{"file": "audio/story-vault/A590_client-fridges-have-depositions.mp3", "duration_sec": 255.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 5.12, "text": "I run a cleaning business which means every house has one room that lies to your face."}, {"start": 5.12, "end": 7.4, "text": "The living room says, we're normal."}, {"start": 7.4, "end": 9.92, "text": "The hallway says, we're just busy."}, {"start": 9.92, "end": 14.44, "text": "Then you open the refrigerator and the whole family takes the fifth amendment."}, {"start": 14.44, "end": 16.52, "text": "Client fridges have depositions."}, {"start": 16.52, "end": 20.84, "text": "You open that door and there's one container in the back looking at you like, I want my"}, {"start": 20.84, "end": 22.52, "text": "attorney present."}, {"start": 22.52, "end": 27.76, "text": "And I'm standing there as a grown man in my fifties, running affordable pro cleaners,"}, {"start": 27.76, "end": 30.88, "text": "trying to be professional, but the red in me wants answers."}, {"start": 30.88, "end": 33.64, "text": "In the four colors, red is the protector."}, {"start": 33.64, "end": 38.4, "text": "Red walks into the kitchen and says, who authorize this yogurt to become furniture."}, {"start": 38.4, "end": 40.92, "text": "Green wants to study the expiration date."}, {"start": 40.92, "end": 44.8, "text": "Green is back there like, actually, if we carbon date the ranch dressing we can learn"}, {"start": 44.8, "end": 47.24, "text": "about the previous administration."}, {"start": 47.24, "end": 49.2, "text": "Blue is trying to keep the peace."}, {"start": 49.2, "end": 52.56, "text": "Blue says, maybe they were going through a lot."}, {"start": 52.56, "end": 54.2, "text": "Yellow is hugging the Tupperware."}, {"start": 54.2, "end": 55.2, "text": "Don't shame it."}, {"start": 55.2, "end": 57.08, "text": "It has been waiting to be chosen."}, {"start": 57.08, "end": 61.48, "text": "That is why I built bombed app, not just for comics for life because my whole day is"}, {"start": 61.48, "end": 62.48, "text": "premises."}, {"start": 62.48, "end": 65.56, "text": "A customer will call and say, can you do a light cleaning?"}, {"start": 65.56, "end": 68.32, "text": "Light cleaning is the biggest lie in America."}, {"start": 68.32, "end": 72.56, "text": "Light cleaning means we move the big shame into one room and close the door."}, {"start": 72.56, "end": 75.16, "text": "They say, don't worry about the fridge."}, {"start": 75.16, "end": 77.24, "text": "That means worry about the fridge."}, {"start": 77.24, "end": 81.76, "text": "That means the fridge has a backstory, a defense team, and one drawer that smells like"}, {"start": 81.76, "end": 85.04, "text": "it made poor decisions in 2019."}, {"start": 85.04, "end": 87.76, "text": "When I love my customers, I do."}, {"start": 87.76, "end": 91.68, "text": "But cleaning teaches you the truth about people faster than therapy."}, {"start": 91.68, "end": 93.88, "text": "You can fake your Facebook page."}, {"start": 93.88, "end": 95.84, "text": "You can fake your business card."}, {"start": 95.84, "end": 98.28, "text": "You can fake being calm in public."}, {"start": 98.28, "end": 100.68, "text": "But your baseboards know who you are."}, {"start": 100.68, "end": 103.24, "text": "Your microwave knows what you do at midnight."}, {"start": 103.24, "end": 107.88, "text": "Your freezer has your emotional support pizza rolls and three bags of vegetables you bought"}, {"start": 107.88, "end": 109.84, "text": "during a personality reset."}, {"start": 109.84, "end": 111.4, "text": "I have done that too."}, {"start": 111.4, "end": 113.4, "text": "I'm not judging from a throne."}, {"start": 113.4, "end": 116.28, "text": "I'm judging from a mop bucket with receipts."}, {"start": 116.28, "end": 119.32, "text": "My own life has rooms I do not want opened."}, {"start": 119.32, "end": 123.48, "text": "Colors of my pain is basically me admitting my past had a junk drawer."}, {"start": 123.48, "end": 126.04, "text": "And every time I say, I'm healed."