{"file": "audio/story-vault/A409_my-past-wants-a-maintenance-plan.mp3", "duration_sec": 179.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.28, "text": "I used to think healing meant becoming a brand new person."}, {"start": 3.28, "end": 8.0, "text": "Now I am in my 50s and I realize healing is mostly customer service for the old version"}, {"start": 8.0, "end": 9.44, "text": "of yourself."}, {"start": 9.44, "end": 12.6, "text": "Every morning my past opens a support ticket."}, {"start": 12.6, "end": 15.12, "text": "Subject line still unresolved."}, {"start": 15.12, "end": 16.68, "text": "Priority somehow critical."}, {"start": 16.68, "end": 21.96, "text": "Assigned to me because apparently I am the only employee in this emotional company."}, {"start": 21.96, "end": 24.32, "text": "That is the real colors of my pain."}, {"start": 24.32, "end": 26.72, "text": "It is not always dramatic."}, {"start": 26.72, "end": 28.92, "text": "Sometimes it is just me standing in the kitchen."}, {"start": 28.92, "end": 33.24, "text": "Trying to drink coffee while an old memory walks in with a clipboard like hey, did we ever"}, {"start": 33.24, "end": 35.32, "text": "process 1987?"}, {"start": 35.32, "end": 36.84, "text": "No, we did not."}, {"start": 36.84, "end": 39.68, "text": "I was busy surviving 1988."}, {"start": 39.68, "end": 41.8, "text": "That is why I built the four colors."}, {"start": 41.8, "end": 46.0, "text": "I was trying to understand people but really I was trying to understand the committee inside"}, {"start": 46.0, "end": 47.4, "text": "my own head."}, {"start": 47.4, "end": 49.28, "text": "My red is the protector."}, {"start": 49.28, "end": 50.92, "text": "Red wakes up first."}, {"start": 50.92, "end": 52.68, "text": "Red does not stretch."}, {"start": 52.68, "end": 54.04, "text": "Red does not meditate."}, {"start": 54.04, "end": 57.72, "text": "Red comes out like a security guard at a discount warehouse."}, {"start": 57.72, "end": 60.0, "text": "Red says who needs handled today."}, {"start": 60.0, "end": 63.8, "text": "Green says before we handle anybody can we verify the facts."}, {"start": 63.8, "end": 67.2, "text": "Blue says I can become whoever the situation needs."}, {"start": 67.2, "end": 70.16, "text": "Yellow says does anybody want breakfast and a hug."}, {"start": 70.16, "end": 73.4, "text": "And red says absolutely not we have invoices."}, {"start": 73.4, "end": 75.52, "text": "That is my personality system."}, {"start": 75.52, "end": 76.52, "text": "Four colors."}, {"start": 76.52, "end": 78.72, "text": "One man zero paid time off."}, {"start": 78.72, "end": 80.48, "text": "Then I take all that to bomb."}, {"start": 80.48, "end": 83.08, "text": "And let a comedy app score my pain."}, {"start": 83.08, "end": 85.16, "text": "That is where my life got weird."}, {"start": 85.16, "end": 87.28, "text": "Most men my age hide their trauma."}, {"start": 87.28, "end": 91.08, "text": "I upload mine and ask if the punch line turns hard enough."}, {"start": 91.08, "end": 92.08, "text": "Bombed."}, {"start": 92.08, "end": 97.36, "text": "App is sitting there like premise strong emotional damage clear act out needs work."}, {"start": 97.36, "end": 100.56, "text": "Thank you robot therapist with a two drink minimum."}, {"start": 100.56, "end": 104.72, "text": "The funny part is cleaning houses taught me the same lesson."}, {"start": 104.72, "end": 107.72, "text": "You walk into a house thinking you are there for the counters."}, {"start": 107.72, "end": 112.62, "text": "When you find out the real mess is always in the corners that is people too everybody"}, {"start": 112.62, "end": 115.0, "text": "wipes down the visible stuff."}, {"start": 115.0, "end": 120.36, "text": "Everybody wants the front room looking presentable but the baseboards know the closets know the"}, {"start": 120.36, "end": 124.32, "text": "garage knows everything and is legally not allowed to testify."}, {"start": 124.32, "end": 130.84, "text": "My past is like that garage I keep saying I will organize it later later has been 30 years"}, {"start": 130.84, "end": 133.2, "text": "and now later wants a label maker."