{"file": "audio/story-vault/A501_my-past-called-customer-service.mp3", "duration_sec": 214.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.08, "text": "I am at the age where my past does not haunt me anymore."}, {"start": 3.08, "end": 4.92, "text": "It opens a support ticket."}, {"start": 4.92, "end": 9.32, "text": "At 50-something, trauma stops being dramatic and starts being administrative."}, {"start": 9.32, "end": 12.08, "text": "It is not standing in the hallway in a black coat."}, {"start": 12.08, "end": 16.6, "text": "It is emailing me at 2-13 in the morning saying, just circling back."}, {"start": 16.6, "end": 18.6, "text": "That is the real colors of my pain."}, {"start": 18.6, "end": 19.6, "text": "It is not one color."}, {"start": 19.6, "end": 22.16, "text": "It is a whole office supply cabinet."}, {"start": 22.16, "end": 24.8, "text": "Red is in their saying, handle it now."}, {"start": 24.8, "end": 27.4, "text": "Green is saying, let's verify the facts."}, {"start": 27.4, "end": 29.76, "text": "Blue is trying to make everybody comfortable."}, {"start": 29.76, "end": 32.8, "text": "Yellow is bringing snacks to an emotional audit."}, {"start": 32.8, "end": 34.2, "text": "And I am in the middle going."}, {"start": 34.2, "end": 36.44, "text": "Can one of you just make money today?"}, {"start": 36.44, "end": 38.2, "text": "That is how you know I am red."}, {"start": 38.2, "end": 42.2, "text": "I can be having a breakthrough and still ask if the breakthrough has a checkout page."}, {"start": 42.2, "end": 43.72, "text": "I built bombed."}, {"start": 43.72, "end": 46.68, "text": "At because apparently regular therapy was not enough."}, {"start": 46.68, "end": 51.2, "text": "I needed a website that could look at a joke and say, you are close but your childhood"}, {"start": 51.2, "end": 53.4, "text": "still has no punchline."}, {"start": 53.4, "end": 55.2, "text": "That is harsh, but fair."}, {"start": 55.2, "end": 58.4, "text": "My past is like a bad customer service department."}, {"start": 58.4, "end": 63.0, "text": "You call in for one issue and they transfer you to everything you have ever survived."}, {"start": 63.0, "end": 67.52, "text": "Thank you for calling emotional support for childhood confusion."}, {"start": 67.52, "end": 68.52, "text": "For money fear."}, {"start": 68.52, "end": 69.52, "text": "Press two."}, {"start": 69.52, "end": 71.04, "text": "For relationship damage."}, {"start": 71.04, "end": 72.12, "text": "Press three."}, {"start": 72.12, "end": 74.44, "text": "For rage disguised as leadership."}, {"start": 74.44, "end": 75.88, "text": "Please stay on the line."}, {"start": 75.88, "end": 78.72, "text": "A red representative is already yelling."}, {"start": 78.72, "end": 81.2, "text": "I used to think healing meant becoming peaceful."}, {"start": 81.2, "end": 85.08, "text": "Now I think healing means knowing which part of you is driving because I have got all"}, {"start": 85.08, "end": 86.92, "text": "four colors in me."}, {"start": 86.92, "end": 89.12, "text": "Someone wants to protect everybody."}, {"start": 89.12, "end": 91.32, "text": "Green wants the system to make sense."}, {"start": 91.32, "end": 93.96, "text": "Blue wants the room to stop getting weird."}, {"start": 93.96, "end": 98.44, "text": "Yellow wants hope but yellow also wants me to stop turning every feeling into a business"}, {"start": 98.44, "end": 99.44, "text": "model."}, {"start": 99.44, "end": 100.44, "text": "Too late."}, {"start": 100.44, "end": 101.52, "text": "That is my problem."}, {"start": 101.52, "end": 104.32, "text": "Some people go through pain and write in a journal."}, {"start": 104.32, "end": 107.64, "text": "I go through pain and think, this needs a logo."}, {"start": 107.64, "end": 110.08, "text": "Colors of my pain is not just a memoir."}, {"start": 110.08, "end": 112.32, "text": "It is a warning label with chapters."}, {"start": 112.32, "end": 116.16, "text": "I have clean houses for years and that might be the best training for dealing with your"}, {"start": 116.16, "end": 119.88, "text": "past because every old mess has the same rule."}, {"start": 119.88, "end": 122.48, "text": "You do not stand in the doorway and judge it."}, {"start": 122.48, "end": 124.6, "text": "You pick one corner and start."}, {"start": 124.6, "end": 126.88, "text": "The problem is my mind has bedrooms."}, {"start": 126.88, "end": 129.92, "text": "Nobody has opened since 1987."}, {"start": 129.92, "end": 134.52, "text": "I go in there with a mop and my green side says, we need categories."}, {"start": 134.52, "end": 136.88, "text": "Red side says throw it all away."}, {"start": 136.88, "end": 139.68, "text": "My blue side says maybe the mess has feelings."}, {"start": 139.68, "end": 143.04, "text": "My yellow side says, what if we turn this into content?"}, {"start": 143.04, "end": 147.88, "text": "When bombed, app walks in like a club owner and says strong premise needs tags that is"}, {"start": 147.88, "end": 151.24, "text": "rude from software I asked for but it is right."}, {"start": 151.24, "end": 153.64, "text": "Pain without a punch line is just rent."}, {"start": 153.64, "end": 155.64, "text": "Pain with a punch line is property."}, {"start": 155.64, "end": 157.64, "text": "That is why I roast myself first."}, {"start": 157.64, "end": 159.16, "text": "I am the willing target."}, {"start": 159.16, "end": 161.72, "text": "I cannot build a comedy app called bombed."}, {"start": 161.72, "end": 163.88, "text": "Appen then act like I have never bombed."}, {"start": 163.88, "end": 165.56, "text": "I have bombed in business."}, {"start": 165.56, "end": 167.32, "text": "I have bombed in relationships."}, {"start": 167.32, "end": 169.4, "text": "I have bombed trying to relax."}, {"start": 169.4, "end": 171.44, "text": "I have turned rest into a project plan."}, {"start": 171.44, "end": 173.04, "text": "I do not take a day off."}, {"start": 173.04, "end": 176.48, "text": "I schedule recovery and then wonder why recovery is late."}, {"start": 176.48, "end": 179.64, "text": "My past called customer service and asked for manager."}, {"start": 179.64, "end": 182.04, "text": "Unfortunately, I am the manager."}, {"start": 182.04, "end": 183.92, "text": "Worse, I am the owner."}, {"start": 183.92, "end": 188.56, "text": "Worse than that, I am the guy who built the website while the building was still on fire."}, {"start": 188.56, "end": 189.56, "text": "That is my brand."}, {"start": 189.56, "end": 191.44, "text": "But here is the good part."}, {"start": 191.44, "end": 195.12, "text": "When you survive long enough, you stop being embarrassed by the paperwork."}, {"start": 195.12, "end": 196.88, "text": "You stop hiding the dents."}, {"start": 196.88, "end": 198.48, "text": "You look at the damage and go."}, {"start": 198.48, "end": 200.92, "text": "All right, what can this teach somebody?"}, {"start": 200.92, "end": 201.92, "text": "What can this sell?"}, {"start": 201.92, "end": 203.28, "text": "What can this save?"}, {"start": 203.28, "end": 204.68, "text": "That is not denial."}, {"start": 204.68, "end": 207.36, "text": "That is read with a broom and a microphone."}, {"start": 207.36, "end": 211.44, "text": "So if my past wants customer service fine, take a number."}, {"start": 211.44, "end": 214.32, "text": "I am busy turning the complaint department into a show."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nI am at the age where my past does not haunt me anymore. It opens a support ticket. At 50-something, trauma stops being dramatic and starts being administrative. It is not standing in the hallway in a black coat. It is emailing me at 2-13 in the morning saying, just circling back. That is the real colors of my pain. It is not one color. It is a whole office supply cabinet. Red is in their saying, handle it now. Green is saying, let's verify the facts. Blue is trying to make everybody comfortable. Yellow is bringing snacks to an emotional audit. And I am in the middle going. Can one of you just make money today? That is how you know I am red. I can be having a breakthrough and still ask if the breakthrough has a checkout page. I built bombed. At because apparently regular therapy was not enough. I needed a website that could look at a joke and say, you are close but your childhood still has no punchline. That is harsh, but fair. My past is like a bad customer service department. You call in for one issue and they transfer you to everything you have ever survived. Thank you for calling emotional support for childhood confusion. For money fear. Press two. For relationship damage. Press three. For rage disguised as leadership. Please stay on the line. A red representative is already yelling. I used to think healing meant becoming peaceful. Now I think healing means knowing which part of you is driving because I have got all four colors in me. Someone wants to protect everybody. Green wants the system to make sense. Blue wants the room to stop getting weird. Yellow wants hope but yellow also wants me to stop turning every feeling into a business model. Too late. That is my problem. Some people go through pain and write in a journal. I go through pain and think, this needs a logo. Colors of my pain is not just a memoir. It is a warning label with chapters. I have clean houses for years and that might be the best training for dealing with your past because every old mess has the same rule. You do not stand in the doorway and judge it. You pick one corner and start. The problem is my mind has bedrooms. Nobody has opened since 1987. I go in there with a mop and my green side says, we need categories. Red side says throw it all away. My blue side says maybe the mess has feelings. My yellow side says, what if we turn this into content? When bombed, app walks in like a club owner and says strong premise needs tags that is rude from software I asked for but it is right. Pain without a punch line is just rent. Pain with a punch line is property. That is why I roast myself first. I am the willing target. I cannot build a comedy app called bombed. Appen then act like I have never bombed. I have bombed in business. I have bombed in relationships. I have bombed trying to relax. I have turned rest into a project plan. I do not take a day off. I schedule recovery and then wonder why recovery is late. My past called customer service and asked for manager. Unfortunately, I am the manager. Worse, I am the owner. Worse than that, I am the guy who built the website while the building was still on fire. That is my brand. But here is the good part. When you survive long enough, you stop being embarrassed by the paperwork. You stop hiding the dents. You look at the damage and go. All right, what can this teach somebody? What can this sell? What can this save? That is not denial. That is read with a broom and a microphone. So if my past wants customer service fine, take a number. I am busy turning the complaint department into a show.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}