}, {"start": 126.04, "end": 131.28, "text": "Some old memory falls out like a battery, a key, and a receipt from a bad decision."}, {"start": 131.28, "end": 134.88, "text": "That's the part nobody tells you about being a red man trying to grow."}, {"start": 134.88, "end": 136.16, "text": "Run a cleaning business."}, {"start": 136.16, "end": 137.16, "text": "Build AI tools."}, {"start": 137.16, "end": 140.52, "text": "Make comedy and stay married to your own nervous system."}, {"start": 140.52, "end": 142.08, "text": "You don't become calm."}, {"start": 142.08, "end": 145.12, "text": "You become organized enough to look calm from across the room."}, {"start": 145.12, "end": 146.88, "text": "That's my brand now."}, {"start": 146.88, "end": 151.8, "text": "External confidence, internal junk drawer, bombed, app should score me every morning."}, {"start": 151.8, "end": 158.24, "text": "Premise strength, solid, set up economy needs work, punchline turn, decent, act out strong."}, {"start": 158.24, "end": 159.44, "text": "Write potential, sir."}, {"start": 159.44, "end": 161.76, "text": "Your entire life is a rewrite."}, {"start": 161.76, "end": 163.08, "text": "And that is fair."}, {"start": 163.08, "end": 167.32, "text": "Because when you clean houses, you realize everybody is one surprise visit away from a"}, {"start": 167.32, "end": 171.68, "text": "TED talk called the laundry chair my silent partner."}, {"start": 171.68, "end": 176.52, "text": "Every house has a chair that hasn't been sad since it's not furniture anymore."}, {"start": 176.52, "end": 177.92, "text": "It's a clothing employee."}, {"start": 177.92, "end": 179.52, "text": "It started part time."}, {"start": 179.52, "end": 181.2, "text": "Now it has seniority."}, {"start": 181.2, "end": 184.76, "text": "And the customer says just work around that work around it."}, {"start": 184.76, "end": 190.04, "text": "That chair has a pension that chair knows passwords that chair has watched three relationships"}, {"start": 190.04, "end": 192.84, "text": "fail and one peloton become a coat rack."}, {"start": 192.84, "end": 195.52, "text": "So I walk in with my four colors brain."}, {"start": 195.52, "end": 197.28, "text": "Red wants to fix it now."}, {"start": 197.28, "end": 198.68, "text": "Green wants a plan."}, {"start": 198.68, "end": 200.88, "text": "Blue wants everyone to feel safe."}, {"start": 200.88, "end": 203.84, "text": "Blue wants to name the chair Gary and invite it to lunch."}, {"start": 203.84, "end": 208.92, "text": "And me, I'm just trying to finish before the client asks if I can also organize the garage"}, {"start": 208.92, "end": 210.56, "text": "real quick."}, {"start": 210.56, "end": 212.48, "text": "There is no real quick garage."}, {"start": 212.48, "end": 215.96, "text": "A garage is a museum of post-pone personalities."}, {"start": 215.96, "end": 218.32, "text": "It's where Hobb is go to become evidence."}, {"start": 218.32, "end": 224.12, "text": "You open one box in its photography gear, old business cards, supplement samples, AI notes,"}, {"start": 224.12, "end": 229.64, "text": "a charger nobody can identify and a dream that was supposed to make money by Thursday."}, {"start": 229.64, "end": 232.36, "text": "That's when I realize I'm not cleaning their house."}, {"start": 232.36, "end": 235.08, "text": "I'm meeting myself in a different zip code."}, {"start": 235.08, "end": 236.16, "text": "That's the joke."}, {"start": 236.16, "end": 241.6, "text": "I'm the cleaner, the comic, the red personality, the AI guy and the customer with the secret"}, {"start": 241.6, "end": 242.6, "text": "fridge."}, {"start": 242.6, "end": 246.16, "text": "So if bombed, app roasts me good."}, {"start": 246.16, "end": 249.48, "text": "Somebody has to because the fridge will not testify."}, {"start": 249.48, "end": 255.32, "text": "The laundry chair has lawyered up and my baseboards are tired of holding all my character development."