}, {"start": 133.2, "end": 137.04, "text": "So now I do comedy with it not because everything is funny."}, {"start": 137.04, "end": 139.32, "text": "Some of it was not funny when it happened."}, {"start": 139.32, "end": 143.8, "text": "Some of it still is not funny if I stare at it too long but if I can turn it into a bit"}, {"start": 143.8, "end": 146.4, "text": "I get a hold the steering wheel for once."}, {"start": 146.4, "end": 147.88, "text": "That is the trick."}, {"start": 147.88, "end": 153.28, "text": "Pain comes in like a landlord comedy makes it fill out paperwork and the older I get the"}, {"start": 153.28, "end": 158.88, "text": "more I realize I am not trying to erase the past I am trying to make it useful if red"}, {"start": 158.88, "end": 163.28, "text": "had his way we would bury everything in poor concrete over it."}, {"start": 163.28, "end": 168.04, "text": "Someone wants a timeline blue wants to make it marketable yellow wants to forgive"}, {"start": 168.04, "end": 173.6, "text": "everybody before lunch and I am standing there in the middle saying hold on let us run"}, {"start": 173.6, "end": 176.24, "text": "it through bombed at first."}, {"start": 176.24, "end": 179.2, "text": "If I am going to have a breakdown it better have tags."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nI used to think healing meant becoming a brand new person. Now I am in my 50s and I realize healing is mostly customer service for the old version of yourself. Every morning my past opens a support ticket. Subject line still unresolved. Priority somehow critical. Assigned to me because apparently I am the only employee in this emotional company. That is the real colors of my pain. It is not always dramatic. Sometimes it is just me standing in the kitchen. Trying to drink coffee while an old memory walks in with a clipboard like hey, did we ever process 1987? No, we did not. I was busy surviving 1988. That is why I built the four colors. I was trying to understand people but really I was trying to understand the committee inside my own head. My red is the protector. Red wakes up first. Red does not stretch. Red does not meditate. Red comes out like a security guard at a discount warehouse. Red says who needs handled today. Green says before we handle anybody can we verify the facts. Blue says I can become whoever the situation needs. Yellow says does anybody want breakfast and a hug. And red says absolutely not we have invoices. That is my personality system. Four colors. One man zero paid time off. Then I take all that to bomb. And let a comedy app score my pain. That is where my life got weird. Most men my age hide their trauma. I upload mine and ask if the punch line turns hard enough. Bombed. App is sitting there like premise strong emotional damage clear act out needs work. Thank you robot therapist with a two drink minimum. The funny part is cleaning houses taught me the same lesson. You walk into a house thinking you are there for the counters. When you find out the real mess is always in the corners that is people too everybody wipes down the visible stuff. Everybody wants the front room looking presentable but the baseboards know the closets know the garage knows everything and is legally not allowed to testify. My past is like that garage I keep saying I will organize it later later has been 30 years and now later wants a label maker. So now I do comedy with it not because everything is funny. Some of it was not funny when it happened. Some of it still is not funny if I stare at it too long but if I can turn it into a bit I get a hold the steering wheel for once. That is the trick. Pain comes in like a landlord comedy makes it fill out paperwork and the older I get the more I realize I am not trying to erase the past I am trying to make it useful if red had his way we would bury everything in poor concrete over it. Someone wants a timeline blue wants to make it marketable yellow wants to forgive everybody before lunch and I am standing there in the middle saying hold on let us run it through bombed at first. If I am going to have a breakdown it better have tags.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}