{"file": "audio/vault/06_july4_guys_vs_girls.mp3", "duration_sec": 248.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.5, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, it's the red line 4th of July spectacular."}, {"start": 3.5, "end": 9.3, "text": "Adults only, no kids, no family, which is perfect because tonight's host hasn't spoken to his in 12 years."}, {"start": 9.3, "end": 12.8, "text": "Give it up for the most independent man in America, Jesse."}, {"start": 12.8, "end": 23.36, "text": "Happy 4th of July you degenerates."}, {"start": 23.36, "end": 25.86, "text": "Everybody's celebrating independence. Me."}, {"start": 25.86, "end": 28.86, "text": "I've been independent from my entire family for 12 years."}, {"start": 28.86, "end": 34.26, "text": "While you watch fireworks with your loved ones, I'm watching mine with three dogs and a microwave dinner for one."}, {"start": 34.26, "end": 38.06, "text": "People ask if I'm lonely. Lonely? I got three dogs."}, {"start": 38.06, "end": 43.06, "text": "I'm the only single man in America getting woken up at 3 a.m. by someone who actually needs me."}, {"start": 43.06, "end": 46.56, "text": "My family cut me off. My fiancee's cut me off."}, {"start": 46.56, "end": 51.56, "text": "The only things that never left are these dogs and that's just because I control the food."}, {"start": 51.56, "end": 58.86, "text": "Tonight it's guys versus girls and they are all gonna roast me because apparently that's the one thing that brings my family together too."}, {"start": 58.86, "end": 61.36, "text": "Mickey, start the war."}, {"start": 78.43, "end": 84.73, "text": "Happy 4th Independence Day, the one day I celebrate being free, mostly from women."}, {"start": 84.73, "end": 91.03, "text": "Queenstank, no offense but your dating profile should come with a hard hat and a tetanus shot."}, {"start": 91.03, "end": 101.89, "text": "Mickey, you wouldn't know what to do with a woman if she came with instructions and a warranty."}, {"start": 101.89, "end": 106.39, "text": "And Jesse, 12 years no family, three dogs single."}, {"start": 106.49, "end": 124.36, "text": "Baby, that's not independence, that's a missing person's case nobody bothered to file."}, {"start": 124.36, "end": 128.36, "text": "Queen, you've been single so long your last goodnight kiss was from a breathalyzer."}, {"start": 128.36, "end": 144.32, "text": "Me, I'm married 18 years, which on the 4th of July means I know exactly what occupied territory feels like."}, {"start": 144.32, "end": 148.32, "text": "Vinnie, 18 years married and you still flinch when she reaches for the remote."}, {"start": 148.32, "end": 162.92, "text": "And Jesse Honey, three dogs and no family, at least the dogs have an excuse. They can't read your texts either."}, {"start": 163.02, "end": 167.82, "text": "Nana, you're so old your first crush signed the Declaration of Independence."}, {"start": 167.82, "end": 171.02, "text": "Me, I'm Italian, we don't do independence."}, {"start": 171.02, "end": 174.02, "text": "My mother still cuts my food and I'm 53."}, {"start": 174.02, "end": 188.72, "text": "Jesse, 12 years from your family, in my family that's called Tuesday."}, {"start": 188.72, "end": 192.02, "text": "Jerry, you talked big but you cried at a car commercial last week."}, {"start": 192.02, "end": 196.32, "text": "And all you men, this is why we stay single ladies look at the options."}, {"start": 196.32, "end": 210.87, "text": "Jesse, three dogs baby, you didn't choose dogs, the women left and the dogs were just too dumb to pack."}, {"start": 210.97, "end": 212.57, "text": "Big mama with a kill shot."}, {"start": 212.57, "end": 216.77, "text": "Alright, that's the war folks, guys, girls everybody lost especially me."}, {"start": 216.77, "end": 221.77, "text": "Here's the truth on this 4th of July, 12 years ago my family let me go, three fiance's let me go,"}, {"start": 221.77, "end": 223.87, "text": "but these three dumb dogs they never will."}, {"start": 223.87, "end": 229.17, "text": "So this is my Independence Day, free from everybody who could break my heart except the three who'd never know how."}, {"start": 229.17, "end": 230.87, "text": "Happy 4th from Red Line."}, {"start": 230.87, "end": 233.77, "text": "Now go blow something up that isn't your whole life like I did."}, {"start": 233.77, "end": 234.77, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLadies and gentlemen, it's the red line 4th of July spectacular. Adults only, no kids, no family, which is perfect because tonight's host hasn't spoken to his in 12 years. Give it up for the most independent man in America, Jesse. Happy 4th of July you degenerates. Everybody's celebrating independence. Me. I've been independent from my entire family for 12 years. While you watch fireworks with your loved ones, I'm watching mine with three dogs and a microwave dinner for one. People ask if I'm lonely. Lonely? I got three dogs. I'm the only single man in America getting woken up at 3 a.m. by someone who actually needs me. My family cut me off. My fiancee's cut me off. The only things that never left are these dogs and that's just because I control the food. Tonight it's guys versus girls and they are all gonna roast me because apparently that's the one thing that brings my family together too. Mickey, start the war. Happy 4th Independence Day, the one day I celebrate being free, mostly from women. Queenstank, no offense but your dating profile should come with a hard hat and a tetanus shot. Mickey, you wouldn't know what to do with a woman if she came with instructions and a warranty. And Jesse, 12 years no family, three dogs single. Baby, that's not independence, that's a missing person's case nobody bothered to file. Queen, you've been single so long your last goodnight kiss was from a breathalyzer. Me, I'm married 18 years, which on the 4th of July means I know exactly what occupied territory feels like. Vinnie, 18 years married and you still flinch when she reaches for the remote. And Jesse Honey, three dogs and no family, at least the dogs have an excuse. They can't read your texts either. Nana, you're so old your first crush signed the Declaration of Independence. Me, I'm Italian, we don't do independence. My mother still cuts my food and I'm 53. Jesse, 12 years from your family, in my family that's called Tuesday. Jerry, you talked big but you cried at a car commercial last week. And all you men, this is why we stay single ladies look at the options. Jesse, three dogs baby, you didn't choose dogs, the women left and the dogs were just too dumb to pack. Big mama with a kill shot. Alright, that's the war folks, guys, girls everybody lost especially me. Here's the truth on this 4th of July, 12 years ago my family let me go, three fiance's let me go, but these three dumb dogs they never will. So this is my Independence Day, free from everybody who could break my heart except the three who'd never know how. Happy 4th from Red Line. Now go blow something up that isn't your whole life like I did. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}