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nI run a cleaning business which means every house has one room that lies to your face. The living room says, we're normal. The hallway says, we're just busy. Then you open the refrigerator and the whole family takes the fifth amendment. Client fridges have depositions. You open that door and there's one container in the back looking at you like, I want my attorney present. And I'm standing there as a grown man in my fifties, running affordable pro cleaners, trying to be professional, but the red in me wants answers. In the four colors, red is the protector. Red walks into the kitchen and says, who authorize this yogurt to become furniture. Green wants to study the expiration date. Green is back there like, actually, if we carbon date the ranch dressing we can learn about the previous administration. Blue is trying to keep the peace. Blue says, maybe they were going through a lot. Yellow is hugging the Tupperware. Don't shame it. It has been waiting to be chosen. That is why I built bombed app, not just for comics for life because my whole day is premises. A customer will call and say, can you do a light cleaning? Light cleaning is the biggest lie in America. Light cleaning means we move the big shame into one room and close the door. They say, don't worry about the fridge. That means worry about the fridge. That means the fridge has a backstory, a defense team, and one drawer that smells like it made poor decisions in 2019. When I love my customers, I do. But cleaning teaches you the truth about people faster than therapy. You can fake your Facebook page. You can fake your business card. You can fake being calm in public. But your baseboards know who you are. Your microwave knows what you do at midnight. Your freezer has your emotional support pizza rolls and three bags of vegetables you bought during a personality reset. I have done that too. I'm not judging from a throne. I'm judging from a mop bucket with receipts. My own life has rooms I do not want opened. Colors of my pain is basically me admitting my past had a junk drawer. And every time I say, I'm healed. Some old memory falls out like a battery, a key, and a receipt from a bad decision. That's the part nobody tells you about being a red man trying to grow. Run a cleaning business. Build AI tools. Make comedy and stay married to your own nervous system. You don't become calm. You become organized enough to look calm from across the room. That's my brand now. External confidence, internal junk drawer, bombed, app should score me every morning. Premise strength, solid, set up economy needs work, punchline turn, decent, act out strong. Write potential, sir. Your entire life is a rewrite. And that is fair. Because when you clean houses, you realize everybody is one surprise visit away from a TED talk called the laundry chair my silent partner. Every house has a chair that hasn't been sad since it's not furniture anymore. It's a clothing employee. It started part time. Now it has seniority. And the customer says just work around that work around it. That chair has a pension that chair knows passwords that chair has watched three relationships fail and one peloton become a coat rack. So I walk in with my four colors brain. Red wants to fix it now. Green wants a plan. Blue wants everyone to feel safe. Blue wants to name the chair Gary and invite it to lunch. And me, I'm just trying to finish before the client asks if I can also organize the garage real quick. There is no real quick garage. A garage is a museum of post-pone personalities. It's where Hobb is go to become evidence. You open one box in its photography gear, old business cards, supplement samples, AI notes, a charger nobody can identify and a dream that was supposed to make money by Thursday. That's when I realize I'm not cleaning their house. I'm meeting myself in a different zip code. That's the joke. I'm the cleaner, the comic, the red personality, the AI guy and the customer with the secret fridge. So if bombed, app roasts me good. Somebody has to because the fridge will not testify. The laundry chair has lawyered up and my baseboards are tired of holding all my character development.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}