{"file": "audio/vault/108_dogs_cats_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 223.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 18.94, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software,"}, {"start": 18.94, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 28.14, "text": "We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 35.64, "text": "Tonight the Eternal rivalry, D-O-G-S versus C-A-T-S."}, {"start": 35.64, "end": 38.44, "text": "I got three dogs so you know where I stand."}, {"start": 38.44, "end": 42.84, "text": "My dogs love me unconditionally mostly because they can't read my bank statement."}, {"start": 42.84, "end": 44.64, "text": "Cat people come scratch."}, {"start": 44.64, "end": 50.94, "text": "Queenstank, you're a cat lady defend yourself."}, {"start": 50.94, "end": 52.94, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 52.94, "end": 54.94, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit."}, {"start": 54.94, "end": 55.94, "text": "Queenstank."}, {"start": 55.94, "end": 61.04, "text": "Jesse, three dogs?"}, {"start": 61.04, "end": 65.04, "text": "That's not love. That's three witnesses who can't testify."}, {"start": 65.04, "end": 67.04, "text": "Cats are independent."}, {"start": 67.04, "end": 71.04, "text": "Dogs are just needy roommates who lick themselves and call itself care."}, {"start": 71.04, "end": 84.07, "text": "Queen, a cat doesn't love you. It tolerates you until they can open her dies."}, {"start": 84.07, "end": 87.87, "text": "You don't have a pet. You have a tiny landlord who hates you."}, {"start": 87.87, "end": 97.09, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 97.09, "end": 99.09, "text": "You're every man of error?"}, {"start": 99.09, "end": 103.26, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 103.26, "end": 107.26, "text": "I'm team dog. A dog greets you like you came back from war."}, {"start": 107.26, "end": 113.62, "text": "A cat greets you like you owe it money."}, {"start": 113.62, "end": 117.62, "text": "Mickey, dogs are dumb. You throw a ball, they bring it back. That's not loyalty."}, {"start": 117.62, "end": 119.62, "text": "That's a learning disability with a tail."}, {"start": 119.62, "end": 129.25, "text": "My cat ignores me which is the most honest relationship I've got."}, {"start": 129.25, "end": 134.25, "text": "In my neighborhood, we had one cat and it ran more rackets than I did."}, {"start": 134.25, "end": 138.25, "text": "Jesse, your three dogs are the only family that never lived."}, {"start": 138.25, "end": 152.78, "text": "So really, you didn't pick dogs? The dogs were just too loyal to no better."}, {"start": 152.78, "end": 159.78, "text": "And that's the rivalry folks. Dogs, cats, one loves you too much, the other not enough, which is just my entire dating history with fur."}, {"start": 159.78, "end": 165.78, "text": "Truth is my three dogs are the longest relationship I've ever had and not one of them has asked for a ring."}, {"start": 165.78, "end": 169.78, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 169.78, "end": 186.51, "text": "And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 186.51, "end": 189.51, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 189.51, "end": 194.51, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 194.51, "end": 200.51, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 200.51, "end": 206.51, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 206.51, "end": 214.51, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 214.51, "end": 218.51, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Tonight the Eternal rivalry, D-O-G-S versus C-A-T-S. I got three dogs so you know where I stand. My dogs love me unconditionally mostly because they can't read my bank statement. Cat people come scratch. Queenstank, you're a cat lady defend yourself. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit. Queenstank. Jesse, three dogs? That's not love. That's three witnesses who can't testify. Cats are independent. Dogs are just needy roommates who lick themselves and call itself care. Queen, a cat doesn't love you. It tolerates you until they can open her dies. You don't have a pet. You have a tiny landlord who hates you. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. You're every man of error? Mickey! I'm team dog. A dog greets you like you came back from war. A cat greets you like you owe it money. Mickey, dogs are dumb. You throw a ball, they bring it back. That's not loyalty. That's a learning disability with a tail. My cat ignores me which is the most honest relationship I've got. In my neighborhood, we had one cat and it ran more rackets than I did. Jesse, your three dogs are the only family that never lived. So really, you didn't pick dogs? The dogs were just too loyal to no better. And that's the rivalry folks. Dogs, cats, one loves you too much, the other not enough, which is just my entire dating history with fur. Truth is my three dogs are the longest relationship I've ever had and not one of them has asked for a ring. The hero gets the last laugh. This is Red Line. Kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}