{"file": "audio/vault/106_dating_script.mp3", "duration_sec": 229.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.14, "end": 8.34, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.34, "end": 11.34, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.34, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.14, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.14, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.34, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.34, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.14, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 28.14, "end": 35.04, "text": "Tonight, the whole crew roasts the saddest topic in America."}, {"start": 35.04, "end": 39.04, "text": "My dating life, three engagements, zero weddings, 50 years old,"}, {"start": 39.04, "end": 42.04, "text": "and the most action I get is the notification sound."}, {"start": 42.04, "end": 44.04, "text": "Have a tea at Queenstank."}, {"start": 44.04, "end": 49.34, "text": "No filter, no mercy, no chill."}, {"start": 49.34, "end": 56.47, "text": "All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queenstank!"}, {"start": 56.47, "end": 59.47, "text": "Jesse, you've been engaged three times and married never."}, {"start": 59.47, "end": 61.47, "text": "You're not looking for love."}, {"start": 61.47, "end": 63.47, "text": "You're a subscription nobody renews."}, {"start": 63.47, "end": 73.3, "text": "Queen, I bought three engagement rings and funded three honey moons,"}, {"start": 73.3, "end": 74.3, "text": "none of a mine."}, {"start": 74.3, "end": 75.3, "text": "I'm not bad at love."}, {"start": 75.3, "end": 78.3, "text": "I'm a charity for other women's weddings."}, {"start": 78.3, "end": 87.38, "text": "Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade."}, {"start": 87.38, "end": 88.38, "text": "You're every man of error."}, {"start": 88.38, "end": 93.52, "text": "Mickey!"}, {"start": 93.52, "end": 95.52, "text": "Jesse, your dating profile says,"}, {"start": 95.52, "end": 98.52, "text": "50, divorced, financially recovering."}, {"start": 98.52, "end": 100.52, "text": "Even the catfish swiped left."}, {"start": 100.52, "end": 108.41, "text": "Mickey, you couldn't get a date with a calendar."}, {"start": 108.41, "end": 110.41, "text": "At least my exes left me."}, {"start": 110.41, "end": 112.41, "text": "Yours just never showed up."}, {"start": 112.41, "end": 120.66, "text": "Jesse, three fiancees, three dogs."}, {"start": 120.66, "end": 122.66, "text": "The dogs lasted longer."}, {"start": 122.66, "end": 124.66, "text": "And they came back."}, {"start": 124.66, "end": 127.66, "text": "You're the only man who's been left at the altar so many times,"}, {"start": 127.66, "end": 130.66, "text": "the church gave you a frequent cryocard."}, {"start": 130.66, "end": 142.2, "text": "Honey, you're 50 and single with three dogs."}, {"start": 142.2, "end": 144.2, "text": "That's not a dating life."}, {"start": 144.2, "end": 146.2, "text": "That's a wildlife rehabilitation center."}, {"start": 146.2, "end": 154.64, "text": "And that's my dating life, folks."}, {"start": 154.64, "end": 157.64, "text": "Three rings, zero weddings and a heart that's been returned more times"}, {"start": 157.64, "end": 159.64, "text": "than a bad Christmas sweater."}, {"start": 159.64, "end": 160.64, "text": "But you know what?"}, {"start": 160.64, "end": 163.64, "text": "I'm still out here swinging because somewhere out there is a woman crazy enough"}, {"start": 163.64, "end": 167.64, "text": "to date a broke sober, 50-year-old felon with three dogs and a podcast."}, {"start": 167.64, "end": 169.64, "text": "And honestly, she sounds amazing."}, {"start": 169.64, "end": 172.64, "text": "The hero gets the last laugh even single."}, {"start": 172.64, "end": 174.64, "text": "This is Red Line, kill Jesse."}, {"start": 174.64, "end": 183.34, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 183.34, "end": 189.34, "text": "But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 189.34, "end": 191.34, "text": "A brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 191.34, "end": 194.34, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down."}, {"start": 194.34, "end": 197.34, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 197.34, "end": 200.34, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 200.34, "end": 202.34, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 202.34, "end": 206.34, "text": "Going through something so is he, always."}, {"start": 206.34, "end": 208.34, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 208.34, "end": 211.34, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 211.34, "end": 215.34, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night."}, {"start": 215.34, "end": 219.34, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 219.34, "end": 222.34, "text": "Subscribe. He needs the attention."}, {"start": 222.34, "end": 223.34, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Tonight, the whole crew roasts the saddest topic in America. My dating life, three engagements, zero weddings, 50 years old, and the most action I get is the notification sound. Have a tea at Queenstank. No filter, no mercy, no chill. All hail the Queen of the Burn Unit, Queenstank! Jesse, you've been engaged three times and married never. You're not looking for love. You're a subscription nobody renews. Queen, I bought three engagement rings and funded three honey moons, none of a mine. I'm not bad at love. I'm a charity for other women's weddings. Next to the mic, a man whose love life has more red flags than a parade. You're every man of error. Mickey! Jesse, your dating profile says, 50, divorced, financially recovering. Even the catfish swiped left. Mickey, you couldn't get a date with a calendar. At least my exes left me. Yours just never showed up. Jesse, three fiancees, three dogs. The dogs lasted longer. And they came back. You're the only man who's been left at the altar so many times, the church gave you a frequent cryocard. Honey, you're 50 and single with three dogs. That's not a dating life. That's a wildlife rehabilitation center. And that's my dating life, folks. Three rings, zero weddings and a heart that's been returned more times than a bad Christmas sweater. But you know what? I'm still out here swinging because somewhere out there is a woman crazy enough to date a broke sober, 50-year-old felon with three dogs and a podcast. And honestly, she sounds amazing. The hero gets the last laugh even single. This is Red Line, kill Jesse. And that is our show. But the Red Line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Red Line Comedy Club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}