up, 81 years young, pops. Older than your house, filthier than your group chat, Grandpa's got no breaks. Pops! I've been married three times. My secret to a long marriage is I outlive them. At my age dating isn't romance, it's a race against the clock, and I'm bringing a defibrillator to dinner. Pops everybody, a man who reads the obituary's to check the dating pool. Beautiful. Next, give it up for Nana. I love my grandchildren. I die for them. I just won't drive 40 minutes for them. Love has limits and the limit is traffic. Nana, the only woman who can call you sweetie and end your whole bloodline in the same breath. Next all the way across the pond, gov. Back home, we don't go to therapy. We go to the pub and tell a man named Dave our problems. Dave's not qualified, but he's cheaper, and he buys the next round. Gov everybody, proof and accent can make I haven't paid rent in three months sound charming. Next our resident machine, circuit. She runs on sarcasm in a triple A battery, the deadpan android, circuit. I was programmed to understand human dating. I have failed you match, you talk for two weeks, then you both vanish forever. My conclusion, humans are just two ghosts negotiating. Circuit reboots faster than my love life. One more the meanest waitress in America, Nikki. 20 years on the night diner, you learn things. And who orders a salad at 3 a.m. is going through a divorce. A woman who orders pie is celebrating one extra forks. I'm a therapist with Kim. Nikki everybody, that's the show. A whole bench of comics, not one retirement plan between them. This has been killjessiebombed.app. Roast yourself first or you're just being mean with a microphone. Good night. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always jessie